I came to the decision early on in this process to limit my posts about divorce. It isn’t fair to the ex to go on and on about such things. Therefore, this isn’t a post about divorce, but a post about parenting in the after. As much as I like to think I consider the impact of divorce on kids, it isn’t something I actually know how to consider. I can speculate and presume for days. I can fall back on the old adage, ‘they’re young and will get over it’ but the truth is I don’t know. What I do know is that it is hard for kids as young as mine to really comprehend divorce beyond the confusion of having two homes, two separate lives, and two separate sets of parents. It seems that for me, the youngest is having the hardest time dealing with all of it; he doesn’t quite know how to react.
Kids react differently to stressors and divorce is a greater form of that. It is a permanent condition that fractures both trust and understanding, taking away a child’s ability to be truly comfortable at ‘home’ given that often home shifts every few days. I struggle with that aspect of it personally. I will never get used to hearing my kids talk about my house or mommy’s house, never once deigning to call either their home. I also struggle with the idea that when they are with one parent they are missing the other. This temporary yet regularly scheduled sense of loss will indeed follow them throughout childhood. I don’t know what impact it will have on them emotionally, short of resulting in my trying even harder to enjoy the moments we have together and thus possibly providing unrealistic expectations of how parent-child relationships are supposed to be. I do it because I love them and part of that love is wanting to protect them and wanting them to feel safe. I want to be a good dad, but I don’t want that to mean that they don’t miss their mom. I want her to be a good mom, but I don’t want that to mean they don’t miss me.
Parenting is hard with both parents, but parenting in the after of divorce is something I’m learning to live with.