Month: April 2021

WOTD (Courtesy of Miriam-Webster)

Dross

1 : the scum or unwanted material that forms on the surface of molten metal

2 : waste or foreign matter : impurity

3 : something that is base, trivial, or inferior

Continue

The ‘return’ key is a flat black expanse of possibility. You want to touch it, to let the code process through the system, doing thousands of years of work and myth in the blink of an eye. You think, distractedly, that mailmen barely have a purpose in light of that enter key and all the power at its command. Last week you started getting emails from the postal service showing you scanned images of the letters they were preparing to deliver to your door. They called it a daily update. you saw it as a form of self awareness. To use to the instrument of your eventual end to remind people that you still have purpose feels ironic. Why not remove you from that loop entirely, scraped away like the dross that forms on a knifes edge only to be wiped clean and disposed of leaving that flat silver expanse of sharp metal. With a slap of the key you can be that knife. They will know everything that has been happening here and the dross that is your boss, that is this unethical and burdensome situation will be cleared away.

You press return.

Once there was a swooshing sound that went with such things, as though to move through the internet was to fly and your letter would fly through the digital pathways finding its destination on a wind of electrons. It was a silly construct, no less foolish than that paperclip with a face on it. Both are gone, mostly. You miss both a little. Will you miss how things were here? Will you miss the comfort and familiarity of expectation. Who knows who will replace Kevin? Will others be snapped up in the cleansing? Will your new master decide that you were a problem because you told of the problem and not trust you? It could happen that way. It will more likely happen that way if it is a woman, won’t it? She’ll feel she has something to prove. She will feel like you only did what you did in order to move up that corporate ladder. You’ll joke about it. You’ll say, “It’s hard to climb a ladder in heels” and you’ll giggle, hoping she giggles too. She will. Then she’ll give you more work. Then she will give you more high profile work and call it opportunity. Then you’ll make a mistake–just a small one–but it will be enough to expose your weakness. That will be enough for her to say “no, you can’t climb in heels. So maybe it’s best you stay where you are.” They say men are the worst towards women in the workplace, but other women can be just as bad. That’s equality for you.

Unsend only lasts for 10 seconds. After that the option to rewind is lost. It’s been eleven seconds. All that’s left now is to continue.

Let’s start with the fact that people are fighting at track meets. Track Meets.

What made the situation worse is that the coaches for my kid’s very “not urban” school reacted badly leading to parents reacting badly. More than one they demanded the kids be loaded up on buses quickly to escape. And I know a lot of that was about race. I never heard them say race but the overtones of them and places like this were clearly stated. Places like this being the all-city meet.

At least my kid won his race.

As I write this I am waiting for the Pizzas I ordered to leave Dominos for delivery. I ordered 45 minutes ago. The food was being ‘checked’ 35 minutes ago. Why hasn’t it hit the road? So, yeah, this is that day. This is that day I really wanted the world to give me a break and let me feel good for an extended period of time but that good is all diced up in the bad and the bad is not overwhelming but needling and annoying and that is just too much.

Again, my kid did win his race. So that was nice for him.

Back to me…. Nah. Not so good.

The Giants got a good pick and additional first round draft pick next year–amazing value. So, thats really good for them.

Back to me? Nah. just nah.

My friend had a launch party for her poetry book today. Nice work and couldn’t have happened to a nicer person. really proud of her.

Back to me. Nope.

I’ve been dealing with a wicked bout of what is generalized as ‘writer’s block’ which is to say I cannot figure out the right way to start a particular chapter. That’s all well and good so long as it doesn’t cause my entire writing brain to freeze up–which it has. I’m going to try and loosen the gears here by talking football for a few minutes. So, here we go.

The Youth Game

Haven’t talked to the HC about my kid leaving. I’ve talked to a few parents though and that is not cool. I need to chat up this dude and let him know what’s going on. While I don’t have info on the playoff situation for the youth league yet, I’ll throw out a mention of how that’s shaking out next Wednesday.

