Month: May 2021

Is it okay for a writer not to have a thing to say? It has to be. We of the writing variety are like rechargeable story batteries. We build up all of these experiences–be they real or imagined–and we release them into the world in some form. Meanwhile our story charge depletes and we are left with little to nothing to say. Often, we are so hyper focused on one story in particular that nothing else can get shared. I may be that way. I don’t have terribly much to say, because this novel is absorbing all of my thoughts and emotions. I am excited about it and the work is going pretty good right now. That being said, it leaves me in a quandary because for ten minutes a day I find that I have little to say to the world at large.

Sorry, world at large.

On the occasions I do have a word or two to share lately it is generally personal or political. That was never the true intention of the space, though I’ve given room to that for years. What I do think helps is a formalization. If I know that Wednesday is the Waiver Wire, I save up ideas for that. Freewrite Friday is a brain dump of any creative juices built up over the week. The other days lack form and thus gravitas, so perhaps I should start to shape meaning into one or more of those other days…

Today was clearly a reflection. Those can go a long way towards understanding what to do next.

I have what one would term ‘a tepid relationship’ with my mama. She’s done a lot for me in this last half century. She played a large role in who I am today. Unfortunately, a lot of what she did brought pain and suffering and now our relationship is primarily non-verbal. I have not spoken to her since she showed up on my doorstep in September of ’20. I don’t expect we will speak ever again.

There are few black men who feel like their mom is not a significant part of their life. I became part of that group when she shorted me out of my share of a quarter million. I’m not rich. In truth I am in debt. That money would’ve cleared my debt and I would be in much better financial shape than I am now. That’s cool though. She got her value out of me. That is good for her and I hope she lives a long and happy life. Her actions remind me that it takes both the parent and child to nurture a lifelong relationship. My partner reminds me of that in her own everyday actions. She’s a good mom–a true mom.

Still, much of the man I am I owe to what my mom did and did not due. We are shaped one and all by how we respond to our experiences. Our environment and interactions provide the experiences. They are the substrate in which the reactions occur to create the people we become. What she did to me and occasionally for me impacted who I became and often shaped the direction I took in life.

I wonder who I would’ve been without her. I wonder if he would’ve been a better man or just different. What I know is that he wouldn’t be me.

Some Thoughts:

1. Curiously, if ‘he’ wouldn’t be me, what does that say about human experience and what that creates? I wonder if we do live multiple lives. I wonder if we live the same life over and again in death…
2. My kid’s ex youth org had a rough series of games this season and did not make it to the ‘ship at all but 1 level. That one team is amazing. The future beyond that is less solvent. I should feel relieved (as it indicates there will be other powerhouse orgs) but I should not feel satisfied by these losses. I do. I really do. What does that say about me?

Not a lot to say this eve. I’m tired. I’ve had a long day. Emotions are running high. I am sitting here with Fringe playing in the background and thinking about the seasons of horror I’ve sentenced my partner to (it gets better! and less gross). All I can really get out right now are…

Some Thoughts:

1. While there were many good moments to start the day I fear I haven’t made as much progress as I hoped.
2. Doge fell off hard. That might be the end of the meme coin or this could really be a short dip. Musk did SNL and there were big expectations based on that appearance. He didn’t do the coin any favors. down 24% over the last 24 hrs. Oof.
3. Writing is going well. I’m not at a complete draft, but what I have feels fairly solid. I want to put two chapters out a day, but I don’t know that I’m there yet.

It isn’t often that I find myself sitting in a corner hacking out a blog on bad fingers while dogs mill around me trying to find a spot to nest closest to my feet. You take what blessings you can in life. Often I forget about such things. Often I see my life in one way when in fact there is much good about and even more that I can do that is good for the people closest to me.

I am not living my best life or being my best self. I suspect that if I don’t get it together soon I will loose the connection to the things I hold most dear. The proble is that I don’t know that I can get it together. What if I’m already too far gone? Of course it sounds like a cop out, but everything sounds like that from a distance. Being in a thing feels different than observing it or reading about it.

In the end I need to consider the good in what I have and what I can do and what I am able to do as a result of the life I live and the people who make that life possible. I must do what is right for them. This is the way.

