Month: September 2023

So it seems like fiction friday is a thing of the past. Perhaps not forever, but at least until I get my mind right and out of this deep fog of work and video games. I don’t see the fog lifting but I do see that I’m getting better organized and putting together a plan at least to move towards not sucking as a human. You’ll know it, because the blogs will be longer. The words will flow faster and cleaner from that place deep in my mind out towards the world. For now, I can do what I can do.

That doesn’t mean ten is up yet. Actually, I wanted to make sure I started about one way I am trying to get myself right. It has to do with removing the idea of multi-tasking from my life. I am focused on focusing as it were. The more time I spend on multi-tasking the more each tasks takes to get done and the worse I am for it. There is research on that, and I’ll probably come back to it tomorrow when I have a solid ten to focus on the idea.

Too much screen time makes the ‘legger a drained boy. Not enough sleep ratchets it up a few notches. I’m experiencing something of a terminal drain. I know that I have a ton of work to get completed by monday and I am way too worn down to be even marginally effective this evening. So, I am giving up. I tried to fall into gaming a bit more but that is also a dangerous path–the one that keeps me up all nigt and does nothing to reset me. Tomorrow has to be a better start and, frankly, a better me. I haven’t been my best self. With my partner away for a few days it is a chance to sit and look at myself and learn a bit more about who I am right now and what I want with my alone time–my truly alone time.

I have to get moving towards being that better person. I’m nearly 50 and it hasn’t happened yet. What ever happened to the wide-eyed 17 yr old with the world waiting outside his window? He got jaded. He ran out of gas. He grew old. Doesn’t mean that is the end of the story. Just the start of the next chapter.

Eventually I’ll talk about Dame getting traded (because ooh boy that is changing things in Milwaukee) but for now I am focused on what has become a 2-1 and a 0-3 fantasy season threatening to spiral on one end and me barely holding on in the other. In the big money league where I am somehow the reigning champ, I moved to 2-1 with a legitimate chance to move to 3-1. I’ve stabilized for the most part, but my team is not what I would call top tier. Instead I am thinking that I need to move forward with cementing a TE–perhaps at the cost of a WR. This holds true in both leagues, where the TE position has been a straight miss for me this year.

Next week I will start trying to call games. I find it helpful–especially since it forces me to dig into the matchups and the teams and stop relying on name recognition, which is a thing that isn’t working this year.

I spent most of this past week listening to my partner tell me how worried she is about me. It’s taken several conversations and more than a few frowns to recognize how bad I’ve gotten. It is fine to fall off the wagon for a day or two as you slip into nonsense and loose track of reality. However, when it starts to go longer and you find yourself falling further behind you start to risk becoming that guy who doesn’t get anything done. Not just “that guy” but it can impact all areas of your life–including health. I’ve yet to eye the scale but I am guessing my latest (let’s call it what it is) month of strain and stress has led to unprecedented weight gain. I have a wedding in a month and I don’t think I fit into the suit.

So, it is time to turnback.

Not so much in the literary sense, though that is important too, but in the sense of understanding that who I am becoming is not who I am meant to be, but where I go when things are not quite right or balanced. I’ve been dancing around this issue for a few days now–recognizing the seeds of it in various forms–including this blog (Sunday didn’t even go up because I didn’t hit the dang button… again).

It is a question of priorities and moreover a question of personal faith. I have to believe in my ability to get things done in order for that to occur and when I doubt myself I turn to much easier dopamine releases, like video games. I fall into the easy pleasure and when it isn’t giving me enough, I fall in harder because I know it is right there, as opposed to knowing how much work is needed for a more sustained and everlasting release like the one you get when you put out a novel.

I’m supposed to be doing that in just over a month and it isn’t ready. That’s near the heart of the problem but not exactly at it. There is more as there always is but ten minutes is ten minutes…

Moving into the week I find that I am way too drained to be truly productive. That happens when you wake up at 1 am and can’t find your way back to sleep. 18+ hours later I find myself wondering if I’ll sleep good tonight. I need to. I need to be on tomorrow for classes all day—classes I’m not entirely prepared to teach. As I said yesterday, I gotta get myself together.