The Pro Draft

So, the rest of the time is devoted to a conversation about the draft and about how some experts will be doing everything to blame the Jags for why Trevor Lawrence is a bust. Here is the thing: I don’t know he will be a bust. Adam Gase has been blamed for the early fails of Tannehill and now Darnold, so in a sense you could say that there is evidence that proves this true (I still think Tannehill is a system guy in the right system) but you can also call it media protecting their opinion to ensure they are seen as trustworthy. To that end, everyone who is on the Lawrence train is going to stay there. Still, I think he’s a bust. Historically every first round has a QB bust and given the number of Q’s that are slated to be takin this year, someone has to be that dude. I think that Zach Wilson has comparables to Steve Young, but will he be that good? No. Will he be a bust? Maybe. It depends on if he starts on Day 1 or not. He shouldn’t. In truth, the only QB I see being the ‘truth’ is… None. None of them. Nobody on the list showed me that they can play NFL style and level ball. So, I’m out on the Q’s.

I’m in on Kyle Pitts. I’m in on Micah Parsons. He’s got that Devin White vibe. I am OUT on all of the edge rushers–especially when it comes to the NY Giants. They don’t need to invest in any of these kids trying to develop their game right now. Giants need to take Pitts or Parsons or Waddle–if they trust him to be healthy. That is what I think should happen. What will?

I think the QB rush leaves a lot of skill positions open and available early. I think the G-men wind up investing in a CB if they can’t get one of the two mentioned above. I think there will be trades that prevent them from getting their guy, and as a result, CB. Also as a result they will look to be more efficient and trade out of the 2nd for additional late round picks where they can stock up on developmental talent knowing that the Cap is not working in their favor right now.

We are in the midsts of starting a new show. I’m considering going back through Amazon’s Lore on a side note, but that isn’t what is going to fill the space. Barry, from HBO is a real contender being that I liked the actor. The thing is, there aren’t any AMAZING shows happening right now, which leaves me grasping for new material. What happened to Atlanta? There are a few shows that followed that weirdness that worked but none as iconic and powerful. Yeah, I could be writing and not watching, but can’t I do both? I believe I can, thanks.

One thing I’ve been watching and enjoying on my own is Invincible, an animated show about a super hero coming of age. It is pretty good and offers an amazing cast.

Well, that’s the world I’m living in at present and this blog is about done. Just some time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. The youngest ran his first track meet. He got to run varsity and got to run the 100. He is the only kid whose run varsity 100 as a sixth grader. Now, is that a commentary on his abilities or on the actual level of skill of the people around him. He ran a sub 14 100, which is top 25 in the state. So, maybe he’s legit.

While I have not formally voiced this to my son’s youth team, he will not be returning to the team. Instead he will be joining the newly forming feeder team for his high school. We are doing it so he learns the right way. We are doing it because that culture was exposed as being so entirely toxic that I don’t feel like we can return without becoming a part of that toxicity. This is a team that doesn’t shake hands. This is a team that teaches good football fundamentals but doesn’t teach about sportsmanship and losing gracefully the way I hoped.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I learned that when I moved from one college to another. I take that lesson with me in this. I don’t know that this new situation is going to be any less toxic than the last. I know that I will be more vigilant as a dad in teaching my son what is right and what is wrong. I know that having two other kids involved at the High School level creates a sense of cultural understanding and teaching moments that I can build upon in my role as a father.

No, I don’t know where things stand with me as a coach. My partner and I have yet to have that conversation about commitment.

I know I feel like this is a positive change and there is plenty of room to grow from all of this. I am excited to see what this change brings and the growth that comes out of it.

Manscaping. Man Boxes. Beards.

The definition of manhood–American Manhood, seems to be a shifting scale of kitch, hipster, and varying degrees of toughness. In fact, what toughness is has often vacillated between cage fighters and really well groomed dudes. I think the uber goal of all this is to create an image of men that is both–A Conner McGregor if you will; a man who is immaculately dressed but somehow a true ruffian when required. It seems parallel to the (male) feminine ideal of a perfectly groomed woman who is a closet freak.

When I write men I don’t lean on any of these ideals. I consider thoughtful individuals who are socialized by their various backgrounds and are not in fact aiming to be one thing. My most recent character is a black Londoner who is doused in the punk rock culture and ultimately feels like an outsider who is trying to make his own in-group of which he has no real set boundaries or expectations of behavior other than–do they love the system? If no check here.

