I spent some time this morning considering the thoughts of my last few blogs, from the ideas about deserving more success from kids, to the spoken and unspoken burden their way of life places on me. I considered the conversation with the Lady Talis in which she wondered if my problems were misdirected—something to which there is a modicum of truth. I thought about all of this in the context of yesterday’s revelatory charge of understanding who I am, where I am now, who I want to be and where I want to be tomorrow. It helped me to forge a deeper understanding of these aforementioned issues, their root causes, the reality of why they are problematic and how to move forward.
One of the things I have long struggled with in my space is respect. It is a struggle largely rooted in the belief that the people around me are selfish and are rarely willing to step back from selfish action and then largely only when it comes to the lady of the house. This has to do with longstanding relationships, how and who raised them (up until and often through the point we got together), and what they seen in the larger world around them in terms of how people are and should be treated. I am treated okay. I cannot say I am regularly treated like trash, because that would not be true. What I can say is that each person in our orbit has their own routine that commands their daily life and habits. The fact that one person’s routine clashes with my own leads to imagined conflicts when in truth it is simply the fact that these habits—these routines are not capable of working together.
I imagine conflicts where the truth points to a deeper problem because the conflict can be internalized and externally acted upon in some way—healthy or otherwise. The reality be it failure to launch, dead ending, world view contrary to locational reality, magical thinking, underperformance, limited scope, or whatever (to name multiple family members’ issues including my own baggage) is harder to deal with because I don’t have the power or perhaps even the resolve to deal with it. This is the true dilemma. So, now I know that at least.