Author: admin

It took days to get here but we arrived. Intact even. Once we were able to get to the airbnb, we crashed hard. We didn’t wake up until the following afternoon. I cannot tell you the last time before that I slept for 10 hours. It isn’t even a thing in my mind that happens. I needed it. My hands were swelling from salt intake and lack of medication. I ate nothing but airplane crap for a day. It might have nearly killed me. At one point I took a bp reading (post shower) before bed and it hit 158/98. Danger territory to be sure. I checked a moment later and it was 138. I haven’t checked since. I am hoping it was a blip and nothing that caused real damage. On the other hand, I have noticed my nerve issues have been a lot worse today after that hell day.

So, British Airways tried to murder me and did not care. We’ve established that. But what about Roma? It is fantastic. It is all that I expected it could be and everything I needed for a summer city. I love the space we have. I love the fact that the places we want to hang out are so close and transit is so close. Rome is bringing unparalleled happiness to this couple, and I aim to see it continue for a long time.

I’m still in London. It was meant to be a stopover on the trip to Rome—a quick hour and a half to get out of one plane and into another. Except the first plane didn’t let us out for an hour after landing, so we never made it to the second one. What has followed is a dystopic hellscape of a day. We’ve been on standby for every single flight to Rome, yet according to them, we’ve been taken off of standby by the time we reach the gate. There’s one more flight tonight and we supposedly have regular tickets. That will get us to Rome just before midnight. We landed in London at 9:20 AM. In short, we’ve been in transit for days now and with me lacking sleep, I’m about to crack and start yelling at people to fix this crap.

Only nobody cares. Not a single British Airways worker. We’re just caught in a machine that nobody maintains. While these people do their jobs they are forced to deal with us up till the point where they decide not to and legitimately tell us to go away. There is not anywhere to go that doesn’t cost us money. We are stuck in this hellscape, tired and pitted against the world. Romantic, isn’t it? I am sure we will reflect in that fashion at another time, but for now the anger is righteous and it is bright.

I don’t know what time it is where ever in the world you find yourself reading this, but consider this: An airline is only successful if it keeps customers. Maybe one day I will have the platform to convince people to speak their truths and their horrors dealing with BA specifically, and Heathrow in general. I’m looking forward to it.

Ten hours is a long time to spend on a plane. Not my longest, mind, you, but a serious chunk of time to move oneself across the planet to a destination that feels better. At least better at the time. We are enroute to Italy for a month of relaxation and exploration. I am personally excited by the opportunity to get away from the desert for that long, but we are in fact going into the Italian summer complete with all of the humidity you can ask for. Out of the frying pan and into the fire as they say.

One thing I am fairly pleased to get away from is football. Odd that. However, it is an important break if only because I’ve realized that the one thread keeping my mind somehow attached to the idea of coaching is the idea of proving myself to the ones who do not already support what I have done in the past. This happens at occasionally. I find a group of coaches, try to fit in, and don’t. This was the case for two such stops, so I suppose it happens less than half the time with football. I suppose I also intended to push myself to the next level at some point, but realize now that the time involved is not worth it.

Still—I want to call plays. I think the NCAA game (and a little research into developing a scheme that transcends the field to the console) will go a long way towards getting me right.

Rome will go a long ways towards getting me right on many levels, and I look forward to exploring each one.

Off to Rome in the morning. Ought to be the greatest trip ever. I am truly excited for this step. I am also excited as I watch the real estate market begin to offer up some real possibilities for the future. That future looks to be in the 300K range. I will certainly need to figure out how to get a loan for an out of state home while maintaining the income (read: job) that gives me that loan. It likely boils down to a conversation with a lender about remote work–something that is common in this day and age.

Moving to Washington hits like an adventure. I can see us getting started next year and really taking control of our lives from that point forward. We still have a home here, but with the kids also here and hopefully paying rent if they are, we can get started on that future.

