First day without coffee in a while and I rose to find the old familiar behaviours of the post not getting posted due to me not hitting the button. It is a sign. It is usually a sign of me being overwhelmed by the responsibilities I put myself into. In this case it is exactly that alongside a mixture of lack of sleep. I have been sleeping but at odd hours–naps mostly. To add to that, the lack of coffee has me down in the doldrums. Clearly a primary reason I don’t do drugs is because of how easily I get addicted to substances that bring me ease. Also clearly, the root cause of that addiction is a need for ease. I have a tendency to spread myself too thin, and in that I lose focus on the work that means the least to me. I try to stay locked in on the important stuff, and mostly do, but I lose a bit of myself in doing so. If there is no balance then there is eventually going to be a crash. The inability to find a suitable release argues that there is a lack of balance and moreover, a deeper need for reset and relax.
Yet, I feel like I can handle whatever comes. That is the twist here. So long as the Lady Talis and I are good, the rest of the stuff is background noise. My soul remains intact, even if the work isn’t getting the focus it needs or deserves. It stands to reason that a result of this is that some things are just coasted through while others are given the attention I can provide and others are pushed off indefinitely. I have a rack of back burners.
I am planning to shape this upcoming summer into what I need: A respite. Beyond that I do live in a situation where I will be starting, on occasion, to get the peace and quiet I need in order to get myself together.