Month: November 2020

This is a ramble.

I’m sitting on my two-person couch reserved for me and my lady (matching one in the office). My back is to the sunrise and the fresh litter of puppies noisily nursing in the background. The only kid awake is doing homework (college homework always happens on Sunday). Goldfinger’s Stomping Ground is blasting in the background. The fire, lit for the first time this season, looks beautiful. There is a serenity here. It feels like the beginning of something.

It can be.

Every day is the possibility of a different life and different path. I feel tethered to this daily grind by a few straps of life. I need to get the kids to and from school on certain days of the week. I need to get the one kid to PT once a week. Now that this sports season is over the tethers are limited to what I explained above. I do not consider the rest to be tethers. I grade (almost daily) and I write (again, almost daily) but both of those things are capable anywhere with an internet connection and they don’t determine how or where I spend my daily existence.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I live. For a long time I lived in two houses. More and more I am starting to consider the two house theory to be the better way to be. By that I mean that I would love to have a home somewhere else where I spend the majority of my time and a ‘touchpoint’ house here in the city where we can still have a connection to what needs to happen in the city for work and for the times when we need to be here for kids.

This could be the way.

Puppies.

We have 8 new puppies. There were 9, but one didn’t make it and now we are hyper vigilant over the ones that did. I’ll tell you it is a crazy time in Talisland. Thanksgiving was fun and not terribly large. I learned that I can cook a Turkey decently. I also discovered that nobody in my family actually wants turkey, so we are going with ham next year.

I’m happily moving towards fall break with a great deal of writing on my plate and a need to get all of my school stuff done in an effort to get the writing to the front of my mind. I took the last few days off in order to enjoy this brief break. I didn’t write beyond the blog. I didn’t grade. There was no youth (or high school) football or training or film review or any of the things that clutter the day. I did play a few video games and touch the puppies and listen to my audio book. I spent time with my partner, really focusing on her and that was great.

So, now I am in a place where I am feeling good about what is happening in the work space. I am moving towards being more relaxed in my life. Things are looking up.

Some Thoughts:

1. Jake Paul knocked out a former Slam Dunk Champ named Nate Robinson. Youtube stars out here trying to get some respect! Now he wants to fight Mcgregor. I want to see him fight a real boxer and get his ass beat.

I am tired.

The end? I wish. I have several more minutes to blather on to you about, well, nothing really. That is how I am describing this latest Black Friday. Much Ado about Nothing (apologies to Shakespeare–whoever you were). Not a lot of useful sales. Not a lot of people in the stores. It felt like any other day in the stores during Covid season. In truth, I became bored of the shopping quickly, because nothing on the shelves felt special. Nothing said, “This is Christmas.” I wound up with a new hoodie and next to no gifts for the kids. Add to that the inability to locate a ps5 and Christmas is going to be a bit of a struggle this year.

I don’t know if this is the way things will be moving forward, but I am left to believe they will be this way. I am left to think that because our culture doesn’t know how to turn the dial back down to normal. Once we move on to the new way then that’s basically it. I mean, people still make bomb shelters and call them ‘prepper caves’. That threat ended 60 years ago…

Some Thoughts:

1. Lost in the Madden playoffs for the second season straight. I’m enjoying playing Madden with the kids, but losing in the playoffs is absolute junk. I played a very poor offensive game. I tend to do that when I am tired and unfocused (as I was) or when I am left to rely on my QBs ability to evade a dime based rush (as I was). He cannot get the ball off in time and doesn’t respond properly to the pressure. So, he throws errant passes and cannot be relied upon to run against that kind of pressure. The solution? Not sure yet. Gonna start figuring some things out in this brief off season.
2. I need to have a good week of writing next week, because the last few have been utter trash.
3. What’s sad about the Madden thing: I’m too tired from Black Friday to be really upset.

Perhaps it is more important now to give thanks. We are in a space–the kind that arrives every 100 years or so–where the human population is challenged with a virus capable of decimating the population (for the record: decimation is the removal of 1 in every 10, and while the virus has been mitigated to the point where that has not happened, it is causing problems) and we are left to decide how to respond.

I’m not going to focus on the politicization of the virus here. Instead I want to talk about how important family is and how much I wish I’d done a better job leading up to now cultivating that sense of family. I fear my family –my combined family–is gender split where the men go off and do their thing and the women do the same. The women are all adults–the only adults, so it is expected that I go with the women and be a part of adult things. I have no issue with that, though I do feel out of place from time to time depending on where the conversation goes. I suspect they all feel the same when in the midsts of 5 boys. Generally, they leave the space when the boys start to discuss their boy things.

I am thankful for the family I have. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow with them and learn ways that are different than what I came up with. I am thankful for the love I share with my lady. I am thankful for what that can become.

