Lately a lot of the blog has been about this slow spiral around the drain into depression. There is in fact a lot to that. There is quite a bit of rationalization attached as well as surrender and above all else an inability to effectively communicate with the people who matter most in my life. What kills me most is that I don’t see a way out of this. I look for it every day and all I find in the shadows are moments of passion sparking like the dying flickers of an old lighter. Again, I don’t know what to do about it… that I am willing to do. One solution is to get up and go. Today. Grab the things I need the most and just flat leave everything behind. That would bring a temporary thrill of joy and a renewed sense of ‘in this together’
It will also bring down regret like the fall from a drug high. Leaving means shedding the responsibility of being a parent. Yes, in some sense it doesn’t have to. I could evolve into a custody situation where I have my kids for the summer, but that is not actually being a parent. That is being a vacation from their reality as opposed to being a valid part of it.
Staying could be done differently too, I suppose. Different would require releasing the tight strictures of a schedule dominated by school activities and sports. I am father and driver at this point. I am also observer. I suppose one of the ways to tamp down the inequities in the house is to not be an observer. I don’t have to watch my kids play their high school and youth sports. I want to be invested and involved, but at what cost?
There is also the possibility that I am wrong about all of this and the real issue is the communication barrier and the lack of trust and understanding that formed that barrier and perpetuates it. Finding a way through that would be great. It would get my hands back on the keyboard in a meaningful way. After all, if I can’t get the people who love me to understand me, then a stranger has no chance.