Author: admin

Monday is really the start of my week. It is the day I return to classes and thus the day that ends my weekending and forces me to think in a ‘work-forward’ way. So, here I am on Monday trying out Monday things. I think that I need to be implementing weekly workloads. In other words I need a core list that defines and details that week in terms of responsibilities, word count, etc. By doing so I will be able to look forward across the week, and ‘GSD’ which is my new acronym for Get Shit Done. I am (was going to say have been) spiraling in terms of keeping up with life. I do not write enough (hardly anything) down and thus watch as stuff continues to slip through the cracks. I understand that there are a multitude of things that I cannot control, but I can control what is under my power and I can control making time and space for the things I cannot directly control. It is like when you have a budget and you set aside cash for emergencies. Time can be allocated in the same way. Rainy Day time, so to speak. If I can turn that time into Video Game time (when not otherwise needed) it may help to restore that balance between work and play that has been lost over the course of a year.

So, today begins with a list. It begins with a month list, because this is the start of a new (and shockingly fast and short) month that is inexorably going to set up the next month, which is going to lead into the last month of the work semester. All of this means that I need to be well organized and well regulated in order to hit the goals I have within the span of this time. I have a great deal to look forward to, and I am prepared for none of it. Likewise, I need to set the tone and the example for those kids around me who aren’t handling their own shit.

Some Thoughts:

1. Powerful motivation for a Monday. I’ve been feeling really down these last few days and a little locking in may be the solution to my personal woes.
2. Black History month is happening, but I haven’t been the least bit engaged or involved in it. I need to assess that moving forward–so long as it exists within this new anti-DEI era.
3. Looking forward to the trip to New Orleans. I’m hearing that it is always crazy in certain areas of town and I certainly want to see a bit of the wild, but I hope to see a lot more of the whimsical–meaning the parade scene. A few nights of really good Jazz would be great.

First day without coffee in a while and I rose to find the old familiar behaviours of the post not getting posted due to me not hitting the button. It is a sign. It is usually a sign of me being overwhelmed by the responsibilities I put myself into. In this case it is exactly that alongside a mixture of lack of sleep. I have been sleeping but at odd hours–naps mostly. To add to that, the lack of coffee has me down in the doldrums. Clearly a primary reason I don’t do drugs is because of how easily I get addicted to substances that bring me ease. Also clearly, the root cause of that addiction is a need for ease. I have a tendency to spread myself too thin, and in that I lose focus on the work that means the least to me. I try to stay locked in on the important stuff, and mostly do, but I lose a bit of myself in doing so. If there is no balance then there is eventually going to be a crash. The inability to find a suitable release argues that there is a lack of balance and moreover, a deeper need for reset and relax.

Yet, I feel like I can handle whatever comes. That is the twist here. So long as the Lady Talis and I are good, the rest of the stuff is background noise. My soul remains intact, even if the work isn’t getting the focus it needs or deserves. It stands to reason that a result of this is that some things are just coasted through while others are given the attention I can provide and others are pushed off indefinitely. I have a rack of back burners.

I am planning to shape this upcoming summer into what I need: A respite. Beyond that I do live in a situation where I will be starting, on occasion, to get the peace and quiet I need in order to get myself together.

Jelles Marbles are playing int he background as I write this. I don’t really have a coherent post this evening, so I will stick to…

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ve struggled with organized sports lately. There is a ton of toxicity in them but that is not the issue entirely. It feels like the stories and news surrounding the sport seem rote. There is so much over exposure nowadays that I don’t actually get a chance to miss it or rest from it. Instead it is a constant stream of information that drowns out any and all nuance to the games and makes it seem like you have to remain engaged or you’ll “miss something major!” I won’t though.
2. I am ready to get back into writing fantasy. Except I don’t really have the time to do it. This summer then.
3. Jelles Marbles is frustrating. In truth, watching my specific team suck is frustrating. As it is in all sports.
4. Slow word night. Don’t have the energy for it this evening.

Griff didn’t like where this was heading.

Johnny Nefertiti promised he had the wiz to handle anything that came their way, but five seconds into the Maxwell Tenements they’d run afoul of a Rat Shaman. She wasn’t alone either. Griff hung back by the stairwell, the door to the inner courtyard between the seven buildings propped open with the remains of a toaster. The other door, the one leading back out of the complex and into the city, was closed. He kept staring at it, thinking about leaving Johnny Nefertiti behind. Griff wasn’t cut out for this. Sure he’d run a few jobs before. When muscle popped up as it always did, he’d stand a little taller, show his incisors , clsnch and unclench those MCT enhanced muscles, and say, “You don’t want this trouble.”

