I started with the thoughts today because I was not capable of more. I’ve started to let go of this idea that I can still be the best version of myself, and a lot of what you see here is that battle erupting on the screen. I can best equate the feeling to seeing a fire smothered under a pile of wet leaves. You know the fire once existed, because smoke and heat billow from the wreckage. In truth the collision of impermanence, living in the moment, and the constant pull to look ahead has created its own sort of wreckage I am presently unable to untangle or move past.
My heart tells me to fight but I don’t know how.
Some Thoughts:
- I’m back on checklists.
- I’m back off of sleeping and generally creating a situation where I will live a long and healthy life. The two aren’t related on the surface, but I’m sure there is a connection if I dig deep enough. I wake up before 5 every morning–no matter when I put head to pillow. Often when I do head to sleep, the sleep that comes is not restful.
- Last night I thought of something I wanted to say through this blog but across the hours it slipped free of my mind. I’ve lost far more ideas than I’ve ever written down. Once I used to have an archive of such things.