Month: October 2024

I am twitching as I right this, the result of years old neck trauma that continued to degrade the area making it harder and harder for the nerves to properly service parts of my body–harder still when the weight of stress tightens the muscles in my neck and shoulders. Even now I can feel the hand growing numb as I type. It isn’t a new feeling. I’ve had limited sensitivity in my left shoulder going on five years. The right is a fresher injury but stems from the same damaged cluster. The numbness is better than pain, I suspect. When I lose feeling entirely I just try to shake it off and let time reopen the connections so I can continue my work, or my game, or fighting my way back to sleep. That last one is becoming harder. I don’t know that I get a solid four each night anymore. That too adds to the stress. That too makes everything else more difficult.

When I was a counselor, I preached the steps of the AA plan. I thought they worked for all facets of life–accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change what you can. Nobody explained the difference between what you could and could not change. Nobody ever drew a line for me that marked where I could do more and where the work and effort would ultimately be meaningless. I wish they had. I wish I knew a lot sooner what things I could and should change and what things were simply useless to try. I’ve been fighting battles here that aren’t battles to anyone else but me, because to everyone else they are just natural and nature. I am learning that you cannot change a person’s nature, nor can you ever sit in their darkness. It doesn’t look the same to you.

So, I’m giving up.

I have the ability to control very little in my life. Yet that little I can control will be getting all of the attention that I have been dedicating to what I cannot control. That energy–that trying to occupy a space that doesn’t belong to me even if it does. That constant back of the mind fight over trying to get a moment of silence, a modicum of respect is over. I’m just going to do me–no matter how ridiculous that is. There are no lessons to be taught for anyone else. That is not my role in this environment. I’m just going to do me how and when I want and not be bothered by the rest of it.

Oh how I wish I were talking about sports. I am not. The election has me spinning, and it is too close to being a reality to actually think about other stuff this deeply for a ten minute post, so you are likely to see more of these musings leading all the way to the big finish. Beyond even–given that it will not be counted up on the day of. What I am really talking about here is fear. What I am really talking about is the difference between how the figureheads of the two parties and their respective media apparatus do business. Staring at a perfectly coifed Mike Johnson, a man whose entire persona radiates ‘rich kid who got bullied anyway’ vibes, I realized that I’ve always understood the difference between the types of elected officials.

Republican electees are figureheads. They are the class president types and the Karen types who truly believe in the concept of exceptionalism, if only for themselves and those who they purport to support. Who do they support? Real Americans. Which is to say that those who do not agree with their platform of values are not real Americans. The Republicans we see in office and on TV are a divisive sort. They are not about lifting up all Americans. In fact, the idea of lifting everyone up is only valid in the sense that we are all going to go up if the ‘best of us’ do even better. Trickle down theory in it’s purest form. They argue for smaller government, but only in the areas where they want more power to go to the wealthy. Don’t legislate our rights… unless they are rights we want to take away from you because they go against our platform. Let us keep our guns and your babies–regardless of your feelings on the issue.

Democrats are a colorful sort. They are the brown faces, those who’ve come from disparate groups to bring the ‘fringes’ of American society a voice.

That there is the construct that makes the issue for me. Republicans have managed to market themselves as real America. By default anyone else is the other. It is very hard to be the other–I should know. That explains at least in part why so many are verbally loathe to be so. It also explains why in a world where all the shouting is coming from the right, you may be in a situation where the so-called left can quietly win.

I am supposed to be looking backwards on days like this, so I will. I am using the council of foreign relations website as a significant source here, so make sure to fact check my work. I want to make sure I spend ten minutes talking about how it was and not how I felt. The difference matters. We are living in an era of feelings triumphing over facts and lies that support said feelings. The saga of the The Fitzsimons Place apartments at 1568 Nome Street in Aurora, CO led to all sorts of lies about gangs overrunning peaceful areas. It is worth noting that the alleged criminally controlled complex was shut down in August following a march 2023 complaint of poor living conditions (not gang violence). It is worth noting as well that the footage prompting the reports of a gang takeover were recorded on a ring security camera from a neighbor who was neither taken over nor harmed.

But this is about looking back.

