I had a specific thought in mind when I went looking for a turnback. I wanted to look back as far as I could into when I was married to, well, a toxic person. I wanted to look back at it because I remember feeling guilt for leaving that person behind. I remember thinking to myself, “she needs you.” along with “She is killing you.” It turns out she was actually killing me. I ate in a fashion that would have killed me by now. That in conjunction with the terrible daily stress was going to be my end.
The reason I wanted to reach back that far was to reflect on how I felt then as opposed to now. I’m healthier physically and mentally. I have a partner who loves me in spite of as opposed to in order to… I don’t have to worried about being called stupid or a plethora of other demeaning and degrading things when she or her sisters don’t get their way. My boys get to see what a happy couple is supposed to look like. I’m grateful for where I am today. I am grateful for who I am with.
I was triggered to stare back by it being Tuesday, but more immediately by the ex attempting another controlling rant. I honestly have gained the peace to largely tune it out now. That’s another moment of growth for me. I find that I’ve learned quite a bit since back in post 1876 when I suggested,
I fear many relationships are torn apart by a failure to communicate and if we could all just reiterate what we want and need–without getting angry or defensive about the need to reiterate–a lot more relationships would be happy ones.
I am learning to communicate even now. I am honest in this new space and love and I feel like that will take us far in our shared future.