I spent most of this past week listening to my partner tell me how worried she is about me. It’s taken several conversations and more than a few frowns to recognize how bad I’ve gotten. It is fine to fall off the wagon for a day or two as you slip into nonsense and loose track of reality. However, when it starts to go longer and you find yourself falling further behind you start to risk becoming that guy who doesn’t get anything done. Not just “that guy” but it can impact all areas of your life–including health. I’ve yet to eye the scale but I am guessing my latest (let’s call it what it is) month of strain and stress has led to unprecedented weight gain. I have a wedding in a month and I don’t think I fit into the suit.
So, it is time to turnback.
Not so much in the literary sense, though that is important too, but in the sense of understanding that who I am becoming is not who I am meant to be, but where I go when things are not quite right or balanced. I’ve been dancing around this issue for a few days now–recognizing the seeds of it in various forms–including this blog (Sunday didn’t even go up because I didn’t hit the dang button… again).
It is a question of priorities and moreover a question of personal faith. I have to believe in my ability to get things done in order for that to occur and when I doubt myself I turn to much easier dopamine releases, like video games. I fall into the easy pleasure and when it isn’t giving me enough, I fall in harder because I know it is right there, as opposed to knowing how much work is needed for a more sustained and everlasting release like the one you get when you put out a novel.
I’m supposed to be doing that in just over a month and it isn’t ready. That’s near the heart of the problem but not exactly at it. There is more as there always is but ten minutes is ten minutes…