Month: January 2025

Griff didn’t like where this was heading.

Johnny Nefertiti promised he had the wiz to handle anything that came their way, but five seconds into the Maxwell Tenements they’d run afoul of a Rat Shaman. She wasn’t alone either. Griff hung back by the stairwell, the door to the inner courtyard between the seven buildings propped open with the remains of a toaster. The other door, the one leading back out of the complex and into the city, was closed. He kept staring at it, thinking about leaving Johnny Nefertiti behind. Griff wasn’t cut out for this. Sure he’d run a few jobs before. When muscle popped up as it always did, he’d stand a little taller, show his incisors , clsnch and unclench those MCT enhanced muscles, and say, “You don’t want this trouble.”

He even tried that here, but the Shaman dead-eyed him right back. She spat on the ground and he shrunk back when that spit coalesced into the shape of a rat, and then split into another, and another. He was in his backpedal by the third phase of mitosis. Vat grown muscle had nothing on her shit. Johnny Nerfertiti didn’t say a word. Griff saw him soften his stance as he tripped by the mage. Real wiz shit was going down, and it had nothing to do with Griff. Better put, Griff wanted nothing to do with it.

Some Thoughts:

1. That was about 8 minutes of my life right there trying to get back into the fiction mode. I’ve been reading a lot of Gibson lately, so there is the likliehood this bit of fiction channeled his aura.

I could’ve been playing Pokemon.

I was, in fact–re-centering my mind on a digital realm in which I’ve achieved a lower middle class status and from match to match fighting to keep myself from slipping further down the status ladder to a bottom that is netted to prevent me from falling any further. In the virtual world I have these protections. I have the assurance that my bootstrap skills will get me to a level at which I can assure myself that I am better off than at least some fraction of the virtual populace. This has its own appeal. Winning games has an embedded appeal wherein I can catch a brief pulse of endorphins that assure me of my value and self-worth. Games are supposed to do that for us, I think. The nature of zero-sum gaming is to argue that we, as the player, are better than those we play. It is the knife’s edge of value that, in its brevity, makes us feel good or at least temporarily fortunate. I need that moment of good feeling. It is my life preserver in a time and place where everything around me feels like the roiling seas of shame and failure. My very identity is put to the test daily as I watch all that I separate myself from–fierce right wing ideology, power-hungry dictatorial forces, corporate greed, mainstream dullardness–gain in strength, recognition, and publicity. Being in the world today makes me not want to be in the world today. It makes me want to stay home and hide in a video game, but my soul refuses to allow that–refuses to actually enjoy that. The Lady Talis calls it growing up but it feels more insidious than that–it feels like my conscience is forcing me to deal with the world around me and actually figure out a way to do something about it.

I do have voice. I write. Heck, I even publish beyond this blog that 1 person reads. I ought to be using that voice and reach to say something about what is going on and teaching others not to hide like I want to. This world of ours is going through a dark spell. It isn’t new. In truth, it is a rather normal cyclical event. Every global pandemic predated a World War by 3-20 years. We are in the window now. However, what is cyclical doesn’t need to be a permanent cycle. We can change our fate. We just need to understand it and understand what we are building towards.

Old rivalries and new are the story of the hour now that the new divisions have been released in Arizona High School Football. My kid plays for DV and that team alongside Corona Del Sol are part of a division located in Queen Creek Arizona, although these two teams are nowhere near QC. That being said, new rivalries will rise. Over the last two seasons Corona and DV have had some rough games. Corona has consistently gotten the better of DV–be it through last minute wins or facing a team struck by tragedy. The new rivalry started with the death of a student by suicide. That evening, after the school had been locked down all day (she killed herself on campus). The school opted to play the game against Corona. The students were not at all ready for it. Corona was and the result was a blowout. The rivalry was on.

In Queen Creek there are two teams named Queen Creek–ALA Queen Creek and Queen Creek. They are natural rivals and two of the top teams in the state. This makes them two of the top teams in the conference with DV and Corona on the bottom and another QC area school, Casteel. This is how his High School football career ends. These conferences and schedules are two year deals. He will be entering Junior season, so he has two years left. We don’t know the final schedule, but we know the meat of it.

I find myself at a low again. There are a number of factors contributing to this state of mind but the biggest one is that feeling of being out of control. I feel like I don’t have the tasks in my life in hand and, beyond that, I am not very helpful to the Lady Talis and our so very many kids in helping them get to a healthy place in their lives. In fact, I find most of our children to be at a very unhealthy place in their lives and all I can do is stand back and watch.

I keep having this dream. In it we own a rather large home with multiple floors. However, the lady and I never go past the first floor. In truth it feels like we live in the basement (unpack that!) with visits to the first level for lord knows what and to get to our cars. The upper levels have tons of room that is not being used. In some dreams we have kids who decide to crash there and in others where our kids are in the dream, they are not living there and are actively seeking housing but seem unaware that there is space on the top five floors. These dreams often coincide with moments or conversations where the kids are making choices that drive me flat out insane or argue that it is (and it really really is) time for me and the lady to get out of town. There is an opening in Seattle right now and I am going to talk to the lady about applying. Maybe that stops the dream. Maybe that forces the issue for the people in our lives. I don’t think that it will though.

