Uncategorized

Another day, another lack of access to my own website. At some point I will find the time and energy to deal with it, but in the meanwhile, I will continue the work here. The work is the important thing; not the website, not the hits or links or any of that stuff. This started as a way to keep me motivated and writing every single day. It was meant to ensure that, even through the toughest times (like now) I would put ten minutes of my day towards the one thing that defines who I am. The site is important in the sense that it keeps me honest. The idea that there is one reader out there expecting me to post on a daily basis forces me to maintain the posts. For that reason alone I am sad and sorry that the website is not able to be updated at this time.

Maybe it is a good thing. The blog has been really depressing the last few weeks. I find myself in a state of exhaustion that threatens to hinder my normally jovial mood. Worse still, the kids are a hot mess and that means they need more time and attention than I am capable of. Where does that leave me time? It doesn’t. My friend set herself up for a massage this weekend and I think I ought to add that to my Friday schedule as well.

I definitely could use it.

I am starting to sense that this website situation might be a real problem. For days now I have been able to view the site but unable to access it. I will admit that very little mental energy was directed towards this cause, but I do recognize the need (now) to consider it. I am still extremely tired and mentally depleted. I want to sit by the pool and think.I want to chill. I want to forget about work and about school and about dressing nice. I want to go to the movies and enjoy something senseless for hours. I want to be apart from myself and my responsibilities.

I want a massage.

I want to know that this feeling inside of me can be abated by rest and the thoughts of utter burn out will fly the way of birds in winter. I have so many wants and there is so much that needs to happen. I know that I am capable of very hard work when moved to do so, but I feel like that hard work should be rewarded by a sufficient vegetative time period–which has failed to occur in recent months. Parents don’t get an off day, because kids don’t have an off switch.

I’m writing another one of tose half-asleep posts. I’ve been drifitng in and out of consciousness with long stops in beween. I eill do better tomorrow.

After a downright lazy 10 minutes yesterday, my blog was extremely hesitant to let me log in. Hours passed and I still couldn’t have another go at it. I suppose it could have been a tech error, but as a man searching for motivation I am liable to believe the system wanted me out. I’m writing this now in Evernote with hopes of being able to one day log into the system. Today’s post is a bit of a machaca–everything thrown in. My mind is all over the place with taxes due, a minecraft obsession, birthdays, kids soccer seasons, school, writing, marriage, etc. So much is happening that very little actually gets accomplished. A new though in my cluttered brain is the idea that Sandy Hook was a hoax. I don’t believe this at all, but the idea that so many people with so much time to think have still managed to cry conspiracy has me a bit concerned. Here is what I’m going to do about it: I’m going to make it a theme next year and we’ll talk about conspiracy theories in parallel with cults.

There is always much fun to be had with teaching.

Some thoughts:

1. Today’s John Jay and Rich show had a bust that was more ‘Catch a Predator’ than it was bust a cheater. Crazy possible pedo bear situation there.

I am drained beyond reason right now. This is what you get for not sleeping and trying to game, work, and write in that space between unconsciouness.

 

Out of gas

I’ve been away from the waiver wire from some time, but I feel like there is enough going on in the world of sports that the waiver is worthwhile. For starters, the Knicks don’t suck. Pair that with Jay-Z’s possible departure from the Nets, Tebow’s probable departure from the Jets and the continued sucking of the Mets and I can do an entire blog on NYC teams. That isn’t this evening’s plan. Instead I want to talk about LA and the Lakers being interesting again, not because they’re winning, but because they’re not.

The Lakers are in a battle for relevance. The ‘Clip have taken over as the top LA ball team and the Lake show is trying to make it to the second act (playoffs). I’ve been watching the games and watching Kobe come to life. He’s had his spark moment and i is a joy to behold. Bryant is one of the best players of all time and an unquestionable technician on the court. Unfortunately it feels like he’s lost a lot of his game to injury and age. Not this last month. He’s been playing like a smarter, smaller Lebron.

I think there is something wrong with my son. He hasn’t told me anything or pointed towards any particular difficulty, but his attitude sucks. I think he is overtired and stressed out and looking to take it out on the people who love him. He does that because it is safe. He might get a spanking or whatever, but we will always love him no matter what he does or who he becomes. This is the interesting truth of parenting. Adam Lanza’s parents loved him. Dahmer’s parents loved him. I don’t think my kid is either of those people by a longshot. I think he is a little lost boy who is struggling alone with dyslexia, because nobody in his school appears to understand his needs.

My natural next step is to find a dyslexia specialist. Here in the state of Arizona we don’t recognize the ‘lex as a legitimate disability and thus will not put any resources towards it. So I need to find the resources and the time myself. So goes the sick, sad life of a writer…

My cat wants to type this post herself. She finds my hours on the computer amusing. I wish I could switch places with her for a day and wipe away much of the impatience driven stress in my life. We should all be cats for a day and then perhaps dogs in order to have a clearer sense of what loyalty means when all the politics plaguing the word are stripped away. The fact is April always seems to wedge me between want and need.

I want to be on vacation most of all. I want to spend my nights building in Minecraft and my days creating worlds in my imagination. Sadly, the thing most holding me back is the need to complete classes. I’m at the point where I want to hurry up and get done in order to move on, and I think I will be doing that very soon.

Some Thoughts:

1. The North Korean leader is acting a fool. Now this is a regular course of events, but in a really slow international news cycle and up against the unfortunate appetite of the American viewer, this thing is being drawn out and escalated. At some point the American people will get tired of the smack talk and request a brief yet motivated beat down of the regime. That might be the whole point of the coverage.

I said it yesterday, sometime before I bought that 4th xbox controller and just after I tasted the cloying sustenance of a new game. It stuck with me, this minecraft, and now I am fully hooked. The beauty of the game is the ability to create. You’re in this sprawling (yet blocky) world filled with mountains and forests and rivers and your one goal is to develop a safe space in which to thrive. That is the good stuff. I’ve been playing with my kids and over the course of the day we began to develop a safe haven carved out of a mountain. My goal is to keep it safe and build a home in there for all of us.

Minecraft is about creating, and as an author I am about creating as well. I don’t know that this is a valid justification for this latest addiction, but it has to be better than blasting my way through the Mass Effect Multiplayer levels. Here I have a chance to exercise and perhaps even explode my curiosity. After all, it was Dungeons and Dragons that first led me to write fantasy as Shadowrun tipped me into the realm of Sci fi.

I think I’ll continue playing the game and see where it takes me. In fact, I think I’ll play a bit right now.

I’ve been reading this book called Ex-Heroes by one of my new favorite writers, Peter Clines. In the story one of the most fearsome super heroes has no powers. What she does have is intelligence, beauty, and dedication to her cause. Now these are the sterling qualities that helped Batman be the top bad ass. Of course, he had unimaginable wealth to help his cause, which is something that Stealth didn’t have and it is something I clearly do not have. However, her secret is attainable. Her ‘power’ is the ability to limit distraction and focus on what counts. That is where I often falter. I have a problem. I am addicted to distractions and it is sapping my time and talent.

The overarching addiction is to distractions themselves. Lately I’ve been wallowing in the world of Online Pokemon in an effort to become a decent, if not moderately talented trainer. I’ve found a way to win perhaps 80% of my games with a couple of separate decks. It is an accomplishment I consider low risk and moderate reward. Moderate because the wins give me a brief mental bump but are ultimately meaningless.

I’ve gone through dozens of game addictions as a way to escape from an often cloying reality, but the thing is each moment away from reality is a moment I fall behind in the quest to be a world class author, parent, and athlete. The key is convincing my mind of the truth of this.