I’m worn out. You can tell because I’ve missed hitting that publish button a few times in a row now. It feels like the blog is always at the bottom of an endless to-do list in these cycles. It feels like my life is no longer my own but a series of responsibilities to (and to support) other people who, for the most part couldn’t care less about me so much as what I provide for their lives. It sucks to feel that way–like the grease that keeps someone else’s engine working. It is an apt comparison, because who cares about the grease… until you need to change it.
I need to change things for me.
I decided, as I was walking up the stairs to my office following a class being cut short by tech failure, I need a ten year plan. I’m calling it plan 58. It is going to be a big one that shapes the future of my mental state moving forward. I intend to include my partner in the planning, but nobody else because beyond the first couple of years it is not about anyone else but us. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like the help in my own home. I am tired of being taken utterly for granted. I am tired of working so hard to make everyone else’s life easier but my own.
I am really just tired. I’ve been up since 3:30 and without the loving embrace of caffeine, that is a lot of hours to be walking around. At least I got a real walk in this morning. The weather allowed for that. Nevertheless I am tired and remain tired of the way I live. I need it to change. Unfortunately, the home part is beyond my control at this point in my life, and I am done changing who I am and closing myself off simply to avoid confrontations. That bottling up does what I said above–help everyone but me. Imma be me.