The main argument that I hear from voters is: We are not better than we were 4 years ago. Well, are we better than we were 4 years ago? According to financial exports reporting through Forbes magazine, yes. However, that is not even a realistic question. Of course we are! 2020 was defined by Covid. Our experience of that time is locked behind a lot of politics, sadness, and fear.

So lets go back further: 2017 was a lot. It was the first year of the Trump presidency and in the USA it was a mess. Lots of uncertainty about how to get things done and as a result, lots of people getting him to sign stuff that was part of their agenda–not his. He didn’t know what he was doing. He expected to win, not govern… Of course, that is all my opinion. What are the actual facts? Well, we know the economy continued to grow, following the IMF predictions at +.5%. So we can argue that Trump is responsible for the the extra half percent of growth. We can also argue that Trump’s June 2017 proclamation that the US would leave the Paris Climate Agreement had a devastating impact on those accords and thus on the future climate (which we are dealing with now). Xi Jinping also rose, while blatantly exploiting international trade rules. Trump applauded him. Called him King of China. Thus we have established our present situation with how China feels about our ability to hold them in check.

I have several years to go, but that is ten so… next time.

I am officially fed up with all of the politics. What it boils down to for me is the sad reality that Trump can say or do anything he want and it isn’t disqualifying, but our democratic candidate is having to watch her words and behave in a fashion where she is constantly on the defense for everything. That is not fair. Nothing about this is fair–especially the constant refrain of “we will accept a fair election.” We already know you think this election is rigged. You’ve said it over and over again to the tune of dozens of active lawsuits before the ballots are even counted and before election day even happens. So, what do I think–what have I been programmed to think–will happen? Violence. On a scale we haven’t seen in our lifetimes. Someone will be killed during this process and I expect a lot of someones will be killed if Trump doesn’t win.

They have all but stated they won’t accept it. Let’s be clear, you cannot say the things you say and then hide behind the veil of ‘those were not my exact words!’ or ‘you are taking my exact words out of context!’ or ‘you don’t get when I am joking’ well we know you are not joking. We know that this is the next stage in a very long process of subverting the rules of American governance in order to be able to rewrite the rules of American governance to ensure this smaller party remains in power while they work to figure out how to once again become the popular majority. It sucks. It makes me think I am going to need to leave the USA in the next few months on a permanent basis (or at least for the next 8-12 years while this shit gets sorted). Why leave and not fight? Because I don’t exist in a place where I can fight and stay on my feet. I can fight from afar–settled with my family safe and the rules of interracial marriage intact.

Things are getting very scary here and the ones who are shouting are merely echoing the nonsensical party lines they see on partisan TV. Fox and its even more to the right ilk are the problem, because they warp things with fear and fail to even attempt to tell the truth. If I watched for too long I’d be scared too. But scared of what? Nothing real.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ve resorted to wearing noise cancelling headphones in my office to avoid being distracted by the constant blah blah of the TV outside of the space. How much more can I ask a kid hard of hearing to turn the thing down? I think the real stressor is that the co-existence of a person trying to work from home and one who doesn’t work at all is difficult… on the worker.

I was going to call this one ‘Write with your pants off’ but I realized there is already a book with a similar title, a shortcut to the meat of which is provided here.
My own approach to the blog was different from the outline in that I am not actually wearing pants, and it led me to a sense of newfound understanding about the idea of vulnerability. Writing is about being vulnerable. It is a duality of a sort because you are actually hiding behind the words and having them speak your truth, but in that truth you are extremely visible and vulnerable. I believe the best writers embrace that vulnerability–especially in terms of what their characters experience and how those individuals are reflective of them as people and their own experiences. Write what you know. I should then be writing about loss and love and being seen as less than by those closest to me. In fact, my upcoming novella is all of those things. I hope to write it in full over the next two months–as a bridge into the larger two projects I am excited and terrified about.

Pants off means looking at yourself for real. I, again for example, am suffering from a debilitating pinched nerve, which has expanded into a cluster of nerves that impact me in various debilitating ways and arouse a question of my own mortality…. You don’t know how much I’d prefer to say impending mortality, whatever that means… Pants off means I am looking at the coming shift in life where my kids are all gone and I am left to live and love with the Lady Talis. This is wonderful and terrifying as well, because we have longed for the moment, but to see it so close is to see it being real and to not truly know if we have everything in place to seize that moment.

