Month: December 2022

Tough to believe I’m only 38 days into this and the last 38 days have been crazy. A lot is going on right now. On the negative, I’m having serious blood pressure issues that might require hospitalization if I’m not careful. I am trying to be careful, but I’ve been living with stage two hypertension for days and it is impacting my long term health in a very negative way. It feels like a manifestation of the lifestyle of the house where everything that will exists and be is already here. This is a house of stagnation and outrage (generally over video games and other outcomes beyond their control). Everything is YouTube and Anime and Video Games.. all the time. There really isn’t anything else–well, there is football for some of them. Part of me misses that other house we used to have, namely because of the prospect of moving them all in there and having an adult space here that isn’t constantly swathed in that other stuff.

But we don’t have that. And I don’t have good health.

So, I need to find something better and soon, because my health is deteriorating here, and the docs just want to up the dosage on my meds instead of working to fix the root problem. As you can see, I’m struggling with a lot right now at the end of the year. More than anything I am struggling with the fact that I haven’t written a good honest story from the heart in as long as I can remember. Everything I write is for something or for someone else–not for me–not pure. So, that’s another thing on my list. What are the stories that I want to naturally tell? I don’t know that yet, but I need to find out.

Hard not to think about dying when I’m so close to having a stroke. That is the way my Father-in-Law passed and that happened because he didn’t take care of himself or read the signs. That death changed my life in so many ways. I don’t want to be in the position to change lives in that way. I don’t want it all to fall apart for people. I don’t want to bring sadness. I want to get healthy, and I need to figure out how to do that without docs trying to force medicines on me that do nothing but treat the symptoms of a problem they are making no effort to solve.

Ahh, haven’t done one of these in a while, so it is definitely time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. It is undeniable that there is a sexual context to most ASMR feeds. I myself can’t deny that ASMR is more easily received from an attractive person (leading to cognitive ease) than a non-attractive one. However, the problems for me are when the ASMR isn’t about the sound and the chill but the allure. I can’t get behind those. Feels icky. I just want to chillax.
2. Deion Sanders is simply that man. He’s going to turn Colorado into a powerhouse school, and while he won’t win the Pac12 this year, he will in a year’s time–soon enough to make the college football 12 team format ‘ship.
3. Mr. Nightmare keeps bringing the good stuff… Shows that there are some creepy people out there. There are also real creepy situations…
4. Looking forward to the Spring semester. Should be a good one–especially if all my classes make. I’m trying to get to a place where everything goes and goes smoothly.
5. Madden is trash. I try not to hate on the game with the ferocity of the people who often do so on the Reddit. Still, losing ALL my franchises at the same time to a server issue? Come on, man.

So, three leagues and I made it to one championship. It is, of course, better than none. That winning league is the big money league and the pot is $1500 for the win. I’m excited for the opportunity (and the trophy). I don’t know how good my chances are entirely, but it comes down to the 4/6 matchup in a week where J.Herbo needs to beat the Rams (and a resurgent Baker Mayfield) to move towards the 5 seed and the 49rs are trying to lock in a 2 seed vs. the Raiders. I like those matchups. I like that I am going into this with a real shot. I also see that Derrick Henry has an injury designation, and he is one of my opponents top weapons. Then there is McKinnon and Freiermuth. Those two are point explosions waiting to happen. G. Wilson against the Seahawks… perhaps less so, because the Hawks really really want that win. Overall, I am projected to LOSE by 1.49 points, which is a sad state of affairs, but I can work to fix that a little if I move the Chiefs to my starting D, or luck out and find a top D (Giants???) on the wire. The chances are looking good here. I hope that I can turn this week into some serious cash.

Meanwhile, I’m looking at a 3rd or 4th place finish in the Beachborn league. I was knocked off by the mid-kid who is really surging late in the season. He faces the lady for this ‘chip and I battle… The BOT. I’m excited either way. It is a rare Two-week final, so it should pan out really well for them to use skills over simply basic luck of this week’s draw.

Pausing the Turnback for a closer reflection. See, today my heart rate spiked to 160/111. The internet defines that as ‘Go to the damn hospital!’ blood pressure. I didn’t go, of course, because I am me. It shuddered down to a more reasonable rate of 150/93, but that was hours ago and I am still feeling the lingering effects of hypertension. The thing is, I don’t even know why it spiked, and that is scary. While I quibble over how much of the day it cost me to try to be in hard chill mode, I need to remember that it could’ve cost me my life.

I am not yet 50, but I am a black man with high blood pressure that runs in the family. We’re not long for the earth under these circumstances. It is enough to make you think about finding value in each day and fully recognizing that each day could be the last day you have. It is also a time to be thinking about what it is going to take to get well. I’m going to need to cut back to near zero on a lot of the unhealthy eating, and I need to get rid of this excess weight even more now.

I want to live. I want to be here for my partner. I want to be here for my kids and all their big moments. I want to write the stories I’ve dreamed of all these years. I want the time to do these things, and that means doing what I need to do physically and mentally to arrive there. I am in really bad shape right now and I am afraid of what my body is trying to tell me. I need to get right. I need to do it immediately.

I may be out of chances otherwise.

