Author: admin

I Think…

Walking is a really good start. I’ve logged 18 miles over the past two days. I keep getting more and more constitution buffs from the action, and that is the entire point. Heart health is the key to me living long enough to be very old. I want that. I want to experience that great grandkid life. I want to be here for it all and I want to be here for my wife.

I Think…

My step kids show me more attention than my birth kids. The birth ones do not seem remotely aware that I have a life and that life is good. They show no interest in what is going on with me. Perhaps it is their age but more likely it is their upbringing. Some mistakes were made on my part. Some mistakes by their birth mom as well. Overall, I want to have adult relationships with these men. Only two of three seem remotely interested in maintaining contact.

I Think…

I lost the little one entirely. He’s fallen into a period of his life where I am a low priority on his list. He loves me, of that I am certain. Yet he doesn’t really care about me or what I think. It has to be hard for him, being the youngest and being the one his brith mom is closest to. He has to get a lot of negativity about me from that quarter. I don’t think I’m a real part of his decision making process in terms of college or anything anymore. He only hits me up when he needs cash.

I Think…

I’m tired of not sleeping well. I don’t know what it is that triggers nights like this, but it screws me up mentally the entire next day. I wasn’t able to accomplish any sort of solid writing today. I wasted a day and I am running out of days to waste. I have two stories due next week and 3 more pieces that are long overdue. Not sure how to get myself out of this hole. Once I do, I am slowing down for a while. Gotta rediscover that voice and that love.

I Think…

Knicks are making basketball fun to watch again.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Wrestling matches provide an action-packed story time at US libraries, in photos” Lucha Libro? Well, if it works, it works.

This is a lost art. We have so many of those as we transition between generations. There are things my parents did and taught me that I felt were absolutely silly. Now my kids are having the same type of conversations. There is another type of conversation as well—the one where the simple stuff we did as kids becomes trendy; becomes tied to some sort of faith or fad or featured as part of a larger activity. Sitting with the silence is such a trend.

It used to be that being alone was just what happened. I didn’t grow up with all of the inputs that today’s youth are obsessed with. I didn’t have a cellphone. They largely did not exist, especially not at the level they exist now. These things we call everyday items were extremely rare and always purposed. So, instead of scrolling through the latest social media feed, I read books. When I didn’t do that I sat with the silence. I let my brain decompress and all of the ideas and energies of that day melded into something useful or they sloughed away. That practice is largely lost now. It is a practice as old as time and religion. It is the mainstay of some faiths. Buddhism does it, placing your focus on the breath. Christian faiths do it, holding moments of silence or vocalizing thought through quiet prayer.

Today we do in spaces. We meditate, be it through yoga or sauna, or even shower. We take less and less time to sit with the silence and when we do it tends to be an event of some sort. Yet it doesn’t need to be. It should be daily practice. It should be how we reset ourselves to the form and the function we hold dear. It should be the way we can look at ourselves and realize our inner potential.

Lately I’ve found more time to sit with the silence. It is easier where I am at then it is where I tend to stay. Perhaps it is easier because I am older, with more life behind me than in front, and I recognize the meaningfulness of that silence once again. Regardless of how I wound back towards this path, I am finding myself again. I am finding that spark of a man who once wanted to write stories the world would enjoy. I am finding that person who wanted to pour his love into a partner and make her life ambrosia. The path we are born to can be found through that silence. We just have to find our way back to it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “ Virginia man gets life in prison for double murder scheme in affair with Brazilian au pair“ Always with the babysitter.
2.  

Rain the horizon. Not today, but likely tomorrow. 80% chance by then, but the sleepys are here already. I didn’t even get up until sometime after nine. In true vacation form I didn’t do anything. I didn’t write until I started to blog a little bit ago, and it is nearly 4 pm. So, yeah. It’s a sleepy day and this, written between yawns, is a sleepy blog. Everyone deserves a day of not doing anything. I don’t have the juice to do much more than what I am doing right now. In general lately I shut down after 4 pm. I might slide through some grading or other non-creative endeavors, but do not ask me to write in the evenings. I’ve conditioned myself out of it if for no other reason than to spend more time with the Lady Talis. It’s the best part of my day.

