Day: February 5, 2021

The word of the day is Absolve (to free from guilt or obligation)

Critical Distance

There is a point in the future where everything is okay. Perhaps not okay, but the feelings of it all have diminished to the point where the memories don’t feel like sunburns. There is a point where the good of it all peaks out from the rest and she can remember that loving him was a good thing; a good idea. It doesn’t feel that way now. In the storm that is reflected in everyday they have together it feels like there is no end, no possibilities for anything but this pain and she is flailing and she is failing and she doesn’t want to do this anymore. She wants to close her eyes and drift away. She wants to be done. She doesn’t want to forget, but she wants to stop creating new memories. She wants to stop destroying the old ones and turning everything into a mush of disappointment and confusion. She wants to believe things were once as she wanted to believe they could be.

Then he comes home. He is smiling. He sets down his briefcase and gathers her up into a hug and for that instant the universe is just the two of them. The universe is just the warmth of him, the crinkle of lines around his eyes, the strength of his grip as he gathers her to him. He whispers, “I love y0u so much.” And he does. That much is true and constant. That much lifts her spirits and, to her, feels like a door she can pass through and leave the world behind. She forgets in that moment that they are far less than perfect together. She forgets her sadness. She forgives his way of destroying her. Together they float on for a while.

But only for a while.

I’m debating between riding the low and holding my 10 measly shares in AMC or selling at a profound loss in order to double down on some other action including Doge coin. I truly believe the market is about gambling and betting for or against peoples products, abilities, and even lives. This is a sad truth of the pyramid scheme that is the global financial market. Truth be told: I am on the bottom. Truth also be told, I am doing a lot of this stock stuff either as a fun experiment with the boys, research for writing, or just as a way to gamble away from the very very dangerous slot machines. So, It is not all that bad in the end.

The research matters. The research makes the narrative feel as real as the characters do, and you need both–especially when your hold on the real is so limited as it always feels to be in science fiction.

Some Thoughts:

1. I learned today that a 17 yr old kid I used to give rides home to just died. All I know about the situation is that his heart gave out. He is dead and I’m thinking about what a loss that must be for his family and about how I would feel to lose a boy or my partner or anyone significant in my life. I have a decent amount of past experience with loss but I’ve been lucky as of late. Still the mad march of time suggests it will not always be as such and one of these days the lost one will be me.