Day: January 28, 2025

I find myself at a low again. There are a number of factors contributing to this state of mind but the biggest one is that feeling of being out of control. I feel like I don’t have the tasks in my life in hand and, beyond that, I am not very helpful to the Lady Talis and our so very many kids in helping them get to a healthy place in their lives. In fact, I find most of our children to be at a very unhealthy place in their lives and all I can do is stand back and watch.

I keep having this dream. In it we own a rather large home with multiple floors. However, the lady and I never go past the first floor. In truth it feels like we live in the basement (unpack that!) with visits to the first level for lord knows what and to get to our cars. The upper levels have tons of room that is not being used. In some dreams we have kids who decide to crash there and in others where our kids are in the dream, they are not living there and are actively seeking housing but seem unaware that there is space on the top five floors. These dreams often coincide with moments or conversations where the kids are making choices that drive me flat out insane or argue that it is (and it really really is) time for me and the lady to get out of town. There is an opening in Seattle right now and I am going to talk to the lady about applying. Maybe that stops the dream. Maybe that forces the issue for the people in our lives. I don’t think that it will though.

I need to find a way to get my head right and my heart back to full where it belongs because the now is a sense of sadness that I’m truly struggling to endure.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need to go back to school. Being a man of nearly 50 years in a place where scholars half my age are considered old, this is an odd choice. Still it’s one of some importance. I need an MFA. Terminal degrees are the blue security badge of the academic world. Without one you’re not really getting in the building. You’re certainly unlikely to be asked to stay.

I am transitioning from being a full time teacher and dad to watching my last move on in a few years (which will trigger the ones who’ve stayed to have to go). That change unshackles the Family Talis from this desert hellscape. However, all is not terrible here. For one I have a job and they accept my Masters as valid and my teaching acumen as pretty darn good. Whether or not I can prove that I’m “good in class” to another institution is immaterial if I cannot pass the qualifications needed for my application to be taken seriously.

So, mfa it is. While there are a number of possible suitors in this regard they all want a letter, penned by yours truly, to cover my reasons for wanting to continue my education. No, I need that paper is not enough. So, I am searching for a way to say what it is I want from this final leg of formal education. I want to be able to share what I expect to gain and need to learn through their program. It needs to feel genuine while at once being persuasive. That of course means having an answer to that question that doesn’t rely on the need to have an MFA.

I don’t know that I have that answer. I have threads of one. I have the somber reality of the writing world and the concept of identity which argues that I, being known as a sci fi guy, will always be known as a sci fi guy but I want more. It isn’t much… it is a start.