I had a really melodramatic post planned about how the beam–the eclipse–bisects my life, separating the man I was from the man I am and blah blah blah, but that isn’t true. It is definitely an example of where I am in life vs. where I want to be. I’m not anywhere along the path as I should be. I’m not celebrating the event with friends, because I don’t really have people in proximity who care about it as I do. I am not going to a public viewing because I don’t particularly care to be around people I don’t know. I am not going to a work viewing because that place doesn’t feel like home or like a safe space anymore.
I will say this: The big moments are when you pause to take stock of where you are at and consider how you feel about your place in the world. This morning I woke up to a large and empty house and recognized that I wanted neither. The space only matters when you have voices to fill it.
I’m glad the eclipse gives me a moment to take stock of the now and consider what I’m looking for the next time such an event comes around. Further it gets me thinking about what events do matter and readying myself to plan for them.
Some Thoughts:
- I am not centered. There really is no way to avoid it. I lack a center and as a result there is nothing that really grounds me. I tried to make it my partner, but that really isn’t fair to her for me to build everything around her when she too is in flux. I ought to build everything around writing, but something holds me back from that as well.
- So it begins. The semester starts the day of the eclipse. That has to mean something. Or not.
- Still waking up in pain every morning. The pain extends from my neck down my back. I’m going to try new pillows to see if that helps.