Month: December 2024

There have been two moments on this trip that have defined where I am at physically. Both are bad. The first was playing air hockey with my kid and realizing I lacked that zip to block shots. My mind followed with a brief but crippling depression as the Japanese version of the game flooded the field with a dozen pucks and I could not keep track of it all. He could. He won. He’s a lot younger than me. I felt that. I felt the body failing in the moment and it made me think I was impotent as a physical person. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think about that, which is why the second moment struck harder. We haven’t been here for long at all and in the second day of walking around the city I found that I was wiped out 7 miles into the day–at 5:30. I was done and ready to go home to a tiny hotel at 5:30.

This is certainly not who I planned to be and not who I intend to be. This is who I am. I need to acknowledge the truth of it and the lack of energy if I am going to address the problem in a meaningful way. Which brings me to the New Year. I didn’t win the lotto. I didn’t come up with a way to make much more money. I didn’t succeed at the rate I wanted to I did worse and I let myself really go physically. So, lose lose. I need a win.

This is my plan moving forward. I am going to slowly build my activity level and set a positive example through action. It is high time I got right.

The blog situation is a bit out of whack with the time shift. I moved forward a day when we went to Japan and that has me feeling a bit like I ought to stay on a USA schedule. I don’t quite get how to do that, so you may see an extra blog pop up. Ten minutes a day is great, but time can be a tricky thing. What is a day really? 24 hours, of course, but when you move through the globe you can effectively time travel forward and back in relative time. For example, going back it will be a flight that leaves one day and gets back essentially the time it left. Odd trick, that.

Time here is great. We are doing a lot with the kids and I am doing more physically than I have in a long while. It shows in my fatigue levels. Today left me wiped out and sore. I’ll be headed for sleep land very shortly.

Once I manage to get past the tiny room situation it will be easier to gather a sense of how much I do like it here in this season. It is winter in Tokyo, which means 38 degrees with a +/- of 8. Good basic temperature if you have the right gear. I’m not sure I do. I am also not sure if this trip is going to focus on the parts of the culture I like or the rest that I really cannot get behind. It is the American anime culture that largely pushed me away from anime. That culture focuses on a few things (like high school drama and screaming high-pitched girls) that I tend to avoid at all costs. Still, we will see how this unfolds.

Back in the States football is still unfolding. I missed the slate of games. I missed the end of the Sanders family era in an Alamo Bowl loss. I am quite curious about what things will look like for coach Prime moving forward. He doesn’t have that same star power around him in terms of players, so what will happen in terms of wins and losses? 2026 is the first time my son will get to face a Prime offense. He will be playing at Boulder, and I will do everything in my power to be there and watch him cook.

My two Tokyo-resident kids are cooking right now. They are doing extremely well out here. We saw one of the pair last night and intend to see both at the conclusion of this here blog. I am happy about how things are going here and I am really looking forward to what the future brings for everyone. The hotel? I am still less than happy about that one.

Some Thoughts:

1. It was and remains a big deal for me to get out and write somewhere here in the city. I don’t know where that would possibly be though. I’ll keep considering…

This one is going to feel a bit out of time, because the blog is happening in a 24 hour window of travel. We are in Tokyo visiting kids and that means a series fo flights and waits between flights–the longest flight being 12 hours. I have been using that time “effectively.” I binged the entire Acolyte run and I have questions. Firs, when does this happen? This is billed as being a hundred years before the rise of the empire but a lot of that does not track. Moreover, they are doing things the way Star Wars always does things which is to tell a different version of the same darn story. I am not pleased by that at all, because I was truly hoping for a new narrative in the world/universe. It is a huge universe and there must be stories that are less connected to the main storyline that are worth telling. I certainly expect there to be. Yet, here we are.

Speaking of being here, the hotel is a very very very small space. We we last stayed here we were in a hotel that was likely three times as large. This is a closet with a bathroom… that still costs a fortune. I have little positive to say about it so far. Little positive to say about the travel or anything in regards to this incredible adventure we are on save for that we are close to the train station–really close. That has to count for something.

Some Thoughts:

1. I expect I’ll drop a few hundred bucks to rent a larger space for a day or few. I don’t think this place really is for me in the long run. I value space more than I thought I did.

I was even dodging the blog this morning.

Some days writing feels like the last thing I want to be doing. Instead I want to sit and do nothing–not even watch shows. I want to decompress and let the mind wander. This is how some people recharge. It might be how I recharge. I would not know, because I cannot remember ever thinking through the idea of how I recharge other than accepting that I need a break. However, accepting that I need a break is a difficult thing to do to begin with.

This short period right now is my break. I have one due date (feb 1) and nothing else that kicks in until early January (prepping for classes that begin January 11th). The plan has been to get going for all that on January 9th leaving me with a break over the next fourteen days. That’s two weeks of purely having just one thing to do. Quite the break and possible recharge.

Some Thoughts:

1. Been sick for weeks now. I am doing better, but this has dragged on me and the Lady Talis for a while now. We are getting better, but dang.. over the break?

So, Xmas has passed and now we turn to the new year with eyes toward growth and change. I need to grow–especially as I dip towards the midpoint of life. It is hard to even imagine having as many good years in front of me as I have behind me. That sort of thing used to terrify me. It still scares me, but I suppose I’ve learned to deal with it–or at least hide it–better. There is so much more I want to do and accomplish, which is why I remain so obsessed with wealth.

