7.653. Starting from 0

I need to make some real changes in my life. I need to be better, as a human, on a number of levels. It hit me hardest when a fellow author posted about his life change and life experiences. Let me start with a brief history: I was born in New York City. I was raised in that high-stress, fast-paced environment with the desire to be the best at whatever I decided to do. What I decided to do/be was a writer and an academic. My fellow author (occasional co-writer) chose the same path but came to it from a different starting location. Now he is in NYC and found himself at the crossroads of being an academic and an author.

Despite enjoying my academic work, the time came to stop half-assing two jobs and to whole-ass one of them; at my wife’s encouragement I began to freelance full time in the RPG and wargame industries, because, frankly, I love it, I’m good at it, and finding work as a writer doesn’t require going back to school to finish a PhD, as seriously pursuing academia would have. ~ Zimmerman

So that is the path he chose. Yet I still am attempting to do both and in doing so finding a way to balance that and building a life with the lady Talis. I am losing badly on every single front. I am even at the point of becoming a downright bad pop. So, It is time to reset. Time to start from zero and rebuild this man from the foundation on up. No, I’m not resetting the blog. That type of symbolism would reflect me forgetting who I was. I want to keep going forward–restart from who I am, how I spend my time, who I spend it with, etc.

There has to be major change. I need to go get that MFA and put myself in a space to go that ‘other direction’ from my guy and push myself to the limits of what I can do in both areas. I already gave up a lot to be a writer. I gave up coaching. I gave up music. I don’t intend to give anything else up. I just mean to do it all a hell of a lot better.

7.652. Reflections on a Thursday Night

Yesterday felt short and my brain felt slow. I feel that’s been a thing lately–a steady decline from the standardized speed developed in my late teens. That, being a possible issue, has led to me feeling a bit (or more than a bit) worried about my ability to conjure fiction. I hesitate to say whether or not I will get back to that tomorrow. There is still a lot of messy thoughts banging around up there. A lot of misplaced anger at the election and kids and life also rattle me to the core. I have these issues and often people say it is cathartic to write about issues, but it isn’t happening for me.

I am also getting older. I cannot see as well–a sad yet defining truth of old(er) age. I have to zoom in to read some of the 9pt text that used to be all I ever worked in. It isn’t helping the brain stuff. It is helping the self-confidence even less. What is helping is the belief that I still have within me the power to change–however waning. It will require me to actually do things. I need to get off my butt and get focused and organized (my fatal flaw?) and get in motion and stay in motion both physically and mentally. I want this. I want to be better. I want to have as much control over my own destiny that I can muster.

Winning the lotto wouldn’t hurt though.

Some Thoughts:

  1. The kid committed to University of Northern Colorado. It isn’t Boulder, but he’ll be at that stadium lining up against Prime’s squad in 26.