Day: September 11, 2021

Lately a lot of the blog has been about this slow spiral around the drain into depression. There is in fact a lot to that. There is quite a bit of rationalization attached as well as surrender and above all else an inability to effectively communicate with the people who matter most in my life. What kills me most is that I don’t see a way out of this. I look for it every day and all I find in the shadows are moments of passion sparking like the dying flickers of an old lighter. Again, I don’t know what to do about it… that I am willing to do. One solution is to get up and go. Today. Grab the things I need the most and just flat leave everything behind. That would bring a temporary thrill of joy and a renewed sense of ‘in this together’

It will also bring down regret like the fall from a drug high. Leaving means shedding the responsibility of being a parent. Yes, in some sense it doesn’t have to. I could evolve into a custody situation where I have my kids for the summer, but that is not actually being a parent. That is being a vacation from their reality as opposed to being a valid part of it.

Staying could be done differently too, I suppose. Different would require releasing the tight strictures of a schedule dominated by school activities and sports. I am father and driver at this point. I am also observer. I suppose one of the ways to tamp down the inequities in the house is to not be an observer. I don’t have to watch my kids play their high school and youth sports. I want to be invested and involved, but at what cost?

There is also the possibility that I am wrong about all of this and the real issue is the communication barrier and the lack of trust and understanding that formed that barrier and perpetuates it. Finding a way through that would be great. It would get my hands back on the keyboard in a meaningful way. After all, if I can’t get the people who love me to understand me, then a stranger has no chance.

Dating ideas are called moonshots. This is named after the plan our government once developed to get to the moon–feeling the task was way beyond anything else and that all of the attention and focus needed to be shifted to get there. I’m not a person who can really understand that these days. I don’t appear to have a sense of creativity.

Yeah, you just watched a writer write that he isn’t creative. As crazy as that looks on the surface, it belies a reality that is dimmed down by personal responsibility, emotional confusion, and fatigue.

I have a ton of things happening in my life and many people who I ‘answer to’ in one way or another. I spend so much of my time and energy being a partner or dad or writer or teacher or coach that I don’t have much left to think about me as an individual and focus on what that individual is thinking or feeling beyond responsibility and escape. I don’t get into a big picture because often there isn’t one. Like Dory, I just keep swimming and enjoy the day for what it is and enjoy the next break from the regular for what that is. This is how most people tend to live. This isn’t how I want to live forever–slaved to the grind–but it feels like where things are at now and will be until the circumstances of life change enough that there is space for movement.

This superstructure determining my daily life feels like a sort of roach motel I crawled into. It’s a gilded trap. I bought a house that I regret. I needed a car after I wrecked mine. I have these responsibilities that drive me back to the daily tasks and so on. Still, this is entirely antithetical to my partner and my partnership, which leaves me feeling ripped apart in terms of responsibility and desire… on both ends.

In many ways I am flat worn out on life. I’m just tired. I watch people flow into my workspace with an energy and aplomb I just don’t have anymore. I get excited about little things, and that is wonderful to see, but the big picture rounds out pretty dimly. I suppose I need to find a way to get off the wheel, because I am becoming more and more of a rat.