Month: September 2023

So, I have this strange but relatively weak gambling addiction. Maybe it isn’t an addiction persay, but a pursuit that seems to be based around the belief that I have some form of cosmic connection with the energy of slot machines. I believe I do better with (and thus have a better time using) certain types of slots. The type is specifically those where the randomized fail or the randomized ‘anything can happen’ feature can be triggered. For example, there are slots that award you for missing every single number/icon and landing on a blank. I get those a lot. There are other features such as the Oompa Loompa trigger, which activate randomly throughout the game. I’m just that kind of random dude and I like it. I like falling into the magical moment of the Oompa’s strolling in and offering me a chance at fortune. I got to sit and play for a while today, and the Oompas were absent most of the time, and when they did show they were largely stingy little buggers. I left with exactly as much as I started with. In their defense, I was up $20 at one point in the process.

No, this is not about metaphor. I just like talking about the randomness that is my life.

I’m in Vegas for an Ed Sheeran concert with the lady and one of the kids. We’re exploring the strip, and loving some of the experiences. One thing I love is the space. We picked up a room at the Rio on the cheap and it is not small. Feels like a small apartment–be it without a kitchen. The hotel itself feels shabby and distant from the glitz of the strip. That second part would be a good thing if not for the purpose of the trip largely being the exploration of the strip and, oh yeah, this concert situation. That is where we are headed in a few hours. Yes, we sometimes skip opening acts. This is going to be one of those times.

I’m enjoying this brief and seemingly weekly departure from daily life. I think it takes away from the ability to make money, but I don’t care about the nest egg. I care about living while I still can. I realize I am getting older and life is shifting and these bills and responsibilities will never ever go away. I want to enjoy life while I can and before I’m too old and immobile to not.

Some Thoughts:

1. Not talking football… saving it for Wednesday.

A lot of things to talk about here. Some will be dealt with in Some Thoughts, but I intend to keep my main focus on Vegas. We are in town for the Ed Sheeran concert, a bday present to the oldest boy. He’s legal, so he is able to experience Vegas–a place that really isn’t his or his mom’s thing. I have a long history with this town. I was married here twenty something years ago. That marriage didn’t last forever, but what Vegas marriages ever do? I’ve been back on several trips since then and I’ve yet to discover the part of the city I really like. I’m here for a concert, a buffet, a trip to a really cool distillery (at Area 15–Lost spirits), and that concert…. But I am really here for the Oompa Loompas. I came to gamble a bit. I’m not expecting to win, but I do want to have fun with the Oompas. I played the Wonka game tonight and won 20+ on one machine and lost it all back plus the seed $$ on another. This is how these things go. I’m not satisfied, but it sure is fun.

I am grateful to have a life where this constant travel can happen. Good times roll in because I work hard and do what I need to do. So, I have to keep maintaining that balance, so life stays good.

Some Thoughts:

1. Incredible come from behind team win for my mid kid. He caught the game winning touchdown, and was credited with one interception. He had a second interception called back and a forced fumble scoop and score called back. He’s really been a turnover machine this season with picks in two of three games so far. He is having his breakout season as a 16 yr old senior. He’s going to draw some attention and maybe catch an offer. This is going exactly how we wanted in this comeback season.

Just cruising by on a Thursday to put down…

Some Thoughts:

1. Another game, another loss. The truth of it is there are a lot of growing pains at play here. The freshman HC is new to the role and is growing too. I gotta give the man space to get it right and get the best out of these players. On the other hand, he called my kid soft and unwilling to tackle. He’s the leading tackler and the top corner. he had 4 tackles and 4 pbu’s this game alone. This on top of a couple big catches. He’s no Travis Hunter yet, but he’s working. Like his big bro, he’s going to be making a jump next year when the level of competition gets bigger than him and he needs to raise his play. He presently needs to raise his play on offense. They all do. The team is struggling to find a way to score. At least we fixed the stamina and cramping issues.
2. I’m behind on the novel and it is tearing me up. I am behind on a lot of things.
3. Football starts tonight. I dang near forgot it was starting.
4. Slow go ten minutes. I need to get myself back into a healthier routine with the work and the writing. I cannot continue to fall off.

