Author: admin

I’m turning back to 4.451, which happened four years ago in September of 2020. There is a strange bit of kismet in this particular post. Here is a quote:

I’m not in the mindset of knowing what I want beyond the clearest and most simple of moments. I want to curl up with my partner. I want to watch the Chiefs v. Ravens. I want to get the things done I need to get done. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t have a clue what to eat, so as a result I don’t want to eat. I’m not playing video games because I feel like that is time I should be doing other stuff.

The Chiefs and Ravens face off again this week. I have gone from not playing games to spending a weekend doing nothing but playing games. I personally shifted away from the action and active goals of the past few months towards a standard position of sloth–perhaps inspired by the lack of energy around me. I have to say that the Lady Talis has been a candle in this fresh darkness. She is all about action and projects and finding ways to do things that are not leisure. For whatever reason, by engine isn’t turning over like that. Instead I am up at 4:51 AM, restless and trying to understand what to do in order to get myself going and make sure success is the foremost in my actions.

Some weeks you come into it feeling like the world is going to open doors for you. Others you feel like the world wants to catch you in an alley and rough you up. 

I don’t know which one is happening this week. I know that this Turnback Tuesday is my start of a terribly short week in which I am dealing with a family birthday, a football game, a college kid’s wish to make it on a plane for traveling to his first away college game. I’m feeling physically down–fatter than I have in weeks. I am feeling mentally lost and either unable or unwilling to find my way out of it. I cannot say what it is that has me so jacked and off, but I need to find personal solutions. It isn’t the world closing the doors for me so much as me walking into the back of them.

I’ve been blessed with opportunities. I need to take control of them.

So, Nanwrimo has officially crapped the bed and tapped into everything that is wrong with where we seem to be headed as a society. They produced a statement on AI that argues that it is ableist and classist not to support AI in writing. “Not all brains have [sic] same abilities and not all writers function at the same level of education or proficiency in the language in which they are writing,” the organizers write in the “Ableism” section. “Some brains and ability levels require outside help or accommodations to achieve certain goals.” While I understand the concept of nuance in argument, I believe such a blanket statement does damage to the very idea of writing as a profession and especially as an art. Daniel Jose Older had a more direct argument:

Hello @NaNoWriMo this is me DJO officially stepping down from your Writers Board and urging every writer I know to do the same. Never use my name in your promo again in fact never say my name at all and never email me again. Thanks!

This response sums up quite a bit of the responses from published authors. While I understand the use of AI as a tool in writing–especially in terms of easy access to research, no one is fooled by what writers (or supposed writers) are asking for when they ask to use AI. Well, almost no one. I asked chatGPT to weigh in on the argument. It told me this:

NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) has a policy on AI use that emphasizes the importance of human creativity and effort in the writing process. The organization encourages participants to focus on producing original work through their own creativity rather than relying on AI-generated content. They state that while AI tools can be used for inspiration or as a starting point, the bulk of the writing should come from the author themselves.

The policy likely reflects concerns about the integrity of the challenge, which is designed to push writers to develop their own skills and ideas by writing 50,000 words in a month. Using AI to generate large portions of a manuscript would defeat the purpose of this personal and creative challenge.

In response to such a policy, one might argue that while AI can be a useful tool for brainstorming or overcoming writer’s block, it’s important to maintain the spirit of the challenge by ensuring that the final product is genuinely the author’s work. Balancing the use of AI with the creative effort expected in NaNoWriMo is crucial to preserving the integrity of the event.

However, the statements on AI I’ve read from nano argue that this is not the case and in some areas encourage AI use. They write, ““’Winning’ is a personal achievement and has always been based on the honor system! If using AI will assist your creative process, you are welcome to use it,” adding, “Using ChatGPT to write your entire novel would defeat the purpose of the challenge, though.”

Herein lies the problem with adding the term ableism to your argument. To quote the aforementioned chatbot, “Ableism is discrimination, prejudice, or social prejudice against people with disabilities or those who are perceived to have disabilities. It manifests in various forms, including negative stereotypes, biased attitudes, and systemic barriers that disadvantage individuals with disabilities. Ableism can occur at both individual and institutional levels, leading to exclusion, marginalization, and the unequal treatment of people with disabilities.”

