Month: April 2019

Back in the 1980’s Jean Baudrillard wrote a philosophical treatise called Simulation and Simulacra. The document spoke on the idea that we no longer are existing in any semblance of a reality and have replaced all that is real with the symbols of real things. At the time I read the work I was drawn to the concept of cyberspace and the matrix. I was just getting started writing for shadowrun and the concept of a society that had all but abandoned reality for a false realm built from simulacra fascinated me. A few years after that discovery I started playing a game called EVE online. I played it only briefly but discovered in that short timeframe that I myself was sacrificing reality for the realm of 1’s and 0’s. It wasn’t too long after that happened that I started to suspect we ourselves were living in a simulation and that humanity itself was simulacra designed perhaps to mimic some long dead race or worse, just for giggles.

This feeling is buoyed by images like this:

and more impressive ones on the site  thispersondoesnotexist.com. 

I am left thinking that we are getting closer to mimicking life on a mainframe and eventually simulating it.

Some Thoughts:

1. I thought about writing an analysis on the growing argument of the school to prison pipeline, but I was not at all engaged by the argument. I think that is an issue for the argument. It is hard to get your point out there if that point sounds like something we already know and something we all feel powerless to impact.
2. This is different from Simulation Theory, because that argument suggests that we will one day be able to know and unravel the mystery of what we are.

I’ve been feeling renewed lately. I’ve been feeling as though the Giants have a real chance to be successful next year. I think this, because the draft offers a great deal of promise. We struck gold with Beckham, but he is not the only gold that was even available that draft. There were starters drafted as late as the 6th round, and I believe the same to be true of this draft. There is a lot of talent in this year’s draft class though little at the QB position. I think the Giants find a talented future starter in round 2. I also think they address a number of pressing needs in the first round–perhaps even by trading down from the 6th pick if that allots them multiple first rounders. In short, there is hope yet, so long as they do right by the draft selections.

Another major issue here is the WR corps as it stands. They have every intention of going with quick slot wr’s and using the TE as a stretch. This could be playing right into the plan of developing a QB using quick and effective throws as he comes into his own in the offensive system.

I also would add that the dude Manning is better in the second year of a system. That will matter in the long run.

I’m going to allow myself to believe.

I never finished my mock draft. I intended to but things got in the way–you know, life, anger, parenting, relationships. It is no wonder that I write, because I live. In this strange and brief life I have experienced so much that there is more that happens than there is time to write about. Still doesn’t stop me from trying.

I got to thinking recently that it is long past time for me to evolve my operations. I have something to offer the world as a writer. If this blog ever gets read by more than the 1 person I know to read it, let it be known that I finally recognize that in these pages are at least one or two moments of universal connection–where I am experiencing things in my life (and my words) that resonate on a larger scale. I am going through what many of us go through, and perhaps I can find the words to give voice to what a lot of us feel. It feels odd to say it because I’ve never actually processed that when we write we are giving voice to the voiceless. Perhaps I am doing that.

Perhaps I’m just very very vain.

I also got to thinking about relationships and about the idea of sacrifice and balance and how to be a good partner. I think that I’ve always been a control freak. In present tense I’ve been in control of the clock. By that I mean that I have controlled when things happen in my relationships. I am no longer so sure that is a good thing, because it inevitably hurts the people I care about the most, because they suffer as I wait to accomplish what I feel I need to accomplish. Most recently I’ve been thinking about this in terms of my kids and my hopes and goals and actions surrounding them. I realize that my life is largely driven by sports and more to the point the sports they play and that I coach. I am working towards finding a way to make all of that more balanced and even doing away with a degree of it. I need to continue talking this out with my partner, but it feels like my two oldest kids are at the point where school driven athletics is taking over and it is possible for me to move out of where I am at and to a place where they can get to those things and lead that life without me.

It also may be time to move on from kid 3’s athleticism and just let things be such that they develop if he finds the strength and strategy in himself to develop them. This means that I would not have him play sports after next fall. He’d only get to play sports again as part of a school program, and if I move at that time I would no longer be responsible for the back and forth of practice. All of that would fall on them to continue. My responsibility would be limited to showing up to games to offer moral support.

Maybe it is finally time to move on from being so involved.

It is rarely a good idea to write in anger but here we are. I have a lot to be angry about these days, but what is really getting under my skin is how spoiled and needy my kids are. I get that this is entirely my fault. I am openly trying to balance the lack of attention I perceive them getting from my co-parent with an abundance of such from my side of the aisle. Not only is this unsustainable (as it creates an expectation that is further exacerbated by there being three of them who are constantly vying and angling for more attention and time) it is unhealthy. No one will give them the time I give them. When my unavailability results in an open tantrum it creates a surge of anger in me that is only rivaled by my utter disappointment in them.

In short, I’ve created monsters.

