Day: October 23, 2023

Sometimes my life does not feel like it is mine. I occasionally get the feeling of being an NPC–a non player in someone else’s story. When I was younger I used to attribute this sensation to something akin to watching myself in the Sims video game. Once or twice I played the Sims and made a version of me and watched how that played out. This feeling is similar, but as opposed to being the creator, I feel like I am the character and whomever is in control has gotten so bored with the game that I only sense the hands of control every so often and I am then pointed in a direction I feel inclined to follow for months at a time. I’m sure some doc reading this somewhere thinks I am suffering a form of psychosis. I don’t feel crazy. I feel powerless on these occasions, as though I cannot force my will to drag me back into the person I have been trying to be. It is tough, because I am watching that guy I am becoming and feeling a great deal of disappointment and unease at who he–I am becoming instead.

Some Thoughts:

1. The above wasn’t enough for a full ten but it is the one coherent thought to escape me this morning. Other less fully formed thoughts include…
2. The idea that I may not be long for writing Shadowrun sourcebooks. I don’t know how I feel about the direction these last few have taken, but I know the feeling isn’t positive. I simply cannot put words to the feeling.
3. It could also be that I need a reset and need to dig deeper into the story I am trying to tell. The story of these last two novels is different than what I’ve been doing in the past and feels more like an evolution or a conversation about where I am going as a writer too.
4. That being said, I remain in pursuit of a goal of writing Star Wars novels. I just haven’t decided what that story looks like yet. The world of the Jedi is vast and there are many stories and mysteries and lore that remain uncharted. I believe the force is at the center of that world, and should touch every tale however lightly. At the same time I don’t believe the Jedi and Sith need to touch every story. I prefer other tales…

And this too shall pass.

I often say that in the darkest of times, but I say it now as I watch the time wind down on the clock of my kids’ childhood. I want to make sure I enjoy the moments and make the most out of the opportunities to spend time with all of them. I suppose I am feeling this way because I have one getting married and one is a senior and two others are trying to make their way to Japan where I definitely will have a hard time seeing them. All of it adds up to me feeling like this phase of my life is closer and closer to ending and this next phase of exploration is fast approaching. I am really looking forward to the next phase, but at the same time I don’t want to look ahead and miss what is right in front of me now. My kids are all aging up and out. They are starting families of their own. That is absolutely wild conduct.

Some Thoughts:

1. So, yeah… I’m old.
2. I am also mentally young still. I still think about and play video games every day. I still have yet to crack fifty. Why then do I feel ancient at times. Probably because I let myself go in all the wrong ways and keep feeling like it is too late to get right. It isn’t though. It really really is not. I believe the first step is caring enough about addressing the problem as opposed to caring enough to complain about it.
3. As I type this 3rd entry I am realizing that I haven’t read Peter King in over a year. He is the reason I do some thoughts. It emerged from the chrysalis of ten things I think I think. I think I ought to track that down…