Is an inability to conjure amazing works of fiction now a disability? Perhaps we need to stop treating those with ability as somehow being part of a class of people who have prejudice and start treating those with talent as people we can look to as Icons. I’m not mad at Stephen King because he is an amazing storyteller. I don’t find myself marginalized because I haven’t published as many books as him or thousands of other authors or even that my abilities are not at that level. The unequal treatment I receive is justified, because his stuff is better. The exclusion–the no’s I’ve received from his publisher specifically is justified because his stuff is better. That is okay. That is not ableist. There are some arenas in which better is simply better. We don’t water down our sports competitions because some players are better than others. It is extremely rare to see rules created to make it so other players are on par with the stars.

I’d love to rant more, but ten is ten, and I’m done here.

Now that I’m done uselessly defending Coach Prime’s honor for the week, I can move on to more interesting banter. The idea of what is interesting shifts from person to person. I have two grown sons who live with us and are totally into Basketball and Apex. I enjoy playing Apex, but I’m not watching the ALGS and cheering along. I’m also not following basketball in the off season (or largely the regular season either). I’m a football guy. It is football season. I’m the dad who is helping his kid log stats for college scouts and scouting with him so he has the edge on the competition for the next week. All of this brings me joy, but all of this largely disconnects me from a family that does not care. We appear to exist in these silos and the loudest is the one that gets the most attention and creates the vibe.

I think most households are like that. I think where we excel is finding that shared space where everyone may enjoy an activity. We do that through playing games. In truth, games and the culture surrounding those games (be it board, word, sports, video, etc) is the dominant culture of the household. We may fail to recognize it at times as we swing towards the loud nature of football (friday through sunday!) but a game is a game is a game, and leisure is surely what powers this home reality. Of course, said that way, it is in fact leisure that is the core culture of the house. Unfortunately, for someone who needs to be ‘locked in’ at times, that culture can be destructive.

As with everything in human reality, the key is balance. Still finding mine here.

I have no idea why people look at NDSU’s close loss to Colorado and say Colo got embarrassed. It probably has something to do with them being an FCS team and people who are not students of the game (or parents of FCS players) understanding that FCS teams are actually good and the really good ones are better than the majority of FBS teams. Montana State–a team that didn’t make the FCS tourney last season, beat FBS New Mexico last week. Sacramento State beat Stanford last year–one of 4 FCS over FBS wins in that season. There were 8 such wins in 22. In fact, Jacksonville State beat perennial powerhouse FSU in 21–The same year Montana knocked off a 20th ranked Washington. The list goes on. That these wins happen is not surprising, that Prime wins and is still crapped on, is not surprising. I suppose the only surprise is that I’m here playing defense.

I suppose next week means more. A rising Nebraska team is a better optics moment.

Harrison drove slowly down the US60 highway. He paid little mind to the cars honking and whizzing around him at this early hour. It wasn’t quite 6AM. The sun barely touched the edge of the horizon, yet somehow his driving the posted speed limit of 65 mile per hour was, to everyone he shared the road with, some manner of sin. A blue Altima slid up alongside him, the driver pausing to stare at him in curiosity before flooring the accelerator and disappearing off ahead. It was like this every morning, and every morning he would hear about a major accident, often a fatality. He asked himself why people put themselves at risk in this way. It wasn’t like they wanted to be at work. Harrison Lee did not know a single person who wanted to be at work.

He wanted to be at work. He enjoyed the process of getting there, in spite of those who attempted to sully that process. He enjoyed making it in to the office at precisely 7:09 and setting up the machine for his first cup of coffee. He relished at settling behind his desk, pausing to take a deep breath, and then writing out the list of activities he would see to accomplish that day. His co-workers found his habit positively frustrating. “You don’t even start till 8. Why get here so early?”

Harrison would laugh and say, “I’m not much for rushing around. I take the time to enjoy where I am going and where I am at.”

That was often enough to end the conversation.

I spent the week waiting to see my kid finally suit up as a college player. I expected it to be a moment where everyone in the family was excited about it and proud. Not actually what went down. I think it simply reaffirms my understanding of how people react to ambition. For some of us it make us feel part of others success. Some of us see that success as separate from us and, often, foreign in a way that reinforces their downplaying of success. In other words, people will always find something wrong with your success, so you need to decide what kind of people you allow to impact your belief in yourself and in those you believe in.

I watched that translate to the Deion show last night. immediately after the game the haters came out hard about how they suck and winning against a nobody FCS team like the Bison by such a small margin was basically them proving they suck. There is nuance that haters are never willing to accept. People like that–haters–are basically only fulfilled by being negative about everything but the small margin of things that make them happy. Generating negativity itself is what sustains them, while it drowns and disturbs everyone else. Don’t let it rent space in your head.