But that is not the modern male. I’m supposed to be buying crates and kits and manscaping and investing in $1000 knives and wearing tight jeans (is that still a thing?) and having a very limited and curated appreciation of music. None of this sounds like me to me . None of this sounds like a character with much depth or world appreciation either. It sounds like a new version of the old drone.

I think the deeper issue/question here is about American culture and what is it we are really trying to create or manufacture to be called so-called white culture. Honestly, I think most of the issues in American culture stem from this clear lack of a sustained cultural profile. Black men are defined within American culture as one thing. Every racial group outside of ‘whiteness’ is defined as one thing in American culture and that main thing has not shifted in any useful way since the beginning. On the other hand, nothing has ‘stuck’ for white males and as a result there is this constant need for definition which seems to rely heavily on defining the ‘other’.

What can we do to make a better culture? Fix that stuff right there.

Nothing cohesive today. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things as I watch spring heat up into summer. I’d like to share…

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched Jordan Klepper’s Trump episode on the daily Show today. Absolutely terrifying how people can openly support a double standard so long as it protects their sense of us v. them and gives them a righteous leg to stand on. More terrifying than that is the amount of power that Tucker Carlson wields from behind that bowtie. People truly believe that man and his statements on air. They don’t stop to reflect that this is not news. This is opinion. He is a person spouting white supremacist propaganda under a nicer name and they, largely, don’t get it. Or maybe they do and like the cover he provides them to do so.
2. Novel looking better. If only I could write it a lot faster.
3. Spent most of the day working on the backyard which is also looking a lot better.
4. I spent a small part of the day looking at the youth scores–much smaller part of the day than ever before. That situation last week killed some part of it for me. I’m looking forward to the boy’s seventh grade season and looking forward to that being the last one. We will try something else in the fall of 8th. Wrestling to be sure but who knows what other school sport he’s gonna take a shot at? This is the best time to learn–before HS starts. By 8th I will have a serious training program ready for the kid and we will go hard… Still need a Jugs machine though.
5. Haven’t started thinking about the next novel. Give me a few weeks and I’ll start turning it over in my head. I have thoughts about the next step for this crew but nothing that constitutes a novel.
6. Speaking of novels, the Expanse is a solid series. On book 3 and super impressed with 1 and 2. 3 lacks the kick, but that is because I don’t truly enjoy the characters in this one–not yet.

The Word of the Day is Bogart (made famous by the actor of the same name and meaning to consume all or bully someone)

Bogart

“Give it back!” Selisha screamed. Even with her chocolate skin the hints of anger flush still showed in her cheeks. Her thin arms strained, looking comical given the frills of the pink dress and matching pink glitter shoes. Her hair was done up in pigtails adorned with hair ties that were, unsurprisingly, pink. In fact the only thing she had to complete the ensemble that wasn’t pink was no longer in her possession. And Selisha very much wanted it back.

“Not a chance.” Said Clay, her older, but apparently less mature, brother. He was braced against the doorframe straining against her surprising strength. In his hands was a light brown teddy bear with a pink bow around its neck. He had the bear by the legs. As she continued to scream he adjusted his grip, finding purchase on the things soft belly. He wasn’t planning to let go.

“You better give it back right now!”

“You better back up before I rip it apart!” She only had hold of the bears head in one hand, the other clinging to an ear the way her mother scolded Clay when he acted up. Except she wouldn’t be scolding him today. She wouldn’t be scolding him ever again.

“No!” Her screams had that frantic edge to them, as if she screamed to keep herself from sobbing. “Give me Mr. Bear!”

But he wouldn’t give it to her. Slowly his power overwhelmed her. In moments he had the bear by the head and worked to pry her fingers away, each moment fed by grunts and whimpers. He shoved her hard and she fell back against the floor. He stood over her then, smirking. He said, “It’s my bear, punk.”

She didn’t respond. She stared up at him, eyes wet but unwilling to release the tears, knowing that if she started she wouldn’t stop and there was no one left to stop her, not anymore. She wiped at her eyes, watching him. He continued to smile, taking a step back and then another. Finally he turned and ran off deeper into the house.

It was fine. She didn’t need the bear. She had to not need the bear anymore. She had to not need a lot of things anymore. Selisha climbed to her feet and brushed at her dress, hoping she could smooth out the wrinkles. She needed to go to school soon and she wanted to look her best.