Some Thoughts:

1. It feels as though all I talk about anymore is relationships and depression and football. I need new material.

I just discovered a website called GM Binder that publishes fantasy content. There is a ton of excellent content on the web created by people who just want to have their voice heard. That is the dream, isn’t it? I send stuff out into the digital ether and I hope that it passes by someone’s eyes who can enjoy it. Hopefully I’ll get paid enough for it one day that I can make that pursuit the one thing I do above all others. Hopefully it gives me enough of a chunk of money that I can travel and see places and write about all the places I see.

I’ve learned after all these years that I no longer have the motivations I had when I was 15 or even 25. I’m in a different place and have different goals in life. When I see places like GM Binder I am reminded that those goals are merely evolutions of where I started from; modified to fit this new and interesting world that is emerging around us every day.

I forgot how to find the WOW in writing. I monetized it in various ways and that was the goal. The goal ate my soul. As I let that settle in I think I will start to remember why I write and what I am trying to do with this writing. Perhaps by now I even have something interesting to say.

It is possible that I finally do.

Some Thoughts:

1. Rough few weeks. Things have happened that I never imagined and I am working to process how to deal with all of it. As I look towards tomorrow’s Thanksgiving I am indeed thankful for the people in my life who love me and I love back.

When you put the moments of your life on the internet and you choose to be honest about it, hiding from the truth of that life is very difficult to do. I find myself taking long looks at my life and considering where I’ve been, what I could have been, who I have become, and where I am going. I don’t know how I got to where I am, and I am not happy about the now if only because my life is a tug of war between satisfaction and constant depression.

What is a life? Is it the plan for the future? The sum of the past? Is it the present day? I see life as the every day routine that I live. In this Covid world I see my life as being more free, because I entirely set my own schedule and decide how and when to do what I need to do and what I love to do. The trouble is I do not do a lot of what I love to do, because I spend time vacillating between what I need to do, an hour or two of gaming that I deeply enjoy, having really good moments with my partner, and slipping into the darkness that is recognizing that these moments I do love are not beneficial to anyone beyond me.

I want to blame Covid-19 for so much, but that would be a lie. Covid allowed me the opportunity to spend more time at home, which was always the goal. Except none of the other responsibilities went away, so time at home stopped being special and stopped being defined as different from time working. It all became one thing, because I allowed it to become one thing and nothing was special as a result. So, life became this long workday in which the basic human connection that powered my most important relationship disappeared and instead of figuring out how to fix that (I do continue to try) I allowed myself to find some basic joy in the moments and the routine and to appreciate what did feel good. On it’s head this is not a bad thing, but it is born of a certain type of neglect that is, at this point, undeniable.

Here is what I know: I am not a good partner. I have a remarkable sense of self preservation that guides me to find moments where I can catch my breath alone. I tend to think of it as the old saying of fix your mask before helping others. That is not the way of a good partnership. But I do it. I fix my mask and thus can survive and even thrive in situations where the people around me are not doing as well. But there is a guilt that comes with that. I feel guilty for enjoying moments of the day when I know things are bad. I feel guilty for having opportunities to write novels and novellas when I know my focus ought to be on the relationship that matters the most that is not working the way it ought to.

I also feel angry. That is the worst part. I feel so deeply angry that something that ought to be so simple and easy isn’t. That this thing that matters so much and rightfully swallows so much of my heart and energy is not successful and I don’t have the faintest clue how to make it better–and I know that there is an expectation that I do know and a general acceptance that I am choosing not to make it better.

I am rambling at this point. And my time is up for such things.

Lately I’ve been curious about the inputs people receive on a day to day basis. Beyond the crazy spin of OAN and NewsMax and CNN and FOX or whatever flavor of news you prefer (I’m a Reuters and AP guy) there are a lot of inputs we receive that inform our understanding of reality. I thought it would be fun to share what is informing/influencing me at present.

Star Trek: Discovery
I write in a shared universe, so it is always fun to see how people draw their own stories inside the lines of a known world.

The Mandolorian
See above. Beyond that, the set design and the translation from the stills is remarkable. I find this show to be remarkable. It is a western done very well. Even when some of the acting is trash I am not upset at what I see and get from the show.

Industry
Not really a great show or terribly engaging, but I’ve been craving corporate based drama and that is extremely hard to find. Apparently it is harder to do very well. Most of what I see swirls around banking–especially young and attractive entry level workers fighting for their jobs.

The Predator (novel)
This is not about the alien but instead a book that is about corporate banking… In other words, see above.

