Author: admin

So, Xmas has passed and now we turn to the new year with eyes toward growth and change. I need to grow–especially as I dip towards the midpoint of life. It is hard to even imagine having as many good years in front of me as I have behind me. That sort of thing used to terrify me. It still scares me, but I suppose I’ve learned to deal with it–or at least hide it–better. There is so much more I want to do and accomplish, which is why I remain so obsessed with wealth.

I have hopes and dreams still, and that is an important thing to note as I live in a desert–a physical, social, and psychological one at that. Yet being here has not destroyed me to the point where I don’t dream. I do and part of that is wanting more for myself and partner. Now I need to go get it.

Some Thoughts:

1. For reasons I cannot untangle, I feel like Christmas should always be on a Thursday. It isn’t, of course. But it should be.
2. Fun fact: The church fixed the date of Jesus’ birth as December 25th because it was the date of the Roman winter solstice. It was part of a practice called Syncretism in which other faiths holidays are linked to your own as a way to further your own faith.
3. Fun fact 2: If we look at actual history and attempt to accept Jesus as being a real figure, the bible actually argues that he was not born in winter but during the time of shepherds tending the flock, which is a springtime thing. Furthermore, the date of birth does not appear in the scripture.

Yesterday I spent a half hour writing lore for the fantasy world. Maybe this thing matriculates into a novel. Maybe it doesn’t. At this point I do not entirely care one way or another. I like writing. I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to create. I am grateful for my life and my kids and the Mrs. most of all. I am happy and I am grateful for that. It is Christmas tat reminds me of these things and of how wonderful life has been to me thus far. I have it good. Do I have it too good? No. I have bills and struggles and depression and messed up relationships with more than one of my kids. I struggle a lot. I want more–I want to win the lotto so I can pay for my wedding and fix my house and pay off student loans and buy a patch of land near my father-in-law to cement that space as a homestead for our future kids.

It isn’t wrong to want. It isn’t wrong to define these things as needs. It is wrong to believe that you should be living a different life or that the people around you should do more/be more. It is not wrong to want more for your kids than you want for yourself either.

Why think these things on Xmas? Because this is the time I get the most real with myself about where I am and where I am headed. I have a lot of years left in me and I’m about to turn up.

T’was the night before Christmas,

Night before our good cheer

twas the night that we knew half our kids would be here.

We cleaned and we planned and made up our minds

We’d have gifts and fun and food of all kinds

You see this year was different; a shift in the stars

They were no longer children, but youngsters with cars

One even had a husband to add to the fun

Meanwhile Tokyo had two of our sons.

Yet as we approach a day filled with such flare

We had to remind all our kids we still care.

So we stuffed all the stockings

We made all the food

We even made one for the Husband

(as not to be rude)

He is family to now–a part of our tribe

So, it helps that we actually do dig his vibe

So far we have come from days far away

From time when in the streets our littles would play

From believing in Santa and the elf on that shelf

To getting so old that they ask after our health.

Life moves so quickly and brings us such cheer

That we must give it back when holidays near.

I set an alarm on my phone to remind me to reach out to one of my sons in Japan. I wanted to make sure I wished him a happy xmas eve. Christmas is different there than here. Christmas in Japan is a couples only affair. In fact, they even have a term for those who are single: Kuribocchi.

People spending Christmas alone are referred to as “kuribocchi,” a combination of “Kuri” for Christmas and “bocchi” for “hitori bocchi” (alone). Being a kuribocchi isn’t just about being single on Christmas; it’s about being single and sad about it. Picture going to a winter fireworks festival where everyone else has a partner, leaving you feeling lonely; that’s when you can label yourself a kuribocchi. ~Medium

So, imagine being a dad and your first born blood son is away in Japan for close to a year so far and discovers that the holiday is a couples affair. His step brother is there, but his step brother has a girlfriend locally, and that means he is handled. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re dad, you make sure the kid is okay and enduring this particular stretch of isolation. I went through the same thing myself a few years in Iowa spending Christmas alone in the dorms eating day-old McDonalds. After a while it became a tradition–though not a particularly healthy or good one.

I spent ten years in Iowa and a lot of that felt like I was isolated. I was one of a handful of black people and one of even fewer who lacked the means (and family) to escape for the holidays. That is what my boy is going through now and I feel for him. Still, I learned quite a bit about myself and my resolve. It is hard to be alone, but it is through being alone that you learn what you want and who you want to be with. You learn to value that time and space alone and also value the idea of sharing moments with a friend or loved one. Being alone is a chance to be silent and enjoy sinking into yourself. It doesn’t need to be depressing–it doesn’t need to reinforce the fact that you have no one to be with. These things come in time to those who are open to it. It will come to him as it came to me.

I found myself doomscrolling through youtube shorts much in the manner of a tiktok fan. It wasn’t my greatest moment. The clips, shortened and edited to maximize effectiveness, were of shows I knew of and either had or had not seen. A lot of Lois and Clark populated the feed, which led me further down the comic book rabbit hole. It made me realize how deep one can go into the watching and the fandom. There is over 10,000 hours of such content on Crunchyroll for one who decides to have the time.

I decide not to.

I decide to break away from that and realistically get my shit together. It isn’t going to be easy–especially in an environment that favors leisure and pastime over activity. However, I need to relearn how to measure and manage my time effectively. I need to get back into realizing that time is precious and I don’t have an unlimited amount of it. In fact, I’m starting to have less and less of it–both in the life and the day to day sense of things. So, I need to get better and making the time I do have impactful and taking something away from every day that I have. Easier said than done, as a matter of course, which is why and how I am in the situation I am in right now.