We don’t live in a world that praises sustained joy. At least I don’t. Perhaps such a thing exists in aboriginal cultures or any place where profit is not the end all. Here, we measure joy not by length but by level. Nothing is ever good enough. Our goal in life is primarily to chase that next high. Like video games? Level up. Get to that next season where everything is new (but not really new). Each of us profit off of joy in some fashion and because of that joy is cyclical. It is filled with micro transactions that wear on your wallet as much as they wear out your soul. We are all addicts chasing that brief joy high.

Recently, someone close to my partner passed. I met this woman and felt in her a connection to that kernel of joy that has always existed in me. Her joy, like mine, was not about the chase. It was an internal flame. Mine once took the form of a dancing stick figure–one who I could see in my minds eye and always remind myself that despite whatever conditions the world threw my way, I’d always have that small bit of joy grinding out a few solid dance moves in my inner sanctum.

It’s been a long time since I thought about that little man. It’s been a long time since I looked inward for joy. I am, as a result, dissatisfied. That is what our culture wants me to be. Satisfaction breeds complacency. You buy less when you’re happy. You need less. When we need less the economy cannot grow off of us and the economy must continue to grow as though it were that mythical beast, rough and slouching towards Bethlehem and never to be born and never to see its own hour come for that would represent an end of something–a singularity of purpose beyond wealth, and we cannot see to get there.

I miss being joyful. I miss feeling safe in my own skin and habits. In the meanwhile, on to the next hit.

Shout out to Peter King!

For this edition of the wire I will be borrowing a format from the great Peter King. His 10 things posts were legendary. He was the first person to show me the term coffeenerdness in addition to all the good football info I learned from him. So, here we go!

1. If you don’t know Phil Mushnick by now then you should. His columns are peppered with arrogance and humor and quite a fair deal of insight about sports… if you are into that sort of thing. He has a lot to say about the NFL as of late and I think he is right. The NFL is screwing up. They are not capturing the moment and the opportunity this moment is presenting. This is not for lack of trying, mind you. However, there is trying and there is trying the right way…
2. Staying on the NFL here, they really are trying with NFL flag. They’ve organized tourneys nationwide, and even promoted teams and curriculum in schools. It is not catching in every district. I think presently only 14 states have it in use at some level. Push harder. Give more money to go with the materials and curriculum. Then go next level and sanction youth tackle leagues from 12 to 14. You got this.
3. Actually, Elite Athlete Management got this. At least here in AZ. The athlete management firm boasts sponsorship of the best youth teams at every age group they have a team. That’s a big deal. They win in flag. They win in tackle (same kids). I haven’t seen the basketball stuff yet, but I know they got it too. In fact, they’ve arranged to have a stadium for their youth teams. That’s crazy.
4. The youth game is crazy and there is too much energy and attention paid at all levels. At the same time there is less than enough quality teaching happening.
5. I am trying to teach my kid fundamentals of competition and how it feels to win and lose. He’s running middle school varsity track as a 6th grader and running against one of those Elite kids from above. Same age. They are the two sixth graders out there. He’s getting beat pretty bad and needs to improve. This is not me talking–finally–it’s him.
6. Where he goes from here is a new tackle club, as discussed. The Irish is not going to be a very good team year one. Unless we get a huge influx of talent–specifically on the line–we need to think about D3 or 4 as a possibility. 12u football is about size and speed. We have speed in my kid, but where is that line?
7. Left Instagram for a while. Withdrawal from social media feels like any other form of withdrawal.
8. Coffeenerdness: I’m starting to appreciate darker coffee, which is to say less cream in the mix.
9. I want to close this out by talking about the NFL. First, the Darnold situation has me genuinely confused. If so many coaches and players say he’s super good, then why hasn’t he been? What is missing there? I am formally willing to give the kid a chance this season. Hopefully, for his sake, he pops.
10. The Rodgers thing has me really spinning. Can’t NYC just leverage one of those newly gained first round picks and bring a new A-Rod to town. Danny Drops is young and can learn a lot sitting behind that guy…

The arrival of the New Apex season today reminds me of the joy I’ve always felt in experiencing new gaming content. I enjoy the opportunity to try a new game or watch a new show and check out all the cool little things the creators dropped in as nods and developed with a sensibility to remind us that there is still good story out there. As I write this novel I am asking myself, what am I dropping in? What am I making that is so cool and engaging that people are going to say, ‘wow.’

more importantly, what am I making that I feel good about?

