Day: May 18, 2022

The best way to get through a thing is to get through it. You put one foot forward and then the next and you keep moving. I’m trying to do that today. I am trying to see what I can get done and how productive and impactful I can be as a human, because I’ve been a mess for a while now. It used to be that I was a grindGod. Once upon a time I dropped 20+ clean pages a day. Now I struggle to grade a basic assignment and haven’t updated some classes significantly at all. This is a fierce counterpoint to who I was, and further evidence of my long dark spiral. So, as I say always forward, I’ve been moonwalking for quite some time. I need to get it in gear.

There are obstacles. I’m not in the best headspace. The personal life is a hot mess. The kids are a hot mess. I’m a video game addict (without a doubt), the finances are a mess (lukewarm and getting hotter). Everything feels like a wreck and everyone around me feels like that ‘This is Fine Meme”

Doing something about that is paramount, but I cannot figure out a good move here. What I am doing is trying to do everything I can do within my own power. That means write the new project. Outline the novel. Prep the classes. Examine options for making more money. Hunt for outside work–either writing or teaching. All of it adds up to action and action ought to keep me from falling deeper into darkness.

Two days out from my Son’s graduation I’ve spent a lot of money and energy in order to create a satisfying experience for him. It matters. It may be the last one I ever get to do. I’m on the precipice of a great many things–some great and some an utter failure of self. The strangeness of life is that these things tend to bunch up, happening all at once. So where I’d like to be able to purely focus on the joy of the moment my life doesn’t allow for that. I live an existence where I lift my head and experience a momentary joy before plunging back into the darkness that all too often defines my daily existence. The worst part: There is no good way forward and only one realistic way out that benefits anyone.

So, I am left to reflect on what has been really good in this journey I’ve taken with my son. He came a very long way and almost died a few times getting there. Twice he was faced with the dangerous swelling of a tree-nut allergy. However, his closest brush with death was in that car accident where people did die and we, fortunately, escaped with a few scrapes and a scar he bears to this day. My son is a champ. He has come through it all with resilience and a love of life and a desire to help people. He is going to be a law enforcement officer of some variety. His step-mom/my partner and his step sibs all think he reminds them of Winston from New Girl. Here’s hoping he finds his Aly. He already has his Furguson.

Having him in my life has taught me that you can help a kid become who they want to be, but you cannot ever make them into who you want them to be. Furthermore, trying only means you are living through them as a way to excise your own failures. I did that for a while and I learned to get over it. Now it is time he gets to be his own man. Seems to me he has already been doing that.

I hope he reads this one day and learns a little about his dad and where his dad was at in life. Not everything was always good, but I love him and always will.