I’ve been living this life for a long time, and over that span I’ve really started to see how I might be remembered. There is still ample opportunity to change things, and some things really ought to change. Others are set in stone, based in the long tradition of relationships that have wilted over time. I know now, for instance, that I will be a footnote in the majority of my kids lives moving forward. For some I am an attachment to their birth mom. For others, I’m the guy that pushed them–either too hard or out the door. Two might remember me fondly, if so it would be as a result of deep conversations, spilled and shared emotions, and above all else, trust.
I think about these things every so often, but on the heels of a new marriage I am really internalizing what I bring to the table, and what life, if any, is left behind. For my birth kids, who have been openly accepted into this new space, I do feel like they may feel left behind. This is not across the board or even through my own actions as it is a function of location and the pressure of their mother. I have my Lady Talis. Their mother has them. This “I” is truly a we as the Lady embraces these kids as her own. They have to recognize on some level that I’ll be okay. They have to recognize the inverse of that on some level as well, and I fear it powers behaviors nearly as much as the fact that she lives considerably closer to their friend groups and they don’t own cars in this state.
The question most on my mind is what do I bring to a legal marriage. How does marrying me benefit anyone? I’m not sure there is a benefit to being my wife that I haven’t already freely given without the involvement of laws. That is something to consider.
Some Thoughts:
- I try not to speak of the Lady in these pages, and I will work to do so even less. I respect her privacy in all things. I needed to bring her slightly into focus here, because she is a part of me and a part of this dynamic of which I speak.