Tomorrow it is coffee in the morning and we leave the house to do that. It means I have to get up and get moving, which is the opposite of how it is going today. I am not at all mad about the way the day has gone though. I expected to fall into a writing routine, but instead fell into the nap trap. I did get one of 4 drafts done yesterday, so there’s that. Time is running out and I keep running at the same old pace.

So be it. This is summer, after all.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Man Builds Autonomous AI-Powered Water Gun Turret to Keep Pigeons Away” Maybe less bonkers than absolutely bad ass. This is my AI hero of the week.
2. Oooh… AI hero of the week sounds like a new column. Let me give it some thought.
3. Beckham is back with the Giants but lacks a number and might not even make the team. He is a longshot right now. I hope he does make it, because when healthy and at the top of his game he is electric. I see him being useful in the slot this season as a possession guy. Still, as I said, he doesn’t even have a number. He’s wearing Carter’s #3 right now with Jalin Hyatt still rocking #13.

I heard that someone used ChatGPT to predict Iowa’s 2026 football season. So, I used that same method to determine how they would fair against UNI, and specifically how my kid would do. It fed me the following Stat line: 5 total tackles, 4 solo, 1 pass breakup, 0 interceptions, 0.5 tackle for loss. It considered this to be the median result. It stacks up to how he played against Colorado State last year when that team decided early on that they did not want to throw his way. Statistically, he found himself near the bottom of the FCS as a defender according to PFF. This, in spite of giving up 1 passing touchdown and less than 200 receiving yards on the season. So the question is: WHY?

He gave up short slants. It wasn’t for a lot of yards, and no RAC save for 1 reception, but it is what it is, and it is how they grade. So, what does that mean for this season? Not sure yet. He’s 19 now and far more physical and healthy. He’s ready for a big season. Let’s see what happens.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Videos showing groups of people entering NYC sewers at night baffle residents and investigators“
2. Do you realize how many times a week I misspell absolutely? Sometimes I butcher it so thoroughly that spellcheck asks if I am making a new word and want to add it to the dictionary.
3. And now, this: “Rare albino buffalo named after Donald Trump for its golden locks draws crowds at Bangladesh zoo” Spitting image. No photoshop.
4. 
   

Sounds odd, doesn’t it. Yep. I spent the day in a spa and then walking around with the Lady Talis. This is that taste of the good life that I’ve longed for. It makes me realize how great vacationing can be, but it also tells me what I want life to look like moving forward. I like teaching. I can work that in. I don’t like where I live. I mean to change that. It will take some doing. We are working towards a solution, and will put it in play as soon as our last graduates and we get that full freedom to move on.

I’m really looking forward to the chance to plant roots in a place I feel good in. Sure, where we are does have its moments. In a perfect world we would be part timers and move like birds across the seasons. I don’t know that we live in a perfect world–not so long as we need to work. In the meanwhile we still have our summers. This one in particular has been fantastic.

The blood pressure is lowering. The cardio is going up. The stress is coming off. I don’t have access to a scale, so I don’t know about the weight. I’m still fat, but I am feeling better in my own skin. Just gotta keep going.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Meteor as heavy as an elephant causes widespread speculation across New England” Imagine what a BIG one can do.
2. Not talking about politics doesn’t mean they aren’t happening (and sucking, of course). It does mean I won’t let it dominate my mindspace or wordspace.

As I write this the Rams are finalizing a trade for Miles Garret. That means, in no uncertain terms, the Giants have zero shot this year. They play the Rams, which we can add to the loss column, but they also play the Browns who did get Jared Verse out of the deal, and he’s a solid defender. So maybe they win that one, maybe the lose it still. The point is, there is a stacking of talent underway in the NFC West, and 3 of those teams could possibly make the playoffs. Rams, Seahawks, and Niners. If that happens it means there is one available wildcard and the Giants will need to overcome a loaded NFC North as well to make it. That or win the division, which is unlikely at this juncture. Better luck next year?

