Dating ideas are called moonshots. This is named after the plan our government once developed to get to the moon–feeling the task was way beyond anything else and that all of the attention and focus needed to be shifted to get there. I’m not a person who can really understand that these days. I don’t appear to have a sense of creativity.
Yeah, you just watched a writer write that he isn’t creative. As crazy as that looks on the surface, it belies a reality that is dimmed down by personal responsibility, emotional confusion, and fatigue.
I have a ton of things happening in my life and many people who I ‘answer to’ in one way or another. I spend so much of my time and energy being a partner or dad or writer or teacher or coach that I don’t have much left to think about me as an individual and focus on what that individual is thinking or feeling beyond responsibility and escape. I don’t get into a big picture because often there isn’t one. Like Dory, I just keep swimming and enjoy the day for what it is and enjoy the next break from the regular for what that is. This is how most people tend to live. This isn’t how I want to live forever–slaved to the grind–but it feels like where things are at now and will be until the circumstances of life change enough that there is space for movement.
This superstructure determining my daily life feels like a sort of roach motel I crawled into. It’s a gilded trap. I bought a house that I regret. I needed a car after I wrecked mine. I have these responsibilities that drive me back to the daily tasks and so on. Still, this is entirely antithetical to my partner and my partnership, which leaves me feeling ripped apart in terms of responsibility and desire… on both ends.
In many ways I am flat worn out on life. I’m just tired. I watch people flow into my workspace with an energy and aplomb I just don’t have anymore. I get excited about little things, and that is wonderful to see, but the big picture rounds out pretty dimly. I suppose I need to find a way to get off the wheel, because I am becoming more and more of a rat.