Day: January 2, 2023

I am beginning to sink into a sad sensation of loss. I am experiencing heightened Blood Pressure far beyond what I should be experiencing given the medication I am taking. I am controlling it in the sense that I am keeping it within 7 points of 150/100 in either direction. This is not at all a healthy situation, and I think I might be dead within the year. This isn’t a comfortable thought, but as I expressed before, I am sinking into a sad sensation of loss. The basics are this: My heart is not functioning normally. I expect to go back to my doctor this week, and be told to up my meds, because my doctor is actually a NA, who sees me because the doctor is too busy. So, I intend to argue for a referral to a heart specialist, and if they refuse I will pay the tab myself. This is preferable to surrendering to death without a fight. The people in my life who care enough about me for it to matter deserve a fight. What’s crazy is me suddenly realizing how small that circle actually is.

I’m not talking about mourners. The world is filled with mourners. I’m talking about the four or so people who would be genuinely hurt by my passing. This is limited to my partner, probably two of my five boys, and maybe the daughter. I say maybe for her, because I know she cares but I also know I’m not a part of her largely insular life. I’m part of that fringe bit that represents family, but not part of her two people. I accept that. I accept that my circle is likely three of any real impact and I am okay with that. I am not okay with abandoning those three so suddenly.

It is an awful thing to have to rationalize and consider such things so young in life, but here I am. At least for now.

I’m not entirely sure about the whole idea of resolutions. I do, however, know I need to make changes in my life in order to… keep being alive. Foremost of these changes is to live a healthier lifestyle–one that includes daily stretching and increased movement and treating my partner with more love and care. I think all of these things will help in the short and long term, but the first two are pretty hard to really fall into while the third is not so hard as much as something that I need to be more mindful of on a moment to moment basis the way that she is.

I’m worried, because the home situation is not conducive to any of it–so far as I’ve seen. I’m in a situation where half my kids (at least) hold zero respect or love for me and basically try to tolerate my existence (at least that is how it feels given the interactions) while continuing their own. It hurts me to feel unloved. It also hurts me to see that this is all they want to be. That last bit applies to all of the kids. So, what do I do to maintain any sense of self in the moment and space?

I’ve traditionally used the office as a touchstone for self, and I feel like I need to be getting back to that. I’m in it right now as I write this, and I feel very comfortable in the space–even if they are out there blasting hours of YouTube nonsense I tend to be okay in my space. At worst, I can throw on the headphones and zone out to the words.

It all comes back to the words, doesn’t it? That is one of my four pillars: Words, Romance, Kids… Games. Yeah, games remain a pillar. Feels like I haven’t been as faithful to the words as I should be. I keep coming back to the summer I spent in Seattle and going out to write every morning at the coffee shop in Bellevue. That was wonderful. I need more of that shift away from the base or I need to make the base more of that in order to really get going.

So, I’ve learned that change needs to come. As fast as possible, really.