Long day of yard work which led to my back feeling like it belongs to a much older man. I can fight through that, but only for a little while. In the end I wind up in bed with a heat pack on it for more hours than I am truly prepared for. My firstborn needs to start driving and take some of that pressure off of me. It is going to happen in the next few weeks. I intend to force the issue.

Speaking of forcing the issue, I find that I am getting closer to my deadline and spending less time than required on the project. I cannot finish if I don’t work, and I don’t work for nearly long enough. It needs to be far more of a priority than it has been. At the same time some of these chapters are flat out hard to write–it is about making it sound the way I want and feeling lost and disappointed when that doesn’t happen (colloquially known as the writing process).

Well, back to the page… right after I share…

Some Thoughts:

1. Now that the decision has been made to move my son to a different team, it raises the question about whether or not I should coach him this final season. The original plan had been to not to. I trusted the coaching he was getting. This new experience means new coaching, but it is also the same staff he will deal with at the high school level, with a few youth coaches added to the mix. So, the real decision is about what I want my involvement to look like. Deep down? I want to be a part of it. I want to coach. However, I do not know if I should. I had up to this point decided to not coach. So, I should stick to it. At the least I should have a real conversation about it with my partner–get her input. Find out where I truly stand.
2. My mid kid is getting better at the track stuff, though it is not showing in his times. His times are getting worse. I don’t quite get the correlation. Moreover, he’s getting beat by other freshmen (from other schools) which never used to happen. He’s slipped to 11th overall in his age group, which is not where he wants to be.

As the youth football season winds down I find myself watching and reflecting on the entire amped up concept of youth sports. I am largely over the concept of a Tier 1 youth team. I am over it because of what went down this last weekend. There was a game I attended that was so deeply toxic that it changed the trajectory of my son’s youth involvement. What’s more is that it wasn’t just me as a father instigating a change. Deep into the 3rd quarter he turned to me and said, “Dad, I cannot play for that team anymore.”

He was right to say what he said. The level of toxicity I saw was astounding. I remember talking to the coaches on our sideline and saying, “I coach with those guys over there. When I’m on that sideline it doesn’t seem as bad as it is now.” To which my friends and coaches responded, “It is that bad. You don’t see it because you are there. You become part of it.”

Here is what happened: My mid kid was playing a 13u game. He’s officially a high schooler, because he skipped a grade. He’s not a large kid. He’s not one of those terrifying lineman types or anything even like that. He is just a fast and skinny kid who, by the way, used to play for the team we were facing. So, when that team’s coach started complaining that he could not play because he was a high schooler and he has 7th graders on his team it made no sense. In fact he’d played with those same kids. He was literally a part of that same exact group of kids. Furthermore, there are kids on that team who are both older and bigger than he is. This conflict set off the afternoon. It got worse from there. He demanded to know who else on the squad was in high school, knowing that my kid was not trying to be illegal but trying to play a few games with the kids he grew up with and played with from age 6. That should be okay. He made sure it wasn’t.

Soon it became clear that the refs were also turned off by this event, quickly turning their ire towards our squad. I watched an opposing player throw a punch at one of our kids and no flag was given. Yet the next play our players were flagged for talking back to the opposing team. This continued throughout the afternoon until finally, once the game ended, the opposing squads HC, a personal friend of mine, refused to shake hands with the coaches or players.

That is a bridge too far for me.

Your job out there as a youth coach is to teach kids how to play the game and that includes sportsmanship. If you cannot be a big enough man to shake hands–even after you feel you were somehow wronged–then you are showing the kids it is okay to behave like that. They take their lead from you and they did exactly that, showing next to know sportsmanship.

So we are out.

We had a really good thing going but now we are stepping back. The kid is going to spend his time learning the style and playbook of his chosen HS team playing for that HS youth team. It is not the level of competition that is going to push him to his max, but it is going to teach him the skills and fundamentals he needs to be a part of that program. Also, he gets a chance to embed with the kids he will be playing with at the High School level, which could be the highest level he plays at or could be the most important jump off point towards his future. I believe this is the right choice and this is the proper path to a solid future. I’m disheartened that it happened this way.

Some Thoughts:

1. Draft edition next week. I’ll hit you with my predictions.