Day: December 26, 2024

So, Xmas has passed and now we turn to the new year with eyes toward growth and change. I need to grow–especially as I dip towards the midpoint of life. It is hard to even imagine having as many good years in front of me as I have behind me. That sort of thing used to terrify me. It still scares me, but I suppose I’ve learned to deal with it–or at least hide it–better. There is so much more I want to do and accomplish, which is why I remain so obsessed with wealth.

I have hopes and dreams still, and that is an important thing to note as I live in a desert–a physical, social, and psychological one at that. Yet being here has not destroyed me to the point where I don’t dream. I do and part of that is wanting more for myself and partner. Now I need to go get it.

Some Thoughts:

1. For reasons I cannot untangle, I feel like Christmas should always be on a Thursday. It isn’t, of course. But it should be.
2. Fun fact: The church fixed the date of Jesus’ birth as December 25th because it was the date of the Roman winter solstice. It was part of a practice called Syncretism in which other faiths holidays are linked to your own as a way to further your own faith.
3. Fun fact 2: If we look at actual history and attempt to accept Jesus as being a real figure, the bible actually argues that he was not born in winter but during the time of shepherds tending the flock, which is a springtime thing. Furthermore, the date of birth does not appear in the scripture.

Yesterday I spent a half hour writing lore for the fantasy world. Maybe this thing matriculates into a novel. Maybe it doesn’t. At this point I do not entirely care one way or another. I like writing. I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to create. I am grateful for my life and my kids and the Mrs. most of all. I am happy and I am grateful for that. It is Christmas tat reminds me of these things and of how wonderful life has been to me thus far. I have it good. Do I have it too good? No. I have bills and struggles and depression and messed up relationships with more than one of my kids. I struggle a lot. I want more–I want to win the lotto so I can pay for my wedding and fix my house and pay off student loans and buy a patch of land near my father-in-law to cement that space as a homestead for our future kids.

It isn’t wrong to want. It isn’t wrong to define these things as needs. It is wrong to believe that you should be living a different life or that the people around you should do more/be more. It is not wrong to want more for your kids than you want for yourself either.

Why think these things on Xmas? Because this is the time I get the most real with myself about where I am and where I am headed. I have a lot of years left in me and I’m about to turn up.