Day: November 29, 2024

I realize now that what capitalist societies celebrate more than anything else is capitalism. That is what Black Friday is all about. I was out the door before 6 AM, in spite of the fact I really had nothing to buy. It was, for us, about the ritual. We are meant to do this thing because we have always done this thing and to continue to do it feels comfortable and good, and right and meaningful, and gives us a ritual to look forward to in the future. We are nothing as a culture without our rituals. So, we headed from store to store, searching aimlessly for what could bring us value and happiness in the moment. In the end I spent over $300 on feeding people and shoes I really do not need. I bought a lot, but I don’t feel remorse over the spending. I don’t feel any true joy either. I was going through the motions of the ritual because it matters to the people I care about. To quote a football favorite, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

I don’t know what specific rituals matter to me anymore. I like watching the football teams I like, which I argue counts as a ritual in a larger sense. Other things are less about me and more about the opportunity to spend time with the people (and especially the woman) I love. Today it felt like that was a bad thing–like being out on Black Friday was a sideways jab saying I was out on my time with loved ones; out on my relationship. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I’d rather live in a world where I can be happy and truthful and feel like what I say is understood.

I don’t know if the people I love in life know how much they mean to me. I don’t know that I tell them enough. I don’t know that they understand it or see it, or measure the value of my words and actions to them against those to others. I say it. I show it. I mean it. Yet how I see the world repeatedly proves to be not the way the world is or efforts to be. I’m extremely grateful for the Lady Talis. She’s changed my life. She’s redefined it and become the center of it. I’m grateful for the three new children she’s brought into my life, even though and often especially because of how much we clash and how much we manage to continue some vestige of a relationship in spite of it. Not all family loves each other or respects each other. We, at the very least, respect the idea of the family to the point where it allows us to maintain a family where others would not necessarily be able to continue. Most of that is because of the Lady Talis, whom I give thanks to most of all.

Thanksgiving, for me, is about reflecting on these things and being able to recognize the fortune that has shown on your life.