Right now I am planning to spend a few hours of actual leisure behavior. I am going to watch my Giants play, which means kicking my kid off the TV and off of his back and forth schedule of watch/play/watch–or at least relegating him to his room for such things. It makes me uncomfortable to have to do that, but comfort is exactly how I’ve ruined myself thus far. Time to get it right.

Turning the corner or turning the page or any type of revision/change to ones daily routine. I am ‘playtesting’ several changes and actions that I believe will help me develop a proper routine that will allow me to be a better me. I did some writing and planning. I walked. I hung out with the Lady Talis (all in reverse order). I did a good amount of work in these few hours. What I did not do is develop a solid to do list. That is core. I need to know everything I need to get done in order to be able to properly schedule all of that activity. So, tomorrow/today is about that listing. If I can get real about what is on my list, then I can work that list and I can get my life right and organized.

Some Thoughts:

1. Unfavorable Semicircle is one of the internet’s dark mysteries. The channel, it seems, uploaded at a rate that isn’t entirely possible. I have a deep suspicion that this was an AI test.

I need to make some real changes in my life. I need to be better, as a human, on a number of levels. It hit me hardest when a fellow author posted about his life change and life experiences. Let me start with a brief history: I was born in New York City. I was raised in that high-stress, fast-paced environment with the desire to be the best at whatever I decided to do. What I decided to do/be was a writer and an academic. My fellow author (occasional co-writer) chose the same path but came to it from a different starting location. Now he is in NYC and found himself at the crossroads of being an academic and an author.

Despite enjoying my academic work, the time came to stop half-assing two jobs and to whole-ass one of them; at my wife’s encouragement I began to freelance full time in the RPG and wargame industries, because, frankly, I love it, I’m good at it, and finding work as a writer doesn’t require going back to school to finish a PhD, as seriously pursuing academia would have. ~ Zimmerman

So that is the path he chose. Yet I still am attempting to do both and in doing so finding a way to balance that and building a life with the lady Talis. I am losing badly on every single front. I am even at the point of becoming a downright bad pop. So, It is time to reset. Time to start from zero and rebuild this man from the foundation on up. No, I’m not resetting the blog. That type of symbolism would reflect me forgetting who I was. I want to keep going forward–restart from who I am, how I spend my time, who I spend it with, etc.

There has to be major change. I need to go get that MFA and put myself in a space to go that ‘other direction’ from my guy and push myself to the limits of what I can do in both areas. I already gave up a lot to be a writer. I gave up coaching. I gave up music. I don’t intend to give anything else up. I just mean to do it all a hell of a lot better.

Yesterday felt short and my brain felt slow. I feel that’s been a thing lately–a steady decline from the standardized speed developed in my late teens. That, being a possible issue, has led to me feeling a bit (or more than a bit) worried about my ability to conjure fiction. I hesitate to say whether or not I will get back to that tomorrow. There is still a lot of messy thoughts banging around up there. A lot of misplaced anger at the election and kids and life also rattle me to the core. I have these issues and often people say it is cathartic to write about issues, but it isn’t happening for me.

I am also getting older. I cannot see as well–a sad yet defining truth of old(er) age. I have to zoom in to read some of the 9pt text that used to be all I ever worked in. It isn’t helping the brain stuff. It is helping the self-confidence even less. What is helping is the belief that I still have within me the power to change–however waning. It will require me to actually do things. I need to get off my butt and get focused and organized (my fatal flaw?) and get in motion and stay in motion both physically and mentally. I want this. I want to be better. I want to have as much control over my own destiny that I can muster.

Winning the lotto wouldn’t hurt though.

Some Thoughts:

1. The kid committed to University of Northern Colorado. It isn’t Boulder, but he’ll be at that stadium lining up against Prime’s squad in 26.

A requiem is often defined as a remembrance of an event or person or so on. I am reflecting on or offering remembrance of yet another failed fantasy season. This is two years in a row of abject failure. I definitely slipping in fantasy as I am slipping in so many other ways. Truly, the largest part of that is the inability to conjure in me any consistent discipline. I need to do better and do more in terms of really developing a life that is what my partner and I both want to be living and in that be more disciplined in devoting time and energy to what matters. It may mean ending fantasy as a practice, because I struggle with the idea of doing a thing and not doing it well. Yet this is the reality of my existence. By the time I started planning and studying for the season it was already too late. I drafted very poorly and –waivers being the most important part of the process–failed to properly research the waivers or devote sufficient time and or energy to that process through the blog.

This is a reflection of my life. This requiem extends to how I use my time and energy and the answer I find is badly.

I’m rolling the clock back to 2015. Post 1814 on Coaching and Life. I’m fairly certain I’ve revisited this very post in recent history, but it hits now more than it has in the past but for the fact that I spent the last day and a half with a college football coaching staff getting to know them and getting to understand what they can do to help my son advance in his football career. He is in the portal and deciding between two teams. We were with one of those programs these last two days and it was a reminder of how important coaching can be, and how much of a step forward a player can take if the effort is given.

Football coaches—coaches in general—rarely get the credit they deserve for the complex work they do. Now I’m not conflating this work with what Neil Degrasse Tyson and his ilk do, but all too often the thinking man’s side of athletics is overlooked. Consider this: as a football coach you have to be a strategist, a poker player, a master motivator, and leader, and what can be best described as a ‘personality wrangler’. This multitude of roles must be achieved expertly and simultaneously in order to be a success. ~1814

These guys have the goods. What I’m seeing is a Tier 1 staff at a program that is not tier 1. The group coached at BYU and turned that program around before the coach stepped away to do other things. He was the associate HC and brought a solid staff with him to his new location. They haven’t won yet but year three is always that breakout year. We are about to see it here.