The Umbrella Academy succeeds in more ways than it fails. While struggling from often C-level acting and dead end characters, the show has more than enough story and energy to be entertaining. I love that nobody is entirely good or perfect. I love that season one gives us glimpses that we don’t even get to cover in season 2. I’m going through it again and I’m learning more about it and about what good storytelling can look like. It is an unlikely education.

My desk is a mess; a sad reflection of the chaos permeating my mind. Perhaps the only thing I have together right now it my Madden Season, because I just built a new one from the ground up, and at least–in just starting–I kind of know what is going on. Otherwise, I am a mess. I need a calendar. I need a mooring perhaps beyond a vague date of my next trip. I need a true north beyond the start of school, which has slipped into a lower niche in my mental calculations. I need a thing to be about, but one that is manageable and joyous. At present what I have is a vague notion of what I want to write, and I am working on that, but beyond that… crickets.

So, here is the thing: Life is a countdown. You have an unspecified amount of time to do things that make your heart sing and make you feel like you did what you were supposed to. At the end of the countdown, you time out–you end. Perhaps you spend eternity reflected in your own memories, and perhaps not, but I like to think that you end satisfied by what you did, and I am not satisfied by what I’ve done.

I need to look forward and do better.

Twas the Night before Christmas,
Before presents unwrapped
Before laughter and joy fills the house to it’s cap.
I’m thinking of the future and of the past
I’m grateful its Xmas here at last.

There are so few times when all are in glee
Mostly its me in my room while they watch TV
But tomorrow we are together and will all be as one
Tomorrow is the rare day that we all have fun.

Family, I think, is a hard path to take
You love them and hate them from the moment you’re awake.

I’m stopping there. Not really feeling the rhyme this year (unintended). Not feeling able to pull this off with any warmth. I’m working into the xmas spirit. I need it. I need that moment of happy in my family way.

I do not feel ready for Christmas. I’m watching Love Hard and feeling already like they miscast Jimmy Yang, because it really feels like they give away a major plot piece immediately. The lead lady, Nina Dobrev looks quite a bit like Linda Carter, but much skinnier and better styled. I’m not entirely sure she is able to carry this film yet, but I hope she will. I’d rather not waste another near two hours. We tend to spend xmas watching xmas movies and cooking. We work at discovering stuff we haven’t seen before and mixing it with the classics. That leads to a lot of fun times and a solid tradition.

We haven’t gotten to all the good stuff yet.

The Jets v. Jags game is on in the background and the Jets look terrible with Zach Wilson. He might be good in a few years, but right now he is terrible and he is not at all built for a NYC crowd. Thank goodness for the Jets Defense keeping things close… but not close enough to compensate for that awful offense. Well, give them time. Lots of time. Lots more time.

I think time is the key to a lot of learning and development. I also think the problem with time is waking up and finding yourself old and, in my case, somewhat decrepit. That is a part of why I get sick of watching my boys sit around watching YouTube clips and playing video games and not even waiting for anything to happen but being content with what they have to distract them. Only, it isn’t a distraction from anything. It simply is the life they’ve chosen, and it isn’t going to be more than that. Eventually they may get partners and what not, but they don’t want more. This isn’t all of the kids, but most of them to varying degrees.

I’m not like that. I’m just a really slow cooker. I also get sucked into a lot of random noise. I guess I’m more like these Jets than I realized up till now. So, time… Lots more time needed.

Well, I’m out of one league and extending into the final four in another two. In my coaches’ league, I sold the bag against the two seed. I made major mistakes, but the overall score indicates that I wouldn’t have won anyhow. Though I would have made it closer. Close doesn’t count in fantasy. You lose and you go home. I went home.

In the Beach Born League–the family league–I play one of my boys who posted his season best 178 pts last week. He’s feeling it. Hopefully his team is not feeling it this week. We only have 7 players, so a Bot account plays the 8th spot and holds the 3 seed. It plays my partner this week. She may lose this one.

The Louisiana league is an interesting situation. I was invited in to fill a spot of a guy who left, and I sucked badly last year. This year I’m a 6 seed who knocked off a 3 and holds a shot to move forward again. I need to pick the right guys here, and that includes relying on some players who are BARELY in playoff contention as well as others who are already locked in. It is a long season, and this week’s slate of games is sure to show the wear and tear on the players. I’m leaning on a Niner’s team that has a chance to earn the bye still–providing the Eagles fall. Still, are they more interested in healing up and squeaking out wins? I don’t know. I think the fact that Purdy is a new QB means the guys will still be out there building in-game chemistry and rolling hard towards the playoffs. One can hope.

Finally, predictions. I don’t want to make any. All I will say is that the Giants pass rush has been stepping up big and the line is getting healthy. This makes me excited for what is possible against a Vikes team that might be scamming the league and might be hitting a wall. We just have to stop the run and force Jay Jettus to command the game. I think we scheme well enough that he won’t get his usual buck fifty yards. Good luck, Gints. Good hunting.

Some Thoughts:

1. Marble League is over for the season. My Raspberry Racers came in 7th overall in the standings. Really great finish getting the silver in the final event. Marble league is just good clean fun. I am considering Marble One next…