Author: admin

I think…

I need to get back to writing better stuff. I keep saying it, but man I want to have a stronger voice. That doesn’t come back accident. It is a practice. Writing is a practice.

I think…

Politics are a very clear reflection of who can best manipulate the populace. I don’t believe people are inherently racist or evil. I think we all just want a leg up. We want that American Dream, or at least a shot at it. However, we are so often being told that other groups or other people who don’t look like us are getting better advantages and that makes us feel bad. I mean consider this: Ruby Bridges, the first black child to integrate schools did that in 1960. That’s, what 66 years ago that we had segregation? That means my mother was alive during segregation, a period in which one group clearly had a leg up. Since the Obama administration there has been this assumption that the roles are somehow reversed now. I find that disturbing. That is what politics can do.

I think…

My youngest is getting shafted in the press. We’re at the top, what 80 out of 150 FB players in the class of 2027? He hasn’t been mentioned in spite of offers from Hawaii, Tulane, Northern Arizona, Northern Iowa, and Idaho. He’s getting strong interest from Northwestern and Iowa State–both P4 schools. Yet he’s nowhere near the top of the list of players at his position? Yeah, It annoys.

I think…

A lot of things annoy me lately about the way life works out. Above all others is how some people can act like a complete idiot in public and there be no consequence for it. I find that disturbing.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Appeals court spares Trump from paying $83 million defamation award to E. Jean Carroll — for now” He’s claiming immunity among other things as he continues to defame. Honestly, I think he’s hoping she dies so the clock runs out. Who knows, but this entire situation is bonkers… and allegedly headed to the Supreme Court. The grift is real.

So, I have a lot to work on. It turns out that I’ve not really successfully prepared these kids for writing the long form essay. Maybe it isn’t me–maybe it is the short form short attention world in which they live, but asking someone to write a research essay should not return less than 1200 words. I mean, how much of that is even the research and the works cited material? I suppose I was particularly harsh in year-end grading. There was, for me, this disconnect between what I got and what I expected in a final research paper for a number of students. It varied from class to class, but to see barely over a thousand words is not a good look.

So, I am going to start over and try to find another way to cultivate this into a meaningful experience. What does that mean? More focus on process and more feedback on that as well. I think I have a good shell, but there is room to grow here. There are places where I can substitute different types of assignments in order to get them to engage in more meaningful ways with the content. I am, as always, a work in progress.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “3 scientists were charged in worm smuggling scheme. Lawyers say China helped get the case dismissed” This is a real thing?

I don’t know what I want to write beyond this upcoming Justice Engine and the blog I post daily. I used to have so many many many many ideas in my idea archive and now it feels like the archive burned down. I don’t have any real thoughts on what I want to do moving forward. I have this immense fantasy world and history that I was trying to build, but I shelved it. I had a number of Shadowrun novels I planned to write (one is mostly done) but the company owes me a ton of cash, so after I finish this next project, I’m out.

So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I mentioned several posts back that it might be the end of the writing. I might just need a larger break to recharge and rediscover a passion for stories. The archive is empty. It is time to refill that old thing.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Man charged in White House correspondents’ dinner attack pleads not guilty” My guy, we saw the tape. You’re not gonna pull a Shaggy on us. Wait.. Okay… Upon further inspection, maybe it wasn’t you. I mean it was you that ran through that checkpoint, but you plead “not guilty on Monday to charges that he attempted to kill President Donald Trump and fired a shotgun at a Secret Service officer who tried to stop the attack.” So, yeah. We might have screwed up the charges here at the governmental level. I am not surprised.
2. Haven’t done things I think I think for a while… maybe tomorrow.
3. Haven’t checked in on marble league either.
4. I did watch the end of Daredevil and it reintroduced one of my favorite couples–Jessica Jones and Luke Cage. I look forward to what comes from that.
5. I also heavily expect Spiderman to appear in the new Punisher One Shot that comes out on the 12th, with his new film coming out on the 31st and it featuring Punisher. So many questions on how they’re going to integrate the larger NYC Hero world…

Everyone says they have a crazy ex. I actually do. Crazy like announcing she is going to throw a fit in the middle of campus after a college graduation because she doesn’t feel the way she wants to be feeling, which is instantly my fault and responsibility. The best choice I made in my life was getting married again. That only happened because I made a very very smart choice to get divorced in the first place. Man, she was going to kill me–either directly or indirectly. The level of stress and loss of hope such a sad and empty person can produce is off the charts. What bothers me most is how much of that she transfers to our kids and how little they seem to be able to avoid it.

