Tough to believe I’m only 38 days into this and the last 38 days have been crazy. A lot is going on right now. On the negative, I’m having serious blood pressure issues that might require hospitalization if I’m not careful. I am trying to be careful, but I’ve been living with stage two hypertension for days and it is impacting my long term health in a very negative way. It feels like a manifestation of the lifestyle of the house where everything that will exists and be is already here. This is a house of stagnation and outrage (generally over video games and other outcomes beyond their control). Everything is YouTube and Anime and Video Games.. all the time. There really isn’t anything else–well, there is football for some of them. Part of me misses that other house we used to have, namely because of the prospect of moving them all in there and having an adult space here that isn’t constantly swathed in that other stuff.
But we don’t have that. And I don’t have good health.
So, I need to find something better and soon, because my health is deteriorating here, and the docs just want to up the dosage on my meds instead of working to fix the root problem. As you can see, I’m struggling with a lot right now at the end of the year. More than anything I am struggling with the fact that I haven’t written a good honest story from the heart in as long as I can remember. Everything I write is for something or for someone else–not for me–not pure. So, that’s another thing on my list. What are the stories that I want to naturally tell? I don’t know that yet, but I need to find out.
Hard not to think about dying when I’m so close to having a stroke. That is the way my Father-in-Law passed and that happened because he didn’t take care of himself or read the signs. That death changed my life in so many ways. I don’t want to be in the position to change lives in that way. I don’t want it all to fall apart for people. I don’t want to bring sadness. I want to get healthy, and I need to figure out how to do that without docs trying to force medicines on me that do nothing but treat the symptoms of a problem they are making no effort to solve.