Day: March 18, 2025

I am sitting in the same office space I was in yesterday. The sun is looking for cracks in the blinds. The dog, a Golden Retriever, is huffing outside the door as a way of saying he expects to be let in. His hair is inside with me. The dust of it is everywhere. That hair, discarded daily, was in the dust of yesterday. This desk is where it was the day before. I am who I was the day before. Age is not static. It is a mile marker on this long road we call life. Some markers we recognize more than others. My daughter turned 26, which she recognized as a demographic shift. I turned 50, which feels exactly the same as 49 and 48 before it. 51 will probably feel the same way. Externally it is different. Externally I can retire now. Everything that bubbled up out of me in the past year–this need to feel younger, the worry over turning 50, was an internal response to external stimuli. Thinking about being old aged me.

When I was in middle school I learned about the phenomenon of biofeedback. I read several books discussing the concept of will over body–mind over matter. Later in life I saw those ancient ideas, first cultivated in me through Buddhism and discovery (not practice because I was young) of Tantrism were later seen on screen in What the Bleep Do We Know?! and it’s 2006 sequel. All of this serves as a reminder of the power we have over ourselves. We shape our environment. We can control so many of the variables that make us who we are internally. Call it quantum mysticism or whatever you want. I call it the power of self awareness and self determination.

I passed mile marker 50. I don’t know how much longer my car is going to stay on the road. I never have. The difference, if any, is that I am aware that most people don’t get to mile marker 100. Most black men don’t get to mile marker 75. This road, this life, comes down to internal vs. external. Specifically it is about how we manage our own expectations and how we respond to the world we are provided. The one best thing I can do for myself is to remember that biofeedback science fair project from a lifetime ago. I have the power to control who I am in any moment. Now, more than ever, I need to give myself that control.

I don’t know if anyone will see this post. There is strangeness happening on the site. I used a backdoor to get in and post, because typing in the web address didn’t work initially. Tech and I don’t always have a healthy or mutually beneficial relationship. I can say with certainty that I’ve had gremlins my entire life.

That life turned 50 today.

I am old and, at times, worn out. Today was yet another example of that. The Lady Talis went to extraordinary measures to make the day special and it was still disrupted by the lives of the other people closest to me remaining focused wholly on themselves and their lives in this moment in which I hoped it would be about me. One kid came through with a great gift. Another texted and it was totally unexpected. The daughter was awesome and we got to spend some real quality time. I’m taking these things as wins. I’m taking the entirety of the day as a win overall, because I spend too much of my life chasing down imperfections. Heck, I even started doing it in this very paragraph.

So, 50.

It means I need to think hard and long about how I want to spend my time. I talked recently about the change and evolution of the daily habits as a result of increased responsibility. Today showed I can handle that and still find time for self and family. I am happy to have turned over this new leaf. I am preparing to move into my second act. This life is worth living. I didn’t fully embrace that even five years ago.