Each year I role out hope for the G-men, and each year they find a way to disappoint me more than I expected. I should give up, but I am a loyalist for some unknown reason. I keep going. They way I’ve kept going with the RPG writing in spite of not getting my long overdue paychecks for up to a year now. Well, at least I used to keep going. I am done with that gig once these projects are finished. I’m going to be the bigger person and not leave work undone.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Patients find help with therapy donkeys at psychiatric hospital near Paris” They do what now?
2. That was a wild segue into not writing RPG stuff, wasn’t it?

We are drifting into afternoon and I am feeling quite reflective about life right now. I had a rough evening and my mind and heart are fluttering terribly. I don’t understand it, because life is good. I’m in a really good space in my relationship and there are no real problems in my life… Which is why this small stuff feels so big. So, what are the issues? Well, my youngest is moving through the college recruiting process without me. I mean, sure, he reaches out if he needs money or someone to take him somewhere, but when it comes to the official (read: free) visits he doesn’t even tell me about them unless I ask. That’s what has me in such a funk about how I raised him. He went on an official visit to Oregon State this weekend and after I texted him what his plans were for the weekend on Friday he told me he was heading to the airport… That is not good communication or a good parent-child relationship. I get he is staying with his mom this summer, but why does that delete me from any sense of understanding about what is happening in his life? That led me down a dark hole to a realization that the only school that has talked to me in any form is the only one I spent a thousand dollars to bring him to visit.

The rest don’t even know that he has a father.

There’s the part that gets me down. They don’t know I exist, which means I don’t in any meaningful way for them and conversely, him. How should a parent react to that state of things? I don’t know. I’m still feeling out the edges of how I feel about it and why.

The rest of the downers have to do with writing. It is the longest running thing of importance in my life. I’ve been a writer since I could lift a pencil. I feel more and more that the life of writing is slipping from my grasp as I find myself writing stuff that isn’t vibing with what is left of my creativity. I’m eating out of the bottom of the carton here. Don’t know what to do about that dwindling creativity and how it does not gel with the stuff I am working on. I’m struggling to find character voices and motives in all of these 5 projects I’m engaged in. Being engaged in 5 projects (3 of which are for the same topical project) is a part of the problem to be sure. I hate feeling like I need to get through the work vs. enjoying and falling into the process of the work. I need to be able to get back to that place if I am going to write anything genuine and interesting.

I just don’t know if I can find my way back.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A rematch of 1999: It’s Spurs vs. Knicks for NBA title, after teams met in NBA Cup final as well” 27 years later we get the rematch. I am so happy for all the players who have stuck around to see this moment in time. Last matchup was about another generational Spur doing his thing… Yeah, script is looking kinda tough. I still have hope.
2. Laying off the politics as much as possible because they bring me nothing but pain. I’ll leave that mix of pain and snark to Last Week Tonight.

I think…

I am tired and tired of being behind on all my work. It creates a basic level of stress that is way too high and drains my mental energy quickly. The Lady Talis thinks I’m sad (or angry) and I am really just wiped. I need to get back to a place where I write stories I care about, and if I don’t care about stories anymore then I ought not write.

I think…

I cannot wait for football season to kick back into gear. I want to see my kids shine. Specifically, I want to see the college player shine. He’s in an even better position than he was last year to succeed and at 19 years old, he’s getting to a physical place he can really thrive at. A junior at 19 is a bit crazy, but perhaps he’ll get two more years… The rising high school senior is taking official visits right now, and that is a trip. It dims that senior spotlight a little in terms of excitement, because by the time he hits the field we will already have his verbal commitment to a school.

I think…

That speaking of the rising senior, he just got some national recognition as an official 3 star athlete and ranked #59 nationally at the ATH position. Still cannot crack the top 100 best AZ 2027 players, according to one specific journalist who has no idea he exists… You’ll find out, Obert.

