The most difficult process in my life is my relationship. I do not talk much about the relationship on the blog. I often feel like speaking to that private, sacred connection in the pubic space is a betrayal. However, the more I talk about the blog with her the more it feels like not talking about her is a betrayal; as though I am relegating her to secret status. It is confusing, because I go into the choice thinking I am doing what is right and I emerge feeling both ‘less than’ and profoundly uncertain how to behave.
Here’s the thing: It is hard to be in a relationship. It means putting the other person’s needs before your own at times and making decisions together most of the time. I suspect that my partner would call my assessment of relationships incomplete, and it is. There are aspects of a relationship I cannot translate into words that paint beautiful images in a reader’s mind. It is about knowing each other and anticipating each other. It is about all the things in the world I have come to recognize I am inherently terrible at. Realizing this makes me feel like a terrible person. There are times I feel I don’t even know who my partner is. I consider my words and actions and predict reaction and I am constantly wrong. I am wrong on a scale that leads to two conclusions:
- I am probably an insensitive self-centered asshole
- The way I am and the thoughts and ideas I hold onto creates a lifestyle for my partner that is slowly killing her.
There is a scene in the movie Falling Down that springs to mind more and more these days:
I have to ask myself that question constantly. If I am the bad guy (or a bad guy) How did it happen? What did I do to get myself so far away from the sort of partner I wanted to be? I think it started with failed expectations and always trying to play catch up and always then winding up three steps beyond the every day reality. There’s more to it, but I only have these ten to share.