Attention monsters, if you will. Ones that don’t know how to deal with the fact that someone isn’t focused on them when they want or expect to be focused on–especially if that someone is me. Now the cure to that situation is an arduous process that largely involves discipline and punishment. I am not the best at either, which is causing more than a few problems with the transition to normal human decency overall. There needs to be a book called ‘Unspoiling: How to make the bad apples good again’ or some such title. Perhaps through my understanding of this process I will write the book and in that give future parents a way out of this situation and a way to avoid ever getting into this situation in the first place.

It is too late for me to avoid getting into it, and getting out of it feels a lot like trying to dig my way out of quicksand with nothing to hold on to. Still, doing so is vital because it is going to make them better men in the long run. That starts right now with a long list of chores and responsibilities. Let them earn their chance to play. Let them earn the right to play. Maybe I’ll play with them once they have.

I’d intended to get back to my mock draft tonight but yet another unfortunate experience led me back here with coal eyes and the taste of blood on my tongue. I have for some time now noticed a growing separation between myself and the people of my workplace. This has escalated to the point where I am being openly ignored in public. I am being treated as though I am not there–even when speaking to these people publicly. My partner has experienced this and worse, and there is no doubt that the treatment is related to a number of factors that include our relationship. What I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the behavior and attitudes I am experiencing are juvenile. This is flat out high school behavior and would only be tolerated in academia. In my opinion, you simply could not get away with this anywhere else. Well, high school. You get away with it in high school. Of course, that is academia of a sort as well. Now that being said, I believe this behavior reflects extremely poorly on the people acting in this fashion. The more mature and insightful people on campus are just fine. What I find infinitely more interesting is the conundrum I now face: Now that I am fully aware of these behaviors does it change anything in the way I do business and live my life? This behavior is not new. I just didn’t know about it. Therefore what value exists in responding to it in any way shape or form?

Honestly, I don’t think there is any value beyond emotional satisfaction. In the end the best way to respond is to succeed so damn hard that they recognize that they are in fact as limited as advertised.

So, yeah. Lets do that.

I did part one on a phone, and my not too slender fingers hacked and stumbled slowly through the thing to the tune of 3 clumsy picks. To Recap:

(1) Cardinals : Nick Bosa

(2) 49rs: Ed Oliver

(3) New York Jets: Noah Fant

And now the rest:

(4) Raiders: Quinnin Williams, Defensive Tackle
Gruden is an old school guy who believes that pressure starts right up the middle. Williams is a solid 3 technique guy who will shore up the defensive interior for the next decade.

(5) Tampa Bay: Montez Sweat, Edge
You cannot go wrong with Sweat. While some teams are a bit worried about heart issues, there is no questioning his athleticism. He set modern records for speed and agility at the position and will have the NYG feeling very upset they missed out on their next LT.

(6) New York Giants: Kyler Murray
The Giants have a plan at QB and it would have manifested later in the draft had this kid not been available. I think they really wanted to go with the kid from Duke, but Gettleman knows the power of a ‘move’ QB and will not be willing to skip a chance to let him develop his pocket and IQ game behind Manning.

(7) Jaguars: Jawaan Taylor, OT
Dwayne Haskins would be a good pick here, if you could let a #1 sit behind the starter for 3 years. You cannot and the 4 year $88 million dollar contract they gave Foles suggests that they are set at the QB spot for now. Offensive lineman are always useful. Still, Foles coulda used a better TE.

(8) Lions: Rashaan Gary, Edge
Best available Edge comes off the board here.

(9) Bills: Jonah Williams, OT
Gotta protect your QB. I think they are going to try to get an OT here unless a team is willing to trade up for the still rich QB market. No trades in this one, because I clearly cannot think that far ahead.

(10) Broncos: Dwayne Haskins, QB
Best available QB comes off the board here. He is a project guy, but a guy everyone is high on and can get the job done with training.

(11) Bengals: Devin White, LB
Best available LB comes off the board here

(12) Green Bay: Marquise Brown, WR
Keep your QB fed and happy. While they could go TE here, the stretch WR is a better look to match the run game. They need defensive help, but the dearth of scoring from 2018 predicates an offensive spending spree.

(13) Dolphins: Drew Lock, QB
Best available comes off the board here, though I think Gardner Minshew is going to be a legit talent and a value in later rounds.

(14) Falcons: D.K. Metcalf, WR
Another big strong receiver to bolster a very physical Falcons passing attack

(15) Redskins: Taylor Rapp, S
Adding riches to the pot, they pair Rapp with former Giants pro-bowler Landon Collins and kill all passing games against them.

More tomorrow…

This is the first part of a multi part draft—my first (and only) of 2019. I’ve been conducting research daily to figure out who my team might take and by default learning the needs of the other teams. So here we go.