He even tried that here, but the Shaman dead-eyed him right back. She spat on the ground and he shrunk back when that spit coalesced into the shape of a rat, and then split into another, and another. He was in his backpedal by the third phase of mitosis. Vat grown muscle had nothing on her shit. Johnny Nerfertiti didn’t say a word. Griff saw him soften his stance as he tripped by the mage. Real wiz shit was going down, and it had nothing to do with Griff. Better put, Griff wanted nothing to do with it.

Some Thoughts:

1. That was about 8 minutes of my life right there trying to get back into the fiction mode. I’ve been reading a lot of Gibson lately, so there is the likliehood this bit of fiction channeled his aura.

I could’ve been playing Pokemon.

I was, in fact–re-centering my mind on a digital realm in which I’ve achieved a lower middle class status and from match to match fighting to keep myself from slipping further down the status ladder to a bottom that is netted to prevent me from falling any further. In the virtual world I have these protections. I have the assurance that my bootstrap skills will get me to a level at which I can assure myself that I am better off than at least some fraction of the virtual populace. This has its own appeal. Winning games has an embedded appeal wherein I can catch a brief pulse of endorphins that assure me of my value and self-worth. Games are supposed to do that for us, I think. The nature of zero-sum gaming is to argue that we, as the player, are better than those we play. It is the knife’s edge of value that, in its brevity, makes us feel good or at least temporarily fortunate. I need that moment of good feeling. It is my life preserver in a time and place where everything around me feels like the roiling seas of shame and failure. My very identity is put to the test daily as I watch all that I separate myself from–fierce right wing ideology, power-hungry dictatorial forces, corporate greed, mainstream dullardness–gain in strength, recognition, and publicity. Being in the world today makes me not want to be in the world today. It makes me want to stay home and hide in a video game, but my soul refuses to allow that–refuses to actually enjoy that. The Lady Talis calls it growing up but it feels more insidious than that–it feels like my conscience is forcing me to deal with the world around me and actually figure out a way to do something about it.

I do have voice. I write. Heck, I even publish beyond this blog that 1 person reads. I ought to be using that voice and reach to say something about what is going on and teaching others not to hide like I want to. This world of ours is going through a dark spell. It isn’t new. In truth, it is a rather normal cyclical event. Every global pandemic predated a World War by 3-20 years. We are in the window now. However, what is cyclical doesn’t need to be a permanent cycle. We can change our fate. We just need to understand it and understand what we are building towards.

Old rivalries and new are the story of the hour now that the new divisions have been released in Arizona High School Football. My kid plays for DV and that team alongside Corona Del Sol are part of a division located in Queen Creek Arizona, although these two teams are nowhere near QC. That being said, new rivalries will rise. Over the last two seasons Corona and DV have had some rough games. Corona has consistently gotten the better of DV–be it through last minute wins or facing a team struck by tragedy. The new rivalry started with the death of a student by suicide. That evening, after the school had been locked down all day (she killed herself on campus). The school opted to play the game against Corona. The students were not at all ready for it. Corona was and the result was a blowout. The rivalry was on.

In Queen Creek there are two teams named Queen Creek–ALA Queen Creek and Queen Creek. They are natural rivals and two of the top teams in the state. This makes them two of the top teams in the conference with DV and Corona on the bottom and another QC area school, Casteel. This is how his High School football career ends. These conferences and schedules are two year deals. He will be entering Junior season, so he has two years left. We don’t know the final schedule, but we know the meat of it.

I find myself at a low again. There are a number of factors contributing to this state of mind but the biggest one is that feeling of being out of control. I feel like I don’t have the tasks in my life in hand and, beyond that, I am not very helpful to the Lady Talis and our so very many kids in helping them get to a healthy place in their lives. In fact, I find most of our children to be at a very unhealthy place in their lives and all I can do is stand back and watch.

I keep having this dream. In it we own a rather large home with multiple floors. However, the lady and I never go past the first floor. In truth it feels like we live in the basement (unpack that!) with visits to the first level for lord knows what and to get to our cars. The upper levels have tons of room that is not being used. In some dreams we have kids who decide to crash there and in others where our kids are in the dream, they are not living there and are actively seeking housing but seem unaware that there is space on the top five floors. These dreams often coincide with moments or conversations where the kids are making choices that drive me flat out insane or argue that it is (and it really really is) time for me and the lady to get out of town. There is an opening in Seattle right now and I am going to talk to the lady about applying. Maybe that stops the dream. Maybe that forces the issue for the people in our lives. I don’t think that it will though.