I need to find a way to get my head right and my heart back to full where it belongs because the now is a sense of sadness that I’m truly struggling to endure.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need to go back to school. Being a man of nearly 50 years in a place where scholars half my age are considered old, this is an odd choice. Still it’s one of some importance. I need an MFA. Terminal degrees are the blue security badge of the academic world. Without one you’re not really getting in the building. You’re certainly unlikely to be asked to stay.

I am transitioning from being a full time teacher and dad to watching my last move on in a few years (which will trigger the ones who’ve stayed to have to go). That change unshackles the Family Talis from this desert hellscape. However, all is not terrible here. For one I have a job and they accept my Masters as valid and my teaching acumen as pretty darn good. Whether or not I can prove that I’m “good in class” to another institution is immaterial if I cannot pass the qualifications needed for my application to be taken seriously.

So, mfa it is. While there are a number of possible suitors in this regard they all want a letter, penned by yours truly, to cover my reasons for wanting to continue my education. No, I need that paper is not enough. So, I am searching for a way to say what it is I want from this final leg of formal education. I want to be able to share what I expect to gain and need to learn through their program. It needs to feel genuine while at once being persuasive. That of course means having an answer to that question that doesn’t rely on the need to have an MFA.

I don’t know that I have that answer. I have threads of one. I have the somber reality of the writing world and the concept of identity which argues that I, being known as a sci fi guy, will always be known as a sci fi guy but I want more. It isn’t much… it is a start.

I am about to turn 50 and I cannot reconcile that fact in my brain.

I keep thinking it is too soon. I keep thinking about my childhood and all the intervening years as though there are parts of my life that I missed–that someone hit fast forward on until suddenly I am here, 50, and not sure what 50 even is supposed to mean. Then I start thinking about other things. I think about people who’ve been married for 50 years and I realize I will never have that. I mean, its a hard maybe given the advances in technology, but that would certainly require me treating myself better than I have and even still pushing records of age.

I keep thinking I haven’t done the things I said I would. I haven’t written the trilogy of books. They were supposed to be fantasy best sellers but at this point with book two on the way it feels like they will be genre sci-fi …sellers? I haven’t married the girl of my dreams. I’m close. It is going to happen soon. It is not going to happen before I turn 50. I don’t have that dream home. I–we–well, she, has a home. In that I am like my biological father, which I swore never to be like.

There are failures here. There are also moments of being really close to the things I wanted. Through it all there is being a lot older than I really want to be and not understanding what it means to be this old or how to reconcile that with moving forward in life. What happens next? Hell, in five years I will be getting senior discounts. In five years I ought to be retired and taking that next step, whatever it is. I don’t even know what I want it to be, and that is scary. At least I know who I want it to be with, and I am making that part of it happen.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am ready to shift into the school year. Yeah, it is already coming up on week 3. I have to get better at settling in mentally even when I am not home. The way our lives are shaped here, we won’t be home until days before the semester begins. We plan it that way. Yet I don’t shift as fast as I need to.

I started reading Ikigai again after promoting it to my kid. The strategy, if you don’t know it, is the Japanese secret to a long and happy life. I am hoping to obtain both. Happiness is a thing I am struggling with from time to time. I am happy in my life yet struggling at times with my professional nature. I am not getting the work done I need to in the time frame I need to. Work is going really slow, as though the brain engine is in low gear and unable to churn out the good stuff. I get stuck on small word problems in my writing. I don’t have a real sense of how to do that properly. I don’t know how to ramp up. I never used to have to do it–being young meant the gears were in automatic, but not any longer. I am struggling with understanding how I work and what it means to be productive on a daily basis.

The principles of Ikigai can help me–can train me to begin to be that person to have that life I want to have. So, I will begin this stage of my path.

Some Thoughts:

1. My Son’s Tukee Tropics took the field and took quite a few beatings. Personally, he had a couple of interceptions, which is the best he could ask for while going 1-3.
2. Listening to Mr. Ballen as I put in these 10. I am working on training myself to do two things at once again. I don’t entirely need to do this, but this ability is really useful–especially in classroom situations where I need to be ‘on’ and ‘aware’ at the same time.
3. Iowa State Basketball rolled into town and beat up on ASU. That isn’t really what was interesting. What I did find interesting was the high number of ISU fans wandering around campus. A lot of Cyclones out here.

Yesterday my youngest had his first college interview. He’s a 15 year old sophomore and was interviewed by a coach from the University of Utah (Utes). The talk went well, but what followed pointed to deeper issues in his life and future. That evening he played 7s and played very poorly (by his own estimation). There was a particularly bad play that resulted in a lot of trash talk by his more negative teammates. These are the ones he’s been with since he was a 12 year old kid playing 14U–The ones who hated him starting over them then and hate him being out there now as they prepare to move into senior year and he into Junior. That hate–that disregard and disrespect is a common element not only in sports, but in life. Haters gonna hate. You have to be able to rise above that noise and do what you’re meant to do and live your life without letting them bring you down. Unfortunately, he cannot. Not yet.