Lots of material to cover in ten minute, so let’s get right to it…

1. Colorado shocked the world. Apparently I am not part of that world. I knew going into it that they had a solid chance to win and even dominate. To me the team made too many mistakes on both sides of the ball. This should’ve been 70 – 31 cold. It wasn’t. Coach Prime knows how much meat was left on the bone out there. Now we all know what this young and talented squad is capable of. I’ll miss seeing this weekend’s game but I know it will go hard. Nebraska couldn’t score on Minn (10-13), so I don’t see them racking up points against these Buffs.
2. On the High School front, my mid kid keeps racking up tape, but the offers haven’t been coming. I don’t get it. The kid turned 16 a few months ago, is a Senior starting corner with a 3.92 GPA and a top 5 hurdler in the state. 18 yr old him will be one of the coldest players in the nation. All you need to do, coaches, is redshirt him freshman year and you have a DOG. Put the D on his jersey like Travis Hunter. He recorded his first pick and fumble recovery of the season vs. the #14 team in the state. He played lock down coverage against the #25 team in the state surrendering one catch. Call this boy!
3. The freshman is, well, a freshman. Finally had a chance to study the tape and the conditioning woes show. He is starting in all three phases of the game like a young D. Sanders. His corner play is immaculate. He leads the team in tackles, with teams just deciding not even to go to his side of the field. They attack away… after two games. Tonight is game three. Let’s see him finally breakout and be able to perform at a high level for four quarters. He’s going to be on Var by the end of the season, but I am done rushing it. Trust the process.
4. NFL. Man the fantasy drafts went badly. I will be reaching for players following week 1. I have a pretty solid track record identifying breakout stars, but I always see them the year before they are ready. With that in mind, here’s hoping Pickens is ready now.

I’m worn out. You can tell because I’ve missed hitting that publish button a few times in a row now. It feels like the blog is always at the bottom of an endless to-do list in these cycles. It feels like my life is no longer my own but a series of responsibilities to (and to support) other people who, for the most part couldn’t care less about me so much as what I provide for their lives. It sucks to feel that way–like the grease that keeps someone else’s engine working. It is an apt comparison, because who cares about the grease… until you need to change it.

I need to change things for me.

I decided, as I was walking up the stairs to my office following a class being cut short by tech failure, I need a ten year plan. I’m calling it plan 58. It is going to be a big one that shapes the future of my mental state moving forward. I intend to include my partner in the planning, but nobody else because beyond the first couple of years it is not about anyone else but us. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like the help in my own home. I am tired of being taken utterly for granted. I am tired of working so hard to make everyone else’s life easier but my own.

I am really just tired. I’ve been up since 3:30 and without the loving embrace of caffeine, that is a lot of hours to be walking around. At least I got a real walk in this morning. The weather allowed for that. Nevertheless I am tired and remain tired of the way I live. I need it to change. Unfortunately, the home part is beyond my control at this point in my life, and I am done changing who I am and closing myself off simply to avoid confrontations. That bottling up does what I said above–help everyone but me. Imma be me.

I am waking up in 8.5 hours. I am going to bed in three. It will be a tough run tomorrow having not prepped for the classes and needing to wake up at 4 for a 7 am class to prep. I’m working on getting myself on track but I took the weekend off. I needed to. I still have a lot on my plate and hope to get caught up on all the things. no promises there, but at least I can hope for the best–plan for it even.

I have a ton on my plate. There are at least two back burner things not even in the conversation thus far. Step by step, I say. One day at a time. Today was my lady’s bday, so this blog is the only production that happened. I’m grateful to be able to have a day where I peel my focus away from work and towards the love where it belongs.

Some Thoughts:

1. Not a lot to say this evening. I’m drained. It kinda shows.

First time I missed hitting the publish button in a while. Turns out ‘coming back to myself’ is taking longer than it ought to. I spent today doing the last of the fantasy drafting, writing through a project, and really just sitting around. I have not touched Madden in almost a week. I haven’t touched the Xbox at all in that time. I still play quite a lot of pokemon, but that is quick and a needed distraction from the work. Ahh… the work. Today I sent the following announcement:

Multiple students have requested to change their moments. You are always welcome to change moments if you don’t feel the moment is sufficient to the task. Remember to be extremely specific in your moments when crafting this essay. Don’t rely on ChatGPT to craft moments that feel like you lived them. It isn’t very good at that, it will show in the essay, and you will fail, because you didn’t do what you were asked to do.

