Day: March 7, 2022

I am consistently inconsistent (yeah, I thought that was clever).

There is little in my life that remains on track or on schedule all of the time. One notable exception is this here blog. I come back to the page everyday for 10 minutes and pour out words. Sometimes it is a gush and sometimes a dribble. Regardless, I’m here and I am writing. I feel accomplished when I finish. I feel like I’ve spent another day on this planet and in this life doing something that I feel right about. It is often the only time of day I feel that way. The blog matters to me. It has mattered since the day my sister told me to do it. Now my partner helps me keep it alive even when I am at my worst, which is more often than not lately.

I need to get back to good.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ve come around to having favorite places. I think I’ve always been there but never quite realized it. There are places that I see in my mind from time to time and think: I love it here. There are a few new places on that list and they, shockingly, are not in NYC. Two are in Seattle and one in Pine, AZ. odd that. I guess I’m growing into being a person who likes that climate and type of space.

I think it is possible to actively swap out anger for sadness. I spent days being very angry and when that passed all that was left was a great deal of sadness and regret, leading me to the understanding that the two emotions are linked. The things that trigger anger can also trigger sadness in a more compassionate person. I was once far more emotionally compassionate and aware than I am now, leading me to believe in the voracity of this approach.

As a result, I am rather sad today. I’m sad because I am reflecting on the impact of my words and actions on the people around me and that brings me sadness. I am reflecting on the internal conflict between whether to spend my birthday with my partner and family or just partner, and given how that indecision brings her to a negative emotional state, I’ve fallen back into a deeper level of sadness. Honestly, I’d rather not celebrate my birthday at all. Any celebration inevitably costs money and given how tight my budget is, I’d rather not see money go out for my enjoyment. I’d rather see it go to the enjoyment of others. That in of itself would bring me joy. Regardless, I am in a position where choices need to be made and, inevitably, someone is going to feel left out. It is equally possible that I am overthinking this and my kids, at least, won’t actually care because they have their own stuff going on.