I need to find a way to get my head right and my heart back to full where it belongs because the now is a sense of sadness that I’m truly struggling to endure.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need to go back to school. Being a man of nearly 50 years in a place where scholars half my age are considered old, this is an odd choice. Still it’s one of some importance. I need an MFA. Terminal degrees are the blue security badge of the academic world. Without one you’re not really getting in the building. You’re certainly unlikely to be asked to stay.

I am transitioning from being a full time teacher and dad to watching my last move on in a few years (which will trigger the ones who’ve stayed to have to go). That change unshackles the Family Talis from this desert hellscape. However, all is not terrible here. For one I have a job and they accept my Masters as valid and my teaching acumen as pretty darn good. Whether or not I can prove that I’m “good in class” to another institution is immaterial if I cannot pass the qualifications needed for my application to be taken seriously.

So, mfa it is. While there are a number of possible suitors in this regard they all want a letter, penned by yours truly, to cover my reasons for wanting to continue my education. No, I need that paper is not enough. So, I am searching for a way to say what it is I want from this final leg of formal education. I want to be able to share what I expect to gain and need to learn through their program. It needs to feel genuine while at once being persuasive. That of course means having an answer to that question that doesn’t rely on the need to have an MFA.

I don’t know that I have that answer. I have threads of one. I have the somber reality of the writing world and the concept of identity which argues that I, being known as a sci fi guy, will always be known as a sci fi guy but I want more. It isn’t much… it is a start.

I am about to turn 50 and I cannot reconcile that fact in my brain.

I keep thinking it is too soon. I keep thinking about my childhood and all the intervening years as though there are parts of my life that I missed–that someone hit fast forward on until suddenly I am here, 50, and not sure what 50 even is supposed to mean. Then I start thinking about other things. I think about people who’ve been married for 50 years and I realize I will never have that. I mean, its a hard maybe given the advances in technology, but that would certainly require me treating myself better than I have and even still pushing records of age.

I keep thinking I haven’t done the things I said I would. I haven’t written the trilogy of books. They were supposed to be fantasy best sellers but at this point with book two on the way it feels like they will be genre sci-fi …sellers? I haven’t married the girl of my dreams. I’m close. It is going to happen soon. It is not going to happen before I turn 50. I don’t have that dream home. I–we–well, she, has a home. In that I am like my biological father, which I swore never to be like.

There are failures here. There are also moments of being really close to the things I wanted. Through it all there is being a lot older than I really want to be and not understanding what it means to be this old or how to reconcile that with moving forward in life. What happens next? Hell, in five years I will be getting senior discounts. In five years I ought to be retired and taking that next step, whatever it is. I don’t even know what I want it to be, and that is scary. At least I know who I want it to be with, and I am making that part of it happen.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am ready to shift into the school year. Yeah, it is already coming up on week 3. I have to get better at settling in mentally even when I am not home. The way our lives are shaped here, we won’t be home until days before the semester begins. We plan it that way. Yet I don’t shift as fast as I need to.

I started reading Ikigai again after promoting it to my kid. The strategy, if you don’t know it, is the Japanese secret to a long and happy life. I am hoping to obtain both. Happiness is a thing I am struggling with from time to time. I am happy in my life yet struggling at times with my professional nature. I am not getting the work done I need to in the time frame I need to. Work is going really slow, as though the brain engine is in low gear and unable to churn out the good stuff. I get stuck on small word problems in my writing. I don’t have a real sense of how to do that properly. I don’t know how to ramp up. I never used to have to do it–being young meant the gears were in automatic, but not any longer. I am struggling with understanding how I work and what it means to be productive on a daily basis.

The principles of Ikigai can help me–can train me to begin to be that person to have that life I want to have. So, I will begin this stage of my path.

Some Thoughts:

1. My Son’s Tukee Tropics took the field and took quite a few beatings. Personally, he had a couple of interceptions, which is the best he could ask for while going 1-3.
2. Listening to Mr. Ballen as I put in these 10. I am working on training myself to do two things at once again. I don’t entirely need to do this, but this ability is really useful–especially in classroom situations where I need to be ‘on’ and ‘aware’ at the same time.
3. Iowa State Basketball rolled into town and beat up on ASU. That isn’t really what was interesting. What I did find interesting was the high number of ISU fans wandering around campus. A lot of Cyclones out here.