I cannot do anything about that, because I refuse to be the person who bad mouths her. With her latest eruption, she’s doing that for herself. In a public setting. With full assurance that everyone around her supports it because she is right and I am the evil of this world. Yet, I am not evil. Instead, I remain the person who treats my kids like men and tries my best to prepare them for a world where they will not be babied and will not be able to blame others for the things that go wrong in their lives. Blame doesn’t solve problems. It just makes you feel better about yourslef as not being the one responsible… especially when you are.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Cameras Caught Caitlin Clark’s Savage Message to Wings Player Trying to Defend Her” For perspective, Clark lost that game and shot 7-18 with 5 turnovers. She’s still considered an early favorite for MVP… What are we even doing? I get wanting “our chosen one” to win, but lets not bury the fact that she is playing out of position and is most likely better off as an off-ball shooter with a slasher PG running the flow.

One of the peculiarities of this reality is the automatic renewal subscription. Every few months a subscription drops and I don’t quite know what it is. At other times I will see subscriptions renew, know what they are, and struggle to get rid of them. Mostly it is newspapers. They are extremely hesitant to let people go. I have Rocket Money. I need to go through that thing and figure out what’s coming out. Financial freedom is a function of patience. Or maybe its the other way around. Regardless, I want to jump right into…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “WHO head seeks to reassure Tenerife residents ahead of arrival of hantavirus cruise ship” Wait… I saw this movie. Did not end well for humanity.
2. Going to put this laptop away for the rest of the day. First time in a while I’ll roam around computer free for a significant period of time. This is what a true break feels like. Hopeful that it will reset me mentally at least partially.
3. Back on Starfield. The new mods and creations offer a deeper level of gameplay, but let’s be honest. I’m here to build cool ships, fly around the galaxy, and shoot stuff.
4. I really hate the tendency to double cap. By that I mean when my left hand leaves the shift button depressed a microsecond longer than needed so that words end up looking like THis. That is crippling depression.
5. That new UFO report is getting more coverage. Still, it’s being made about Trump because everything is… Should aliens actually be among us, they might believe we’re ripe for the picking…

Today I spent time with my boys for what is perhaps the next to last time I get to spend time with them for a very long time. I am in a state of mind of trying to transition into the next phase of my life while watching each of these boys do the same in their own way. Two are about to be graduate students. One is on to his 3rd college football team, another is readying for college and just had his first breakup. Another is in his first (and probably only, because its a good one) long term salary job. All of these are moments of growth and I am trying to grow along with them. Perhaps that is part of the letting go of the type of writing aI have been doing and taking chances to grow into something more.

So seeing them gathered around the table playing games is a great moment of reflection for me to see how far each has come.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “‘Somebody stole from me’: Mom mourns after 2 fatally shot in kids’ soccer dispute” We need to chill, people.
2. Also this: Scientists Continue to Trace the Origin of the Mysterious “Amaterasu” Cosmic Ray Particle.
3. Worth noting: The White House dropped a new UFO report and only Fox News covered it with any interest.
4. I am going to be known someday. I’ve always believed that.

Recently I wrote at length about the concept of garbage in, garbage out, and the flailing sense I’ve been having about the writing that I do. There are of course a number of factors tied to this. Take for example the fact that I had to buy my own damn first novel and I’m likely about to buy the second one without having actually been paid for writing it, in spite of it being published 6 months ago. The lack of payment hurts (and is more and more likely to lead to legal action). What bothers me more is that I can see that who I am around is not great.

There is a saying I love: Look at your inner circle. If you don’t find anyone who inspires you, then you need a new circle. I need a new circle of writers. The more people who enter the circle, the less inspired I am to continue. In truth, I am rarely inspired by the professional writers I am around. I can name one guy, and he’s already shifted his focus to a different imprint. He saw the real before I did and got himself moving. Now I need to get moving on solo projects and loading my mind up with deeper and more nuanced understanding, so that I can be the best remaining version of myself.

Yeah, I said it that way. I can never be the energized excited writer I was twenty five years ago. Somewhere along the way that guy withered and died. I think it was probably back before the blog when I was playing football at the semi-pro club level and lamenting the life taking shape around me. Those dark years messed me up in a way that feels, at this point, unrecoverable.

Doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything left. I need to find that bit that is left and feed it and bring it to life.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A note a former cellmate says he found after Epstein’s suspected suicide attempt is released” I hope we look back at this moment in time and really think about why the Epstein files became the biggest thing in the “white” world. This is an incredibly strange phenomenon. I get that this is a big deal, but I don’t really understand how it has been so politicized in various ways by the same political party. It makes the entire thing feel like bullcrap. Few actually care about the women who suffered. Most care about the fallout and who it brings down.

