If who we are is a result of our experiences, then there are certainly things to be thankful for about my childhood. It was imperfect. More doors were closed for me than were opened, but the education and independence I received helped me become who I am today, as did all the bad experiences and good. I remain thankful for the life I had as a child. I always think, “It could have been worse.” When I see children today I encounter such high levels of privilege that I often wonder if they or their parents are aware of what they are doing to these kids. They are limiting them in so many ways. Most students I encounter seem unable to process life outside of the small box of reality from whence they came. They will stay here their entire lives and live simply and without ambition. Perhaps that is a good thing. Ambition has slowly died in my soul over the past decade and I often fear that it was all that kept me moving forward for the first 30 yrs of life. I learned from a very young age to want more from myself and to want more out of the people around me. I did lose that somewhere along the way. I started accepting mediocrity before I plunged myself into it and now it seems useless to try to get out of it in many areas of life. Often, a good day and a thrill of happiness with the people I love is all I long for.
Again, is that so wrong?
This is the first year I have not spoken to my mother on Thanksgiving. I do not know if I will ever speak to her again. At this point it will be someone other than me initiating that conversation. I’m done. Yet, I haven’t ascended to the patriarch of family role either. I haven’t started carving out what it means to sustain a family long term and down through the branches of time. I haven’t begun to think beyond the traditions that the great grand children will carry–only that they will likely carry what we forge here in these next few years and the nearly a decade before that which my partner and I have formed together. These are big conversations. Time is long and life is short. These are conversations that define a future.
Most of my six kids are still experiencing some version of childhood and I need to be better. I need to step up and show them what life can offer less they fear it offers little more than they have right now. Still, is what they have right now so bad? Maybe it is enough.