Yesterday I spent a half hour writing lore for the fantasy world. Maybe this thing matriculates into a novel. Maybe it doesn’t. At this point I do not entirely care one way or another. I like writing. I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to create. I am grateful for my life and my kids and the Mrs. most of all. I am happy and I am grateful for that. It is Christmas tat reminds me of these things and of how wonderful life has been to me thus far. I have it good. Do I have it too good? No. I have bills and struggles and depression and messed up relationships with more than one of my kids. I struggle a lot. I want more–I want to win the lotto so I can pay for my wedding and fix my house and pay off student loans and buy a patch of land near my father-in-law to cement that space as a homestead for our future kids.
It isn’t wrong to want. It isn’t wrong to define these things as needs. It is wrong to believe that you should be living a different life or that the people around you should do more/be more. It is not wrong to want more for your kids than you want for yourself either.
Why think these things on Xmas? Because this is the time I get the most real with myself about where I am and where I am headed. I have a lot of years left in me and I’m about to turn up.