I’ve been struggling for weeks now. First it was this depression driven by what I perceive as bad parenting dating back well over a decade. Then it was this feeling of displacement in the home and amongst those relationships. This was followed by a deepening disappointment in the people and pets around me. I matched this with a level of dissatisfaction about my own writing that has not been this high in years. Then I got mad about not being paid (still mad). Then I let the politics impact me. Those were always there like a low background hum that steadily grew louder and louder.

Every morning it feels like there is a new distraction or a new dissatisfaction creeping through my mind. I feel as if I have so much I should be happy about in life, but when I look around, I see more of the other stuff and that is what I focus on. Things are not exactly looking up either. They look as they’ve always looked. I don’t expect people or conditions to change. I need to remind myself how to ride it out and be the best version of myself… Even on hump day.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Professor’s speech praising pro-Palestinian students sparks backlash at University of Michigan” The Bonkers part is that speaking up for the oppressed is sparking backlash. Couple that with the incredible lack of news about anything relating to Israel and that has to tell you something about how far we’ve fallen from the concept of justice for all. Tough time for a late-stage democracy.

We write because we love writing. Yet when that shifts–when profit factors into the equation–the writing may change with it. The business of writing is a different beast. I am presently owed $4000 by the company I generally write for. This is not including the two pieces I am writing now and have not completed. The problem here is I haven’t been compensated for past work, so the more I write, the more I continue forming a deficit. I am writing for money about stuff that I used to love but I am losing love because I am not getting the money. At this point it feels like more than disrespect. It feels neglectful.

These guys do not want to pay me for what they are profiting off of. While the sales of the novel released in December have slipped, it is still making money. So why aren’t I? I am going to stop taking contracts for a while. I’m finishing what I have, mostly with no expectation of getting paid without a fight. I’ll fight it, of course. I have to stand up for myself.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump’s drugmaker deals may save economy $529B over 10 years, White House says” The White House lies are getting more bold. This, from the team that also said that drug prices dropped 600%… Not believable. Yet somehow this will be blamed on someone else. Democrats, illegals, Biden.. probably all three.
2. The top 150 of 2027 reached #70 and still no sign of a TalisKid. See, that is what being a sleeper is all about. When CFBP teams are hard recruiting you but the locals have no idea you exist.

Why do people stick with teams? Why do we care at all? I like three teams and I’ve largely abandoned the worst of them. Well, worst, while being absolute, is a story of degrees. Over the last decade two of my three teams (Seahawks being #3, thanks to a son who is devoted) rank last in win percentage. In fact, their combined win percentage is less than that of the other NY team, and of course, the Chiefs. They are each worse off than the Browns who get a lot of press for sucking.

At least the Jets had 3 First round picks. They get 3 more next year and have the 6th highest available cap space this year… Guess who I’m playing in Madden 2027? The Giants had 2 first rounders and have about 15 million in cap space. That’s decent. I also think they are better positioned to win now than the Jets, but that doesn’t change the fact that this entire enterprise is a pipe dream. The chart above tells me that…

Then again, it is just numbers. Numbers have little to do with faith. That is what fandom is really all about.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Britney Spears pleads guilty to lesser ‘wet reckless’ charge in DUI case, avoids further jail time” This is less about the woman and more about the charge… Wet reckless? Sounds like her next album. According to the Crawford Law Firm, “A “wet reckless” is a negotiated plea bargain in which a driving under the influence (DUI) charge is reduced to reckless driving involving alcohol or drugs. It is not a standalone charge but a reduced-penalty alternative to a standard DUI, usually for first offenses with lower blood alcohol content (BAC) or weak evidence”
2. Quote of the Day: “My 5-year-old daughter asked me what the difference between baseball and football is. In her estimation it was: ‘Baseball is the one where they hit the ball with the bat and run around bases. And football is the one where you stare at the TV and yell, “F—!“‘” — A Jets fan.
3. Realization of the Day: I don’t have time to be a writer and a teacher and a student. Not if I want to have any time to devote to me. In little over a half hour my day is over. Noon I’m talking. Noon. For all intents and purposes I get to working by 8:30. That is less than four hours to get everything I need to get done in my life done. It is not a schedule I can work with and expect to be effective. I might actually be done this time, because everything that takes place after noon is more important to me and trying to cram it all in is making me stressed beyond human imagination.
4. I’m going to blog tomorrow about how I organize that small sliver of time that is supposed to represent all of the work I do in one day. I will say this: I’ve got to get a lot better about it, because today I spent an hour of it watching Darth Maul. I did so because I was burnt out and needed a break. I can no longer afford to take breaks during my work time. It is shrinking thanks to the lack of a work schedule. That time is being filled by more important things, like living life with the Lady Talis and our daily routines. When those routines expand, the work shrinks. This is especially true in weeks where I have the kid and need to drive him around the city.