I have two kids capable of being professional athletes from a physical standpoint. Right now only one has the mental makeup to reach that goal. The youngest isn’t built like that. He has never been in a position where he’s had to earn respect. He’s always been the kid who coaches said was ‘the guy’. Part of that is absolutely on me. He is more confident when I am on the sideline. He’s been that way since he was little. I say go get me a touchdown or a pick and it happens. That father son stuff is detrimental to him now, because without me he doesn’t have the confidence–which is to say plainly: he doesn’t believe in himself.

He lets the other voices in and he lets the other voices win the minute he does something wrong. It is a downward spiral from there. Still, he’s a 15 year old kid playing varsity football with 18-19 year old men. He has time to grow into something amazing. He just needs to find a way to fortify his mind. I mean to help with that, but the work–the very hard personal growth–has to come from within. Without it, he won’t even make it to college and as of now, he doesn’t even have a plan B.

I have no idea how to structure a day.

The clock reads 12:34 and I’ve done almost nothing useful. I did, in fact, begin to change my shower curtain as I was engaged in a lengthy conversation with my brother about life, weather conditions, and upcoming nuptials. I did not write. I did not grade. I barely sorted through my emails. Yet my work day is basically over. Out in the kitchen the Lady Talis is preparing lunchtime salads. We will sit and eat and play games. By the time it is all over the clock will probably read three or later. Then what? I need to get some form of exercise, which at that hour likely means a walk. That’s done by four or later. Then we are deciding how we want to spend our evening.

I don’t like disrupting what life we’ve carved out for ourselves here on these days where we are not in the office. I don’t like that on these days if I slip up just a little and don’t get on the computer to write early, I don’t write at all. That means that for this project that is due in 8 days and has roughly a thousand words I need to write a day including today in order to successfully finish, I need to discover a way to produce meaningful time for each remaining day. I have never learned how to be consistent like that. If I did–when I do–I will be prolific. After all, 1000 a day translates into 365,000 words a year. That’s a solid 3 novels for me. In order to make a living off this I probably need 4.

Some Thoughts:

1. I will find a way to get in my 1K today. I will find a way to hit that number every day moving forward. I really want this. I have the ability and the need to get this done. The need was lacking up until now, but I am trying to transition out of full time teaching and this is all I do otherwise. Nobody is paying me to be a washed up FB coach. Nobody is signing up for me to be their 7 on & franchise lead. This is the job. I have the stories. This is the way.
2. By the way, I am struggling to find new stuff to read via audible. I settled on an hour long Joe Hill short for the moment, but that is only going to get me through a day or two.
3. Organization is the underlying theme through this post. I need to get organized and get my priorities in order. Obviously, the love life comes first. The writing has to be next on the list.
4. Part of that has been the large reduction in gaming time. I just don’t anymore. It feels like a realization that there is not any time in my life for falling into game narrative. I gotta use that time to clean my bathroom or grade papers or any number of tasks I don’t want to do.

I started playing this phone game called Retro Bowl. Its one of the games that can be played without the internet so it was a fun-filled experience to kill time on the myriad of flights I endured over the past few weeks. Anyhow, the game was fun. What caught me by surprise was the impact of coaches. You can hire coaches for your staff like with most FB games these days, but the star rating of the coaches really impacts the star rating of your O/D and impacts the performance of the players wildly. I am thinking about this as I am watching my son’s DB coach walk away towards ACU. They are getting a real one. Meanwhile, my kid’s reason for going to UNC just evaporated. That means yet another season with an entirely new staff which is further modified by it not being the staff we intended. He hasn’t had the same coaching staff for more than a season since he was twelve and started playing high school football. Yeah, the 12 thing catches me off guard sometimes too.

Meanwhile, back at the farm 7s season is springing to life and the hype train has already rolled into the station. My youngest is struggling with the concept of not playing for one of these marquee teams. He plays for two teams presently–one of them is faux marquee. He plays for a squad called the Tukee Tropics, which is the school team. He also suits up for TrueBuzz Athletics, which is apparently a pathway to receive underclassman offers. However, he knows as I do that underclassman offers are meaningless. You cannot sign those. It is what happens Jr year on visits that sets you up to sign a contract Senior season. It is only that signing of paperwork (which is going to replace the traditional offer moving forward) that makes an offer worthwhile. Offers, as we’ve learned through practice, are fleeting and temporary things driven by team need and player rankings at the time. Underclassman offers are great for your own hype and do get some other teams to notice you, but they mean little. Still, it doesn’t lessen the sting of seeing many of his youth teammates get offers while he hasn’t even had the chance to speak to a coach. He will have a chance to attend camps this spring and summer. Maybe that will help him as he transitions from sophomore starter to Jr. He needs to find the confidence in himself, IMHO. Camps will only make you feel small otherwise.