1 Cardinals: Nick Bosa

The cards are tied to the kyler Murray pick by the media but what makes sense is a strong 4-3 edge rusher to give the defense some life

2 49rs Ed Oliver

While edge rushers are at a premium a solid 4-3 tackle with end speed cannot be overlooked. The Niners will feast with this pick on their line

3. Jets Noah Fant

The jets saw what we non-media types saw: a QB who struggled when under pressure and was devoured in rematch games against division opponents. He needs a safety valve or he’s going to be destroyed in his sophomore slump.

4…. tomorrow. I wrote real slow tonight

I spent a good 15 minutes this morning watching prepackaged nike videos like this one, and this one, and of course, this one. I understand that this is the result of marketing and shaving off aspects of the truth in order to create an emotionally stirring narrative. I’m a writer, so I do this stuff in story. Still, that does nothing to discount to incredible journey these men have accomplished.

For a long time now I have lived two lives. In one life the idea of sports is a casual thing that is purely about having fun and a distraction from other things in life that everyone else finds more important and meaningful and lasting. In the other life sports is life. Sports is a stepping stone; the training ground by which my kids work towards their dreams. Two of my kids have the expectation of being professional athletes. One has the work ethic and the talent. The other has the talent but lacks the work ethic. Either or neither of them could achieve that dream. They could abandon that goal at any moment. In the meanwhile I am doing as much as I can to create the conditions for them to be successful at the level they dream.

This is causing incredible tension in my life. I’ve been called out for being too focused on them and not focused on myself nearly enough. True. I’ve been called out for being doggedly and unerringly focused on their sports careers to the point where I have ignored advice from and often skipped the partnership conversations to just bull ahead with what I wanted for the boys. True. I’ve been accused of spending way too much money to put them in things they ‘don’t need’ Partially true. I’ve been called out for needing them to need me. Not true. Everything that is said about me in this regard is a matter of perspective. What is and isn’t needed is a matter of informed perspective. What is absolutely right is that I have not been a good partner because of this stubborn goal. Unfortunately, the idea that I need this goal–that I need them to need me always walks hand in hand with this sort of thing. Any dad who invests this much in the success of his children in sports is going to be seen as Lavar Ball when instead they should be viewed as what they are: An individual who has been through adolescence and seen what it takes to be successful in this day and age and expects of himself to open those doors for his kids.

They gotta walk through it on their own before it shuts on its own.

Over the last decade I have spent a good deal of my time vacillating between the man I want to be and the man everyone else wants me to be. Everyone around me has an idea of who I am. At my core I am a person who allows that sort of influence to infect me. I move towards where people want me to be and often away from where I want to be. That conflict comes out of me in the most passive aggressive ways. I see it in my interactions with my life partner. I see it when I interact with my ex wife. I see it in the bonds I form with my students. I think that I am still searching for a way for my true self to emerge and still figuring out who that person actually is.

I know that my life is being lived in phases and goals. I don’t intend to be the parent who ships his kids off to college and then doesn’t have anything left. The kids are a wrapper and I have an entire life beneath the foil.

I have Hanna playing in the background and the family is a room away preparing for a speech that the old one has to do. I’m in one part of the life I live–the one with the angry Otaku kid who spends his hours building a deeper understanding of the finer anime the way his mom studied literature in grad school. This is the other set of kids, similar in many ways to the first. They are spaced identically. The middle ones are athletically gifted. The young ones are angry. The first born are aloof and apart yet want to be there for everyone else. When the six are together the dynamic is interesting. Even after all these years they all are trying to find their place.

I’ve been thinking about childhood and appreciating being able to see the stages of such from 20 all the way down to 10 as I mark off each of the young. They each represent a different stage of that and will ultimately end up in very different places in life. I cannot say where they will be. I want to be there for them all and I want to help to put them in the best position to be successful. I am trying to learn what that means and what my role in that truly is.

The hardest thing about this particular kids sports season has been not diving in. I’m a deep diver. I appreciate the chance to really get to the nitty gritty of the teaching and strategy of a sport. I’ve been more of a dabbler coach this season. I go to one practice a week and defer to all of the other coaches. On the surface it sounds like I am sad and disappointed by this, but I am not. In fact, I consider this a version of balance and compromise. I am also keenly aware that what I recognize as compromise and balance does not compute as such to anyone but me and as a result more must be done.

Much more.

Still, it is a very difficult sea change to adjust to overall and I find the lack of a deep dive–a complete and utter submersion in the sports and lives of my kids–to be different and jarring. Still, I want to make this change. It seems like I don’t but I do. I want balance. I want to still have times when I am coaching and times when I am not. I still want to have times when I am focused on my kids and times when I am not. I want to get to a point financially where they make a smaller footprint on my budget for certain.

I am making these changes for many reasons. The primary reason is to create a life beyond children where me and my partner are first and foremost in our lives–even if it clearly isn’t that way now. Also to create a life for myself where I feel like I have a homebase and a homeplan and everything stems from that.