I’m struggling as a person at the moment. I am trying to make sense of a life that, for all intents and purposes, is pretty basic and rote, but is not at all the magical existence I expected it to be and especially not the existence my partner is looking for. I am struggling with guilt and lack of meaning and no real purpose beyond getting stuff done that needs to get done interspersed with a few hours of gaming whenever I get a chance. The gaming is my drug of choice. It is a release from a home reality that is all sorts of horrible. It used to be that gaming was something I did for fun and how I wanted to spend my alone time to clear my head. It is still that, but it being that also makes it a way to escape from the other option, which is sitting in the dark and feeling bad about life and not having any real sense of how to change anything.
The hardest thing for me isn’t when I feel alone and isolated even when among people. The hardest thing for me is when I want to isolate because I know that being with people just incurs long term damage; where every word I speak is slap of paint on the wall of my life covering up something vital to my existence and masking it as though that word–that phrase–cancels out everything else. That is what my life looks like these days. It isn’t a pretty place to be.
Some Thoughts:
- I was about to end this blog entirely last night. I still may. It’s become more and more probable that I will stop writing–stop expecting to have the mental clarity to be able to and even want to create stories. What stopped me was the voice in the back of my mind that said I would try to pick it up again eventually. If I’m really about something and expect to see it continue, then there is no value in stopping. That is true in all aspects of my life. I want to stop right now. However, I’m going to Dory this out as long as I can until I know one way or another.