Some Thoughts:

1. What is it about living here in this environment that makes me so drained, depressed, and detached. If and when I am elsewhere I am in a better state of mind. At the same time whenever I travel it takes me days to get back on track. It’s been months since I’ve been in the same place for more than two weeks at a time.
   
2. drained.

If I spent as much time and mental energy over the past week focusing on my writing as I have playing the game Starfield, I would have written 10k. No less. I’m serious about these things. These games I mean—actually the issue is more insidious than that. I’ve lost my center and as a result a slew back and forth between falling into x,y,z and finding no balance in the dive. I need to get myself right and it is taking far too long to do so.

some thoughts:

1. I’ve grown extremely tired of anime and the anime culture. I love a few shoes but the reverence afforded to it is a bit much. It is treated like an art form above all others when it is basically another form of art—no better or worse.
   

I didn’t accomplish basically anything I set out to do today. It happens. Here is the thing: It cannot happen all the time. It has been happening more than it should (remember the 20 or so posts where I didn’t realize I’d slipped back in time to version 2.0?). What I need to do is reset. I need to sit down and make a good list in order to get a sense of what I’ve set myself up to need to accomplish and by when. Sunday will be nice, because I don’t have any Giants football to shape the afternoon. I may glance at a game, but my focus is on the workload and getting right and getting back to the best version of myself.

Some Thoughts:

1. People are going to have a lot to say about Colorado losing. Here’s my take: Yeah, they lost and badly. Did you think they were going to be undefeated? Let’s look at the team who won. They are a good squad. Let’s not forget it. #10 beat #19. Now #10 will be like 7 or 8. #19 will be like 24 or out.
2. Yep, Football is a huge focus in my life. Can’t go too many posts without mentioning it.

Hard to believe it took from 279 till now to realize I’d inadvertently changed the post from series seven to series two. Tomorrow I’ll go back and make the proper adjustments. It is also worth noting the change happened after a beach day. I’ve yet to adjust to the hard shift between being in the home space, being on the beach, and then being back home quite suddenly. It is a shift that leads me to think more and more about what this home life is and what I’m really running away from. I can tell you the short version: I’m running from the stagnant nature of here and the lifestyle that surrounds it. The beach is a healthy escape but it also is hard to sink back into a working rhythm when I do return.

tomorrow I’ll try to buck that trend and get going early and lock into a healthy rhythm here moving forward. I need it.

I’ve come to realize that I am obsessed with this Starfield game to the point of conducting research in ship design even on a day when I’m at the beach. I didn’t devote a ton of time to the endeavor, but enough that as I was waiting for food I wasn’t staring out at the ocean. I’m blogging about it now as I am staring at the ocean and trying to reconcile thinking about the game and ship design. There is purpose in this—or meaning at least. I was supposed to design spaceships after I designed airplanes. That was my post pro-football plan. I didn’t even really give myself a plan B and this spent my time in college meandering until I meandered into a masters degree and a teaching career. I’d say I’m a pretty good teacher, but I could’ve been a cop or a therapist just as easily. I just happened to wind up in the classroom by no will of my own. I just wanted to write and publish..: I didn’t even think I’d make enough to live on. Not then.

All this is to say I’ve appreciated the chance to fall back into space sim and a space system I understand in terms of ship building and it unlocked a desire to be better at a number of things IN Game including designing a worthy ship. What that means to me and what it means to others is quite different. I’m building battleships that still need to muster enough velocity to maneuver effectively in combat. This is a very tall order—thus the research into weapons systems and engine dynamics and even jump capabilities as that is also impacted by weight (not weight distribution). So, I continue the thinking so that I may, this Saturday, find time to continue the work.

Watching my youngest play a freshman football game. He’s close to 100 yds receiving and has locked down his side of the field, but the 10 points he contributed to is three times less than the other team has. The fourth quarter is starting and they just stopped the other team on the team on the ten. As I write they’ve immediately fumbled and given it back to the opponent in scoring position.

It’s been that kind of season. Looks like a game for a few minutes and then it isn’t. Definitely a talent and leadership issue. I’m having the same problems in fantasy—talent and leadership. I drafted bad teams and consistently start the wrong players. At least you can trade in fantasy. That’s the one respite I have on a pair of seasons that are 1-1 and 0-2 respectively.