I am living in the ChatGPT world now. They realize as they move through the process that they need to start using it earlier in the process. The lazy just is too much for me to love. In fact, it isn’t even lazy. It is a complete disregard for the value of the work being done. Why do it if I can put the prompt in the chatgpt and it spits out an essay. Except it doesn’t. At least not a good one for this topic. It spits out a bit of fluff that is nondescript and falls under the category of easily replicated. Fortunately, I can just fail them for that. That makes my life easier too.

I wish students wanted to learn more. I wish knowledge actually held value beyond, “what will help me make money easy and fast.” Here people just want the basics they need to get into a job or get through this course so they can get to the next one and the next one untli they are done and have the credentials. The society is less fun than it once was in that sense. I wish it were better.

Coming back into myself over the last week. A lot has happened for me personally, for my family, with the writing, etc. It feels like I needed to step away from all of it and see the ocean to reset. Did that. Drove back home through what is now being called a year’s worth of rain for parts of California. It rained so hard they shut down burning man. Rain is cleansing. Moving from the beach through the heavy storm and back into the desert was cleansing. It served as a reminder of passage and the temporary nature of what I am doing here and why I am here.

I am here to be a supportive dad for my boys. That means watching their games. That means keeping a roof over the older one’s heads so they can work and build a nest egg of income. I am here to make money so we can live the lifestyle we want to live as a couple. That means teaching classes and staying on top of the writing deadlines. I have to learn how to stay locked in on the goals whilst here and in the mode of work, so I can go hard on the mode of… not work.

I also need to work on balance within the day. I have to have outlets I enjoy but don’t ruin me. I spent the past week so mad at Madden that it impacted other areas of my life. Madden doesn’t matter, obviously, but when you want a win and all you get is hard loss, it is not fun. It feels defeating and adds to the stress.

Some Thoughts:

1. So much football to be talked come Wednesday. I have stuff on for all levels from Fantasy draft to Coach prime to high school varsity to freshman. Much coming in a few days. Not sure ten will hold it.

I found out today that a friend of my mid kid killed himself. It hit hard. It felt like one more thing this kid has to deal with in a life filled with dealing with things that don’t seem fair. The boy who died was an adopted kid–one of three siblings adopted by a family that has six kids in all. They felt a lot like my own mixed up family of six kids. It was their mid kid who took his own life–a boy the same age as my own who just could not figure things out for himself and spent a lot of time angry at the abuse he suffered prior to being adopted. Life was rough for the kid. My boy looked out for him. The kid’s older brother and my boy are pretty tight, so it hit my boy hard to lose someone he’d just spent time with.

I don’t know what to say about it in these ten minutes. I don’t have the words to try and express the pain that everyone involved must be going through. Kid deserved a better life. Every kid deserves a life in which they feel like there is value to living. Not every kid gets that. Seeing it hit so close to home reminds me of how fortunate I’ve been as a parent and even as a man for making it this long and having a family that is healthy and happy enough to want to survive.

I have work to do. I have to keep my kids safe from those destructive thoughts. I have 6 kids who are nothing like one another and all have different aspirations in life or none at all. I have a responsibility to keep reminding them of the value of life and of how much they deserve something worthwhile.

We decided to cruise down to the beach for an upgraded date night as part of the lady’s Bearly package. Bearly is our word for birthday early. We have been doing all sorts of things to ready up for the day. There are other trips planned, of course. This one finds us in San Diego for the day in order to touch the ocean. Been too long since we’ve touched water and today felt entirely right. I am reset and pleased and ready to go through another grueling week in the desert and all that comes with that.

Some Thoughts:

1. I have so much respect for people who are missing or have reduced senses. To be able to navigate this difficult reality without all the tools is a true skill. I feel blessed every day for the abilities I was born with and for being able to hold on to them for so long in life.
2. Looking forward to the next Poirot movie. Looks clever.
3. Football is not going well for the youngster. He’s played two High School games and suffered two devastating losses. He is doing everything he can to help his team get there, but it isn’t working out. He is growing through each loss, but I wonder about his confidence levels. I hope he can keep it up and I plan to help him grow from it.
4. Life is going pretty well. More on that in the next ten.