Some Thoughts:

1. Still hobbled by a finger injury. I’m pecking at the keyboard now. It sort of throbs at times. I can see the bruising, but I don’t entirely know what is wrong with it. Dr? We don’t need no stinking doc.
2. Speaking of ‘doc’ my favorite character in Apex, Lifeline, has had significant changes. However, I don’t know what they are because the game isn’t loading. Apex wasn’t ready for the level of exposure they are getting now.
3. Relationships are precious. And precarious. And volatile. Peace is fleeting.
4. I need to get back to my Thich Nhat Han….

Hand still is ruined and typing is at slow slow pace. So, I’m just going to launch into…

Some Thoughts:

1. I have done a pretty decent job over the last few days of sticking to the writing schedule. Unfortunately, butt in seat is not enough to speed me up to the point where I am done with the story. I need about two good weeks to get it done. The first half is solid, but the back end needs more time.
2. My male dog is having a rough time with his female companion approaching heat. He’s struggling mightily and acting a damn fool. I tried to find helpful research on how to chill him out, but the fact is you cannot chill him out. He is good in moments, but this dog is focused…
3. One rough side effect of the social media our kids put out and we put out for our kids: General unwillingness to accept defeat. The organization my boy was a part of lost this past weekend, but all the kids from that team were posting clips of how they did that game and how good the team looked and how much they scored. Moreover, these clips were captioned in ways to suggest they won the game. They didn’t. They are out of the playoffs. How do you not mention that? If you don’t what does that say about your understanding of the situation and of the subjective reality you are promoting on a public platform? This is yet another reason to get off the platform. In the meanwhile I will be taking a hiatus from the platform for the summer at least. There is no need to hype anything and we have no desire to participate in events outside of organized team activities, so what is the point?

Tough day on a lot of levels. The most physical one being my slamming a door on my finger and now I am typing without my index finger. Here is an interesting fact: I don’t entirely know the fingers. Index, Pinky, Middle, Thumb. There’s another finger but I’m kind of dumb. Okay, not really but the rhyme felt right. The hand doesn’t. It is tough to type this way, but it is the way I need to rely on at this point.

Some Thoughts:

1. The ‘Bad Bitch’ narrative was strong in the 70’s and reemerged as a different form of sexiness in the 80s. it went away for forty years and now it is back and looking like every woman is a low key bad ass. It works for me, but what doesn’t work is the unnecessary denigration of masculinity as a retcon.
2. These blogs really need to get back to being about shit. I really need to get back to being about shit. I’m straight running out of time.

Or, How Social Media Restored the Balance of Stupid in America

I should rephrase this to say United States. I’ve fallen victim to calling everything here America and forgetting that we are not all of the Americas in terms of continent. But I digress…

The real focus of this blog is the hype train. I’ve talked about this metaphysical roadway at times, but never really broke down what I think it is and what the problems of that are. In essence, I am talking about memetics. I am talking about the transport of ideas through culture to the point where what is behind the ideas (the fundamental reasoning and purpose) dies and is replaced by the appearance of the thing itself, and that becomes the ends to the means. In short, Hype.

Hype is really about getting ‘noticed’. It is about having followers on social media and feeling like people want to be around you or even be you. It is Dan Bilzerian couture writ large. What makes it worse is how young it starts. I’ve talked at length about the bonkers level of hype that surrounds 6 yr old athletes. That goes on through their “youth” years and up through high school. Once you get on the train it does not let you go. You either find a way to stay in the light or you fall into obscurity and risk the social and emotional backlash that goes with that.

I have a ‘hype’ page for my kids. I am strongly considering taking it down. On the other hand, I really do wonder if that is what is needed to get connected to some of these skill-based opportunities that do not seem as much based on skill anymore as notoriety. Can my kids get noticed without film? I’m in that headspace where I am considering it and considering turning off the social media and focusing purely on craft in our own way and at our own pace. The rest just feels toxic.