Some Thoughts:

1. I may be getting way too caught up in the C. Clark WNBA drama. Remember when I did not care? The investment is two part–the first being a sociologists view of a polarizing moment, and the second is legitimately about trying not to take a side, which I have, unfortunately, done. So, I gotta step back and stop caring for real. I read more about that nonsense than I do about the upcoming election. Which one do you think impacts my actual world more?
2. Will a Trump win hurt me personally?. Maybe. I cannot be sure about that, but I am really concerned he will crap on democracy and wreck the country… again… He isn’t good in a crisis.
3. Because a crisis requires humility.

When I pulled up to the Sunday DBs practice my mid-kid jokingly refers to as ‘church’ I saw the coach checking his watch. He looked at it twice and looked at our car in wonder. We were 6 minutes late. This was easily avoidable, but the kid moves slow and shows no regard for other people’s time. This is a habit he is developing and one that is ultimately going to be ruinous if allowed to fester.

I think I like that word for the boy’s habits. They fester. None of them are particularly good. None of them–none of the new ones–cast him in a good light. I fear a lot of it comes from the media he consumes and models himself after. I fear I am not as much of a positive influence in his life as he needs in a world and life filled with negative influences. This is reflective of a failure on my part to be sure. 3rd time is the charm be damned.

I don’t have a lot more time to spend with him this summer before he gets back into school and moves into the hardest of the 4 years (from what his brothers who played say). I don’t think he is nearly ready and I wish I could help him get there faster. I can, on the other hand, be there to help him once he realizes how badly he is failing. Sometimes –heck always– you need to let the see failure in order to embrace the need and requirements of success.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watching Sugar. Not at all what I thought I was getting into.
2. Not watching The Acolyte. Considering taking it on the plane with me though. It feels like one of those series you want to consume all at once and that encourages me to wait. Also, I didn’t watch Andor, and that was entirely because I am not enthralled by the stories that universe is telling in a past that has already been defined for the main characters. The Mandolorian avoided that by keeping him out of the 9 movie series. Andor went hard in the other direction just like Solo did. The Acolyte gives itself room to breathe and create, so I have hopes that they will. Still… it is Disney.

Been having trouble keeping focused and keeping a solid schedule these first few weeks of pure summer. The heat is part of the issue–our AC is not working so well–but the main issue is a level of aimlessness I don’t often have. I don’t have solid deadlines and that is what I appear to need to be in jeopardy of missing in order to be successful. That argues that my motivations are more external than internal or at least argues that my internal compass is shot to hell. I believe the second part to be as true or more than the first, and I still remain convinced I can fix all or some of my flaws as I continue to inch towards oblivion.

To say I am uncomfortable is a misnomer. I am merely restless and insecure in the next steps. I need to ‘get right’ but am not entirely sure of what that even means or entails. Meanwhile I am trying to get this last kid ‘right’ having seen the wreckage of the others and I see that it isn’t working one bit. How can I ‘get them right’ when I am not totally right myself?

At least I am looking forward to what is to come. I have been struggling to develop healthy habits and struggling more to develop shared habits, but struggle is progress, is it not?

Some Thoughts:

1. Been particularly lazy with this latest novel. Hard to get started and get into the mindset of the story for whatever reason. That is a bad sign, because if the writer cannot get it going, can the reader? I ought to just write the fantasy stuff and get it over with…
2. By which I mean transition fully into fantasy and disappear into this created world a la George RR
3. No. I am not there yet either.

Recently I asked my students to freewrite for ten minutes (hey, they gotta do it too) on why they are thankful to be a writer. I didn’t go into it with expectations. I also didn’t expect to do it myself. But it is Friday, and on Friday we freewrite, so…

I am thankful for being a writer because it allows me to visit strange new worlds within my own mind. It allows me to meet and interact with people I otherwise would never know existed. It gives space and shape to the thoughts that fill my mind. It gives an outlet to the feelings that clutter my heart. It separates me from the darkness and the doldrums. I fear consumption. I fear it leaves you dead inside. It can be a wonderful thing if it is balanced by creation. Consumption is the yang and creation is the yin. In my mind and my heart they only work if they coexist, if you allow yourself to experience creation. If you allow yourself to remain a consumer alone your heart closes to the idea of creation and you become hardened against it; cold and cynical; an addict awaiting their next fix only to be disappointed when it doesn’t hit with the impact you long for and briefly pleased when it does.