I have a few more of these that are impacting my thinking, but these are the main ones. Tomorrow (or nearabouts) I will start Ready Player 2 on audio and I am gleefully awaiting that tale. I just relistened to RP1 and it got the rough taste of the film out of my mouth. The book is always better. My imagination creates a narrative that visual technology cannot replicate–not yet at least. When the tech arrives that takes my mental image out of my head and throws it on screen, maybe it will give books a run for their money, but I doubt it. There is more to books than the worlds I imagine seeing. There is the way the characters feel inside my head. That is beyond replication or explanation. That is what I get from reading.

Rough Sunday in more ways to count. I am trying to get away from gaming so much. This means cold turkey on Clash Royale again. It is a highly addictive game that sucks up a solid 4-5 hours of my life each week. In general there is a concern that I spend too much of my time on video games, but to me the real problem is that I spend too much time on games that don’t actually fulfill me or move the needle in any legitimate direction. They are just sucking up time and oxygen. I won’t quit games. Heck, I teach game narrative professionally, so quitting games would be flat out silly. Instead, I am going to try and find better games and try to use my time better.

The key is to do the most with what you have. Occasionally that means sitting in the dark with your partner and letting life move around you. Often it means finding a way to move forward in life with a partner. I’ve been struggling with that lately, mostly because it is not exactly how I operated in my marriage or at any time prior to that. I’ve been reminded that I haven’t operated in that fashion at all, which is devastating to hear, but honesty builds strong relationships. I am working on being more honest with myself about my wants and needs and habits and tendencies, which is how I recognize this longstanding failure to plan and or think about life in terms of ‘we’. Looking back through my blog it has been a bunch of ‘lets get XYZ to their destination and then I’ll just live whatever life she wants to live’ as if taking turns is the way to plan and live a life. It isn’t and knowing that is helpful. Knowing where to go from there would be more helpful.

At least I’ve risen from the depression phase to the point where I can be mildly productive. The problem is that I have been so bloody unproductive that mild production is not going to cut it. I’m going to have to work my butt off. This boom bust cycle is not a long term solution. So, here is to finding some balance–some flat earth.

Nothing long and coherent enough to constitute a mains story, so instead I’ll get right into …

Some Thoughts:

1. It is amazing what passes as news these days. There is an article on the front page of the foxnews website about a meteorologist reacting to Cuomo receiving praise. Not news. Not newsworthy. All Fox. This stuff needs to be laughed at publicly, because when we give it the benefit of seriousness we give it more power.
2. Football season is over. We lost. Again. I’m not sure where we go from here. The kid is locked in and wants to be a part of this squad moving forward, so that is what we will do. Personally, I am not sure of the role I play moving forward in any of this stuff. I’m closer every day to being a dad and fan only.
3. My two oldest boys are playing at the H.S. level and their school only won 2 games at the freshman level this season. That is two more than JV and varsity combined. Yet despite the failure, there is a bright spot on campus. The newly renovated stadium will be the site of the state Championships (which we will not be involved in).
4. I talk a lot of football on this blog. I wonder where my head will be once that season’s memories pass into the forgotten chambers?
5. Been thinking more and more about what the future looks like and what I need to do in order to create a better life for my partner and our family. Not sure how to be entirely successful. I need to change the culture around here fast.
6. Not much else to say today.

A long time ago Trevor Noah compared Trump to an African Dictator. It was a funny but chilling comparison that seems more accurate by the day. Trump did an excellent job casting doubt on the election before it even happened. He spent years promising that, ‘if he lost’ it would be the result of corruption and tampering by ‘the dems’. He created a narrative that practically guaranteed the situation we are in now: That his losing would be invalid. This set us up for what is about to happen. Trump is about to try an end around on this election.

The signs are there and are extremely worrisome. He considered bombing Iran, which would have led to a war and thus made him a wartime president, which I believe he thinks is enough to stop the transition. He is personally calling electoral boards in states he lost in order to strongarm them to send their electors to vote for him anyway or to change the results. He is acting a public fool. He is being a dangerous and destructive president.

The bottom line is this: Trump is not capable of processing loss. As a result he is willing to scorch the earth to make sure the loss is negated. He is willing to cause tremendous damage to the US and our world standing and our institutional integrity in order to feel like a winner and to be in charge. He already cast doubt on the election process itself to the point where multiple future elections will live under this cloud. He has not considered the consequences of stealing back this election–especially under the flailing circumstances it is being done. Had he started that war, it would have triggered a cascade of events that feel more like the promised events attributed to Obama as the so-called anti-christ.

The Republican machine exists to further the interests of the largest donors, and those people know they can manipulate Trump to get their own policies rammed through. So, the machine keeps working in his favor. However, he is a dangerous and foolish despot that is going to destroy our country if given the chance to stay in power.