I have hopes and dreams still, and that is an important thing to note as I live in a desert–a physical, social, and psychological one at that. Yet being here has not destroyed me to the point where I don’t dream. I do and part of that is wanting more for myself and partner. Now I need to go get it.

Some Thoughts:

1. For reasons I cannot untangle, I feel like Christmas should always be on a Thursday. It isn’t, of course. But it should be.
2. Fun fact: The church fixed the date of Jesus’ birth as December 25th because it was the date of the Roman winter solstice. It was part of a practice called Syncretism in which other faiths holidays are linked to your own as a way to further your own faith.
3. Fun fact 2: If we look at actual history and attempt to accept Jesus as being a real figure, the bible actually argues that he was not born in winter but during the time of shepherds tending the flock, which is a springtime thing. Furthermore, the date of birth does not appear in the scripture.

Yesterday I spent a half hour writing lore for the fantasy world. Maybe this thing matriculates into a novel. Maybe it doesn’t. At this point I do not entirely care one way or another. I like writing. I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to create. I am grateful for my life and my kids and the Mrs. most of all. I am happy and I am grateful for that. It is Christmas tat reminds me of these things and of how wonderful life has been to me thus far. I have it good. Do I have it too good? No. I have bills and struggles and depression and messed up relationships with more than one of my kids. I struggle a lot. I want more–I want to win the lotto so I can pay for my wedding and fix my house and pay off student loans and buy a patch of land near my father-in-law to cement that space as a homestead for our future kids.

It isn’t wrong to want. It isn’t wrong to define these things as needs. It is wrong to believe that you should be living a different life or that the people around you should do more/be more. It is not wrong to want more for your kids than you want for yourself either.

Why think these things on Xmas? Because this is the time I get the most real with myself about where I am and where I am headed. I have a lot of years left in me and I’m about to turn up.

T’was the night before Christmas,

Night before our good cheer

twas the night that we knew half our kids would be here.

We cleaned and we planned and made up our minds

We’d have gifts and fun and food of all kinds

You see this year was different; a shift in the stars

They were no longer children, but youngsters with cars

One even had a husband to add to the fun

Meanwhile Tokyo had two of our sons.

Yet as we approach a day filled with such flare

We had to remind all our kids we still care.

So we stuffed all the stockings

We made all the food

We even made one for the Husband

(as not to be rude)

He is family to now–a part of our tribe

So, it helps that we actually do dig his vibe

So far we have come from days far away

From time when in the streets our littles would play

From believing in Santa and the elf on that shelf

To getting so old that they ask after our health.

Life moves so quickly and brings us such cheer

That we must give it back when holidays near.

I set an alarm on my phone to remind me to reach out to one of my sons in Japan. I wanted to make sure I wished him a happy xmas eve. Christmas is different there than here. Christmas in Japan is a couples only affair. In fact, they even have a term for those who are single: Kuribocchi.

People spending Christmas alone are referred to as “kuribocchi,” a combination of “Kuri” for Christmas and “bocchi” for “hitori bocchi” (alone). Being a kuribocchi isn’t just about being single on Christmas; it’s about being single and sad about it. Picture going to a winter fireworks festival where everyone else has a partner, leaving you feeling lonely; that’s when you can label yourself a kuribocchi. ~Medium

So, imagine being a dad and your first born blood son is away in Japan for close to a year so far and discovers that the holiday is a couples affair. His step brother is there, but his step brother has a girlfriend locally, and that means he is handled. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re dad, you make sure the kid is okay and enduring this particular stretch of isolation. I went through the same thing myself a few years in Iowa spending Christmas alone in the dorms eating day-old McDonalds. After a while it became a tradition–though not a particularly healthy or good one.

I spent ten years in Iowa and a lot of that felt like I was isolated. I was one of a handful of black people and one of even fewer who lacked the means (and family) to escape for the holidays. That is what my boy is going through now and I feel for him. Still, I learned quite a bit about myself and my resolve. It is hard to be alone, but it is through being alone that you learn what you want and who you want to be with. You learn to value that time and space alone and also value the idea of sharing moments with a friend or loved one. Being alone is a chance to be silent and enjoy sinking into yourself. It doesn’t need to be depressing–it doesn’t need to reinforce the fact that you have no one to be with. These things come in time to those who are open to it. It will come to him as it came to me.

I found myself doomscrolling through youtube shorts much in the manner of a tiktok fan. It wasn’t my greatest moment. The clips, shortened and edited to maximize effectiveness, were of shows I knew of and either had or had not seen. A lot of Lois and Clark populated the feed, which led me further down the comic book rabbit hole. It made me realize how deep one can go into the watching and the fandom. There is over 10,000 hours of such content on Crunchyroll for one who decides to have the time.

I decide not to.

I decide to break away from that and realistically get my shit together. It isn’t going to be easy–especially in an environment that favors leisure and pastime over activity. However, I need to relearn how to measure and manage my time effectively. I need to get back into realizing that time is precious and I don’t have an unlimited amount of it. In fact, I’m starting to have less and less of it–both in the life and the day to day sense of things. So, I need to get better and making the time I do have impactful and taking something away from every day that I have. Easier said than done, as a matter of course, which is why and how I am in the situation I am in right now.

Right now I am planning to spend a few hours of actual leisure behavior. I am going to watch my Giants play, which means kicking my kid off the TV and off of his back and forth schedule of watch/play/watch–or at least relegating him to his room for such things. It makes me uncomfortable to have to do that, but comfort is exactly how I’ve ruined myself thus far. Time to get it right.