When things go wrong in my house the argument is never about what went wrong. The talks (if you will) center around who is or isn’t to blame. This is not my goal in the conversation. In fact I start the conversations with the caveat, ‘this isn’t about who did it’ but the kids–heck even the adults–are all about who did what. Why? Because they feel that the person responsible should be the person who A) hears the lecture and B) deals with whatever cleanup or punishment is necessary. This selfish viewpoint is indicative of most children and adults I encounter. Fortunately, I work in a place where the majority of the co-workers I associate with are a bit more enlightened about such things. I want–need–to communicate how important it is to separate blame from action, because blame really dims the concept of right and wrong behaviors.
‘It wasn’t me’ has traveled the world for as long as words were spoken. It is socially natural to look to the guilty figure and separate yourself from that figure. Unfortunately, that method also separates you from the action itself. When ‘it wasn’t you’ it is easy to ignore that anything happened at all. Consider our stance on race relation in the U.S. So many people say, “I didn’t do that, so why hold me responsible and why bring it up to me?” Because the result of that behavior shapes our moments together. That is precisely what my kids do not get. Sure, you didn’t spill that glass of water all over the floor, but the water is there and it needs to get cleaned up and every moment we spend arguing about how the water got there is another moment that water spreads, causes damage, and limits the positive interactions we can have with each other.
Just clean that shit up.
Some thoughts:
- Blogging during my first born’s asthma exam. The tests they give kids to test breath strength, lung capacity, etc. are very cute and kid friendly. You would be hard pressed to recognize that these are very serious medical examinations that determine what manner of treatment a child needs in order to stay alive. I like this clinic. To my knowledge they’ve only lost one patient, and that was someone who refused to take the meds–or had parents who were not responsible enough to stay on the kid to make sure the meds were taken.
- I am stopping at Ikea on the way home. It is high time we spruced up our kid spaces. Gonna stop at Home Depot as well to look at some wooden slats and stains so we can finish the tree house…