Gosh. A lot happened once I started looking inward. Maybe I ought to do it more often.

This is a blog about my Son’s football season. Not the D1 one, but the High School one. No, it is not over, and in fact he has two more opportunities for success. That being said, I will not be present for either, due to other responsibilities. I’ve watched my last High School game of 2024. Overall, the kid improved on his freshman season. He did not come close to making the leap he expected to make. He dealt with long stretches of timidness in terms of getting to the football. He thought too much; trying to make sure the kid he was tackling (or considering tackling) wouldn’t escape for a big play. There are reasons for this. He plays safety, which is often the last line of defense. He plays safety on a bad team, which means he is often the last person to beat before a touchdown and often the only person to beat before a touchdown. The pressure of failure was too great at times and had him hesitant.

If you study the film, he looks like he’s always jogging to the play. This is a bad look, and the kind of look recruiters do not want to see. He has two games to understand that, and thus the sort of leap he needs to make in order to get to the next level. It is not all bad news. He shows explosiveness at times, and with that the ability to excel anywhere in the secondary. He does have the tools. He will need to put in even more work this off season through track to get himself to where he needs to be to get offers at the D1 level as a Junior. Consider his brother who was looked at by USC, BYU, and Drake only receiving an offer from FCS Drake. He is two years older than his sophomore brother and a far superior technical player. #16 has two seasons to get there and earn that opportunity to continue his quest at the next level.

I think he gets there. I think he’s a 15 year old kid playing as a starting Varsity player without the coordination or physical power he will have as a 16 then 17 year old high school player. He will get there physically. He has the mind to play the game. The key is the mental fortitude–the confidence to play without fear. Part of that requires him to accept that he may screw up and that his team may suffer because of it. However, playing balls to the wall is the only way his team will honestly and realistically benefit from his skillset.

He has to decide to let things go. He has to accept that he needs to do his job and only his job right now. I think I may have contributed to him thinking he needs to do more, and I will work to change that immediately. What he needs to do is lock in and dominate.

I do not have a thing to say today. So, I am going to write as much as I can about as much that comes to mind as humanly possible. The other day I gave a reading and one of the questions after was about the concept of writer’s block. They asked how to deal with it. I’m dealing with it right now. I am just sitting in this chair and letting the words move through me with the hopes that something of value comes to mind to share with the greater world. So far, nothing. Still, if I can get out one impactful sentence then I’ve done something. It is enough to say that you got something down each day. That was the other thing I said about writer’s block: you need to write through it. You need to put that butt in that chair and stare at that keyboard until you make your hands move. Then you keep moving them as the words come out. Not all of it will be good. Most of it will be this. Still, some of it will be a line or a phrase or a particular matching of words that means something. That’s when you know you are starting to break through.

Do not stop. Keep going. Keep pushing through until the end of the time limit. It feels to me like I write more when I don’t think about what I am trying to say and just let the words and phrases move through me. That is why I can go from a post that is 34 words to a post that is 450 or more. When I was younger I had this knack for drawing out all of this creative stuff. It was like I had a billion ideas and nothing but time to get it all down. I have a job and kids and the Lady Talis now, and as such none of that empty time is filled with words or creating ideas in my mind. I really do think that there is something magical there though. I really believe that if we can capture that freedom of youth–that mental state of not giving a damn about the heavy realities of bills and I gotta work tomorrow, then we can focus in on the fantastic.

This is not to say that you cannot have things going on and write. I was a dang demon in college. I’d spit out volumes in class. I’d be writing in the linings of my textbook, drawing story from the knowledge the teachers were trying to contextualize in so many other ways that I did not connect with. I think that this too is a pathway towards creativity. The subconscious marinates on stuff. It develops amazing connections between the weirdest things. Let it. Clear your mind. Let the part of it you don’t focus on help you figure out the stuff you do.

