I never finished my mock draft. I intended to but things got in the way–you know, life, anger, parenting, relationships. It is no wonder that I write, because I live. In this strange and brief life I have experienced so much that there is more that happens than there is time to write about. Still doesn’t stop me from trying.
I got to thinking recently that it is long past time for me to evolve my operations. I have something to offer the world as a writer. If this blog ever gets read by more than the 1 person I know to read it, let it be known that I finally recognize that in these pages are at least one or two moments of universal connection–where I am experiencing things in my life (and my words) that resonate on a larger scale. I am going through what many of us go through, and perhaps I can find the words to give voice to what a lot of us feel. It feels odd to say it because I’ve never actually processed that when we write we are giving voice to the voiceless. Perhaps I am doing that.
Perhaps I’m just very very vain.
I also got to thinking about relationships and about the idea of sacrifice and balance and how to be a good partner. I think that I’ve always been a control freak. In present tense I’ve been in control of the clock. By that I mean that I have controlled when things happen in my relationships. I am no longer so sure that is a good thing, because it inevitably hurts the people I care about the most, because they suffer as I wait to accomplish what I feel I need to accomplish. Most recently I’ve been thinking about this in terms of my kids and my hopes and goals and actions surrounding them. I realize that my life is largely driven by sports and more to the point the sports they play and that I coach. I am working towards finding a way to make all of that more balanced and even doing away with a degree of it. I need to continue talking this out with my partner, but it feels like my two oldest kids are at the point where school driven athletics is taking over and it is possible for me to move out of where I am at and to a place where they can get to those things and lead that life without me.
It also may be time to move on from kid 3’s athleticism and just let things be such that they develop if he finds the strength and strategy in himself to develop them. This means that I would not have him play sports after next fall. He’d only get to play sports again as part of a school program, and if I move at that time I would no longer be responsible for the back and forth of practice. All of that would fall on them to continue. My responsibility would be limited to showing up to games to offer moral support.
Maybe it is finally time to move on from being so involved.