Day: February 16, 2021

The mind is the key to everything. It is how we process information. It is how we experience the world. It is–if there is a soul–the linking mechanism between that soul and the body. The mind is a biological machine that needs to be maintained. It is also a mechanism that can be completely derailed and broken. Those who commit suicide do so because that mechanism is so out of whack that the halting state feels like a better idea than continuing. Unfortunately the brain is not a non-biological machine. It cannot be rebooted. That is not to say there are not other ways to dive under the hood and get the thing working right.

Doing so is important. One of the ways I do it is through watching shows and reading books. I know, garbage in, garbage out right? I don’t always watch the best stuff or read things that make me a better writer or person. Often I watch and read junk and that still makes me feel good. The idea that it makes me feel good is part of this diving under the hood.

I’m learning how the machinery of my brain works. Along the way I am discovering myself and discovering a path of less stress.

Spent some time with a chiropractor today. She had nothing good to say about my spinal health. I suppose part of my problem is how I live: I write, I play games, and I teach online–all from a position that has me looking down at a screen. I’m doing that right now in fact, and I can feel it through all of the neck and shoulder areas that have been hurting over the past week. The numbness has lessened at least.

The next step is to continue navigating the nightmarish health care network and try to find in-network support. It is tough. Everyone wants one of those FSA accounts and I only very recently discovered what that even was. Turns out I don’t have one. Turns out that is how most of these outfits get paid. Sigh. Well, at least some of the cracking helped.

I’ve been taking morning walks. I go at least a mile each day and today I did more than that. The experience gives me a chance to get my blood flowing and feels like a darn nice way to start the day. Ideally I’d follow that up with coffee and writing, but I have not gotten that far yet. I have parents who don’t have healthy habits and have lived into their 60’s and seventies. I believe I can be that prosperous in life if I just continue moving towards the right way.

Some Thoughts:

1. For the first time in my life I don’t have the vaguest concept of who or where I will be in five years. There is a part of me that believes I will be somewhere dark and utterly alone.
   1. Started work on ‘The Lab’ and discovered in the process that I lost one of my music cases in the move. I do not know how so much was lost in the move but I know that I lost far more than I would’ve thought possible. It sucks to have lost so much history, but it is helping me shed weight. The less I need to carry, the easier it is to move from place to place.