Some Thoughts:

1. A read an opinion piece by a clearly republican writer that tried to explain how Trump doing the McD’s but was political magic. He went so far to try to reassociate the trump weirdness as a good thing, saying America is weird. Nah, man. Not like that. Quit acting like this dude is of the people. He’s famous, and he is beloved because enough influencers in the lives of the people who follow (worship) him told them to love him. They all drank the sauce. I didn’t. Bro is a huckster. He is seen and he is dangerously thin-skinned. I’m out on Trump.

I never realized how much I craved silence until I could not find it.

There are different types of quiet, the most common being when you can listen to the sounds of the world and the sounds of the house uninterrupted by blaring youtube videos and the sounds of video games or the distant screams of a kid when something in game or on screen goes in an unexpected direction. I live in a world where I either need to leave the space, not work, or schedule my work around the time where the noise is greatest. I do this–I tiptoe angrily around the situation–because it is my nature to avoid the confrontation and maintain the peace. Yes, this is bad parenting, but it is also a practical impossibility to parent as the stepfather of grown children. What I can do is find an uneasy peace, and I have created that (I think). However, I am a victim of my own creation. I am the guy who needs to leave to seek peace or balance or to find a way to break through on a project because the distractions are so plentiful or I am so locked in on the flavor of that distraction and what it ultimately means in regards to my life and my hard work that it feels impossible to break free and do what I need to do.

Maybe what I need to do is be the asshole.

Maybe what I need to do is surreptitiously control the situation in a way that avoids the lingering days of stress and general disgruntledness of everyone that is the unfortunate result of direct confrontation where the natural reaction is one of protection and self-preservation and often, to minimize my concerns out of a sense of loyalty and balance on one hand and to dismiss them outright and openly on another. I’m not here for it. Not anymore.

I’m leading off with the blog today; putting firmly in my mind so I can put it out of my mind for the day. I want the mental space clear and ready to write fiction, because I have a ton of fiction to write. Before I get there I need to talk here about sports. I’ll start at the High School level and see how far I get.

My son’s team is terrible. I found myself saying that out loud the other day when my mother called and asked how his team was doing. They are 1-5 and ranked 29th out of a possible 31 teams in the 6A. This is in spite of being the 5th largest school in the state. Sloppy. Just plain sloppy stuff right there. If you have over 3000 students you ought to be able to find 24 (kicker and punter) starters to make a competitive team. They didn’t. They haven’t even found a coach who’ll stay longer than a year. I’m hoping this one will, if only to provide some consistency.

There are two teams with worse records in 6A, and it is my deepest hope that we get them on the schedule for the next two years. I am openly lobbying to get 27, 28, 30, and 31 on the schedule. We already will have 25 (who is a fellow district team and who we play in a few weeks). That could offer the chance for a 5 win season. Throw in a 5A team and we could be looking at a 6 win affair. In fact, we have a 5A this week. The team, Ironwood, has gone 4-3 this season, beating terrible teams and losing to the ones with winning records in 5A. We are not a winning record by any means, but we are larger (for however much that counts) and we did whip these guys 42-0 last season. Of course, that was a different coach and a different Talis-boy leading the secondary. Ironwood too has changed. They have a shifty QB who drank the Lamar sauce. I’ve been studying film this week in order to help the kid get an in-game and prep advantage. I’m going to teach him how to read the linemen preplay. He has the cues on how to read the qb once the play starts, but now the WRs are the next read. A two-stage read is an important skill for a safety, so here is an opportunity to grow and to harness that.

I was part of a panel today during which the host read a remarkably old bio that neglected to mention half my kids and the Lady Talis. I need to clean that up. Your bio is the image you put out of yourself to the world, and if I am denying half my family and literally half the books I’ve written then that is a bad look. I need to add roughly 40 volumes, two novels, and three novellas. Work needs to be done there to be sure.

That moment was a good moment to reflect on how far I’ve come since I first took work at Arizona State. The bio is likely slightly newer than the one on this blog, meaning I have work to do everywhere. It is a longstanding problem, me not keeping up with things of this nature. In fact it is only through thinking about this content that I discovered that my work appeared in an anthology several years back. This is not sustainable, though I’ve sustained it for decades. Funny how once you get old the things that were easy to overlook become all that you think about.