Creation is understanding. It is a window into how things work and why people sometimes don’t work or work well together. It is allowing yourself to embrace what is possible and pushing yourself to create what you didn’t think was. Story is a connection to something greater. It may be done in isolation but it takes you out of isolation, which is really important for a person like me who is extremely isolated and surrounded by people who mostly are concerned with themselves and their expectations of me and what and who they want or need me to be either for them or around them or to them.

Writing is also longing. Writing is my way of deciding what I want –that thing just out of reach; that imagining of a life not lead. Writing is all of these things and it is more. I’m thankful for writing because of what it does and what it can do and how it makes me feel and how it blesses my life.

I am in the 238 range, which is a start. I’ve started to work a little bit on the body, and believe that with more work–actual work–the pounds will fly off. That’s the hardest part isn’t it? Getting over that hump can be so tough. I’ve been doing it over and over again with the writing but I cannot seem to transform my mind to do it with the body–I don’t make the connections the way that I should. Heck, I get the value of it. I know how much better I will be mentally when I am better physically. I need to turn that corner and get going. I can visualize myself once I am there, but I cannot seem to bridge that gap to the visual.

I’ll make it. I have to.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am blessed to be teaching the material I get to teach from semester to semester. I feel more like I am doing what I want to do in the classroom. There are some spots where I need to be improving to be sure, but overall, the work is solid. I have the classes. I just need to make them better.
2. How long am I here? I don’t know. I just want to sink in and enjoy the moment while I have it. Sure, building a future is key. I just believe in enjoying the present while we build into what is coming.
3. No, I don’t know what that is exactly, but I have some ideas and the outline of a foundation. We need to get the funds though… We know we want to have two or possibly 3 homes. This is a big tall order, but we want what we want. I want to work to get there.

I realized today that my kid doesn’t have what it takes to play at the next level.

This is not an adjudication on his physical talents. The tools are there. He is likely the most physically gifted of the three to play. He is not mentally able to or perhaps not willing to fulfill the requirements. He’s an average student academically, which makes him the worst of all five boys. This sharp contrast with his physical abilities makes the matter all the more disturbing. He, more than the others, has decided on this athletic path as his way up. Only he doesn’t do anything he needs to do in order to get there, and he treats the people around him trying to help him with a mixture of disdain and unapologetic expectation that is going to halt his progress here moving into his sophomore year where, I now expect, he will languish on the JV roster and lose all interest and confidence in the path he has chosen.

This is a really hard thing to say as a father, because it sounds like I don’t believe in him. More to the fact, I don’t believe he is doing anything to help himself out. I believe in him. If I didn’t this wouldn’t even be blog subject matter. I have to hold these two opposing ideas in my head at the same time: (1) He has the talent to succeed at the next level. (2) He has chosen to rely entirely on that talent and not put in the work off the field needed to succeed at the next level.

The problem is, again, what he does outside of practice. What that is, is nothing he specifically needs to do. He doesn’t stretch. He does try to get to the gym and lift more. He doesn’t study. He does watch film clips–mostly on insta and tik tok though. He is not there mentally.

I think he can turn it around. It is only going to happen when he digs deep enough to want it more than he wants anything else–anything immediate. He is not there yet.

I’m full. I ate far more than I should have in this one meal of the day. A also am back to eating once a day which is a really bad look. Here’s what else is a bad look: Me almost not doing this blog because I thought I did it in the morning and didn’t. That hadn’t happened in a while. What unfolded today was and is mostly about being stuck and not really allowing myself to dig deep and get right with the situation. I’m excited about upcoming travel. I’m focused on getting the school stuff handled. I am not progressing as quickly as I should on the other writing that I could. Those are my facts on the ground. I need to get better and get right.

Some Thoughts:

1. nothing to say here either… just running out the clock on a long day.