I think…

I got hustled at the grocery store. It was only four bucks, but it still stung. See, the 24 pack of water was 3.99. I paid 8.27. They claimed tax on the individual bottles (my best guess) plus some other odd taxes. I was too tired to care and paid it like a fool, but next time I’m gonna stand my ground on that nonsense. multiple bottle purchases of this sort are not subject to that tax.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump to headline ‘Great American State Fair’ for nation’s 250th anniversary after artists drop out” This is hilarious.

Right now my son is on his first official visit to a college team. He’s in Corvalis to see the Beavers, a dark horse candidate in the win my kid for college competition. His brother is with him, which is a good thing. His brother is a two time portal entrant who has a deeper understanding of how college programs work and what will and will not be good for his little brother. All of this is good news and good for the boy. What vexes me is that his birth mom is there too.

I’m doing that thing where i drag laundry out into the street. I’m doing it not only to air grievances, but to impart a lesson. Here it is: Kids are easily manipulated. They are especially emotionally manipulated by parents. There is a loyalty there they haven’t necessarily consciously chosen, yet is socially reinforced–especially in certain sects. Football (sports in particular) is a mom-loving sect. So when you are coding yourself to be like those guys you’re also coding yourslef to follow along with that script.

A few years back a good friend on my son got picked up by a lot of media networks for winning flag football player of the year. Kid is sold and probably should be on the olympic team this year, but that isn’t where the shade comes in. During this blitz he shot a promo where it was all about him mom and how she stood by him and fought for him through all his trials and troubles. This is true. Also true is the fact that his dad (who is not married to his mom) was there right next to her. They remain friends and pop is equally supportive. The promo did not mention that a dad even existed. That wasn’t the story.

I am no longer married to my youngest’s mother. Yet, unlike the aforementioned situation, I have been the primary sports guy. I’ve been the coach. I’ve been the trainer. I’ve been the financial provider. I’ve been the one paying for the non-official visits, the camps, etc. I’ve been the push. She’s getting the glory. She’s on the “look what I made” hype tour. She’s the one having the negotiations to help him decide his future. I’m not sure she even knows what she is doing.

Yet here we are.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “The vibes in Canada feel much different than the US as the World Cup arrives” What’s wild is how true that is. We got the World Cup–the biggest world event–and we are not handling it right. When I was in Italy during the last world cup people were filling the streets in excitement over the games. I’ve never seen that for the olympics. The USA doesn’t care about soccer nearly as much. It’s just another chance to make money to us… but it isn’t because politics have devastated our international relationships.

Somewhere in NYC the Knicks players are resting up as the two remaining teams slam into each other ferociously. There will be a game 7 in two days, which means two days more of rest… and two days more to go cold, but I am hoping coach knows how to fix that. Whoever they play is going to hit the floor tired and hot–just like the Cavs. I don’t expect the Thunder or the Spurs to give up though. I’m looking forward to this series. I do believe my Knicks finally have a chance. I mean it has been 27 years since we’ve been here. They lost that one. I remember it well. It was, coincidentally, the Spurs.

5 Games. Knicks won 1. They lost the final game by 1. I was a college student in Iowa in the summer. I’d watch the game wherever I could. I remember walking up to McDonalds to get Cyclone fries and watching the game after. I didn’t finish the fries. I was too pissed. No, not pissed. Sad. Lauren Hill did a rap song about how the Knicks suck in the post season. It was a reference to all the years before the 99 debacle–specifically 94 when they sold to the Rockets in Game 7.

Game 7 is coming up for the Spurs and the Thunder. I hope they wear each other down and the Knicks can finally rise.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Watch: Divers find trapped villagers alive in flooded Laos cave” Good news! I love it when that happens.
2. Also this: “Scott Bessent says steps have been taken to put Trump on a $250 bill”
3. Not the best day. Not the best me today.