Really looking forward to this week. I’m excited about the boys taking their next steps as athletes. Drake University’s Freshman Cornerback #31 is ready to take the field. He is at least hopeful to take the field for this first game tomorrow. His little brother has Varsity #16, which is an amazing accomplishment for the 15 year old sophomore. He is following in his brother’s footsteps as a second year starter. While the college kid is playing a DII opponent, the High Schooler is playing a 5A opponent, which is one level lower in terms of school size. Both games are winnable. Both games I feel should be won. We will see what actually transpires. I’m really geeked about the growth both kids have shown and the opportunity both have to be up there at the next level in their development. I am especially hopeful to see the freshman play.

He may not play. He’s been relegated to the scout team as a size/strength issue. He is still performing very well out there in that role and growing his talent. Still he is 17 years old. He needs to put on some size and reach his maturity. There is a lot more he can do/become and to be getting reps at this age at this level of competition (with the Pioneer League Defending division champs) means he has something. Just the other day his coach called him out as being a playmaker on the team podcast. He’s growing and he’s showing. He’ll be playing soon enough.

I have been incredibly introspective over the last few days, but honestly I cannot argue about what. All I know is that I am deep in thought and certain that things are not right without knowing quite how. I am terribly unsettled and feeling as though this fleeting connection I have with my own spirit and spirituality (being the thing that keeps me going and makes me me) is slipping. It is being covered up by an existence that is not at all conducive to a healthy mental state. In other words, I’m not doing very well and have little if nay understanding of how to course correct.

So, as usual, I turn to blogging. Being public about such things is obviously dangerous. Someone will read this (perhaps) and one person or another will weaponize this level of honest introspection to make me look this way or that. I suppose by posting I am saying I am okay with that–okay with people taking their shots. I don’t have the thick skin I once proclaimed, so those shots will also hurt and add to the thick sauce of uncertainty, but I am less worried about that than I am about the inability to course correct.

There is something not right in my life. Several things, actually. It is a daily feeling that I cannot shake or correct. It is beginning to erode the things that are. I’m certain it has to do with my daily routines and those of the people around me and the feelings arising from that. I, like my favorite commercials state, wanna get away. However, running is not the answer. Finding a center in self is. Easier said than done.

It is difficult to explain the monotony of my household. I’ve tried here on this blog on multiple occasions and have failed to truly express the impact it has on my soul time and again. I also believe I have failed to convey this effectively to the person most important to my life. I know this because, in the end, nothing I need to change ever does. So, instead of beating that dead argument to death, I thought I would think and reflect on what it does to me instead, and through that try and realize my own flaws and shortcomings in an attempt to practice the lessons I preached for years in a town near the middle of Iowa. Accept the things I cannot change. Have the courage to change what I can.

So, what is that really? For starters I tend to exist outside of the family structure. I know that I get worn down by the routine. I know the “leisure only” schedule and the manufactured discontent accompanying it is not healthy for me to be around. I sink into what is around me. I see these habits and behaviors and I feel less inclined to work hard. It was a problem as an athlete and is a problem in life: I sink to the level and attitude of who is around me. It is part of what makes me a poor leader. So, I choose avoidance tactics when I need to lock in. I create a bubble and I fill the air of that bubble with determination and purpose driven mana.

I cannot live in that bubble. I need to move through the spaces of the home in order to exist. So, the key then becomes to design a schedule where I can lock in and then leisure. I need to recognize when I can and cannot engage and as a result be and remain focused on what truly counts: staying in the flow state.

Some Thoughts:

1. My Drake freshman son was relegated to the practice squad. More on that Wednesday.

I don’t have a whole lot. Just…

Some Thoughts:

1. Coach Prime never won a High School championship. This man with all his talents never won at the High School or college level. He did get it done as a pro. He did get that talent around him.
2. Speaking of Prime, there is a ton of anger surrounding the choice of the program to not take questions from Sean Keeler. Well, I am glad he did it. I am glad he stood on business. Keeler is in the business of writing negative opinions about the program and about Prime in particular. He’s done nothing but negative hit jobs–every single article has been that way. Why should they continue leaving the door open to that level of negativity? What is the value of allowing that? I know the real argument is banning in general, but you have to recognize situation and nuance. The responses to the ban are not showing nuance and are certainly not looking at Keeler’s body of work. They just see a reporter being banned and call it bad. Nuance matters.
3. I dislike being in a situation where I cannot rely on having the food I want for the week because the kids done ate it up…