I have what one would term ‘a tepid relationship’ with my mama. She’s done a lot for me in this last half century. She played a large role in who I am today. Unfortunately, a lot of what she did brought pain and suffering and now our relationship is primarily non-verbal. I have not spoken to her since she showed up on my doorstep in September of ’20. I don’t expect we will speak ever again.
There are few black men who feel like their mom is not a significant part of their life. I became part of that group when she shorted me out of my share of a quarter million. I’m not rich. In truth I am in debt. That money would’ve cleared my debt and I would be in much better financial shape than I am now. That’s cool though. She got her value out of me. That is good for her and I hope she lives a long and happy life. Her actions remind me that it takes both the parent and child to nurture a lifelong relationship. My partner reminds me of that in her own everyday actions. She’s a good mom–a true mom.
Still, much of the man I am I owe to what my mom did and did not due. We are shaped one and all by how we respond to our experiences. Our environment and interactions provide the experiences. They are the substrate in which the reactions occur to create the people we become. What she did to me and occasionally for me impacted who I became and often shaped the direction I took in life.
I wonder who I would’ve been without her. I wonder if he would’ve been a better man or just different. What I know is that he wouldn’t be me.
Some Thoughts:
- Curiously, if ‘he’ wouldn’t be me, what does that say about human experience and what that creates? I wonder if we do live multiple lives. I wonder if we live the same life over and again in death…
- My kid’s ex youth org had a rough series of games this season and did not make it to the ‘ship at all but 1 level. That one team is amazing. The future beyond that is less solvent. I should feel relieved (as it indicates there will be other powerhouse orgs) but I should not feel satisfied by these losses. I do. I really do. What does that say about me?