Month: August 2025

I’ve been toying with AI checkers and it seems that AI thinks I am AI. I find this odd, because the diagnosis comes in certain ways or forms or voices that I write in but not all voices or characters. Particular sentences feel AI while others do not. I also find it odd that the ones that do are often the result of editorial changes I was asked to make. So, following the advice of my editor gets me flagged as AI. That sucks. I’ll need to work on that.

I need to work on a lot of things. Primary among them is an exit strategy for this state. I don’t have one. This stems off the prior money conversation. I don’t have enough. I don’t know how to get more in a reasonable time frame, but I am trying to figure all of this out.

Some Thoughts:

1. First football weekend of the year for them franchise boys. Both had clear cut cases of the jitters this week. Nerves can get to you. I see it at every level. Practice is one thing. A scrimmage is another, but that game–where it all truly matters and you are trying to build this future and this legacy you’ve invested in–that hits different. College boy did better than High School, but both walked away with wins.

I don’t particularly enjoy being angry. I understand it. I realize the need for anger to exist in order to recognize the beauty of happiness as I realize the necessity of death to provide meaning to life. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. As I said, I don’t. When it comes it usually has everything to do with feelings of helplessness or being trapped in a situation I have no way of forcing myself up and out of. So, I’m angry. I know where the Lady Talis and I want to be in life. I also know where we are is exactly 84K away from it.

So, here is the real question–how to get 84k more yearly. If we could do that we’d be exactly at the point we need to be in life to live the way we want without any significant worry. Gods I realize how shallow and stupid and first world these problems sound, but I also recognize the universality of needing more in order to live the life you want. I have ability with writing, but no access to turn that to 84k at present. I’ll try to do it. I’ll give every effort this year and onward to developing pathways to increasing the amount of money I can personally generate in order to reach our (perhaps overly fancy) goals. Maybe we can even do it in stages–boost up an additional 1K a month these next 12 months and we’re plus 12K. Any problem starts to be more manageable once you get to the point of breaking it down into pieces.

So, instead of being as angry as I am, I need to be smart and thoughtful about my choices moving forward.

Last night was an abject mess. I glimpsed at the blog as I was trying to get a new page loaded and realized that the mispellings (autocorrections I mean) were rampant. So, sorry for the mess. Jane Eyre was quite lovely though. This is not about classic literature, however. This is about Football. I want to rant and rave about the high school and college teams my kids play for, but that is for another day–probably Saturday after the Chadron State game. No, today is about the Pros. Specifically it is about the Giants.

The 53 man roster dropped, and there are a few ‘surprises’ there. No, I am not actually surprised, because I had a sense the team was leaning hard on hope and luck this year and expecting to build a foundation. That foundation starts on the line. They have yet to solve the problems there, and it shows. Evan Neal is still on the roster if for no other reason than it is too expensive to cut him. The fifth year option is not happening. He was regularly beaten by backups in pre-season play and got his QBs in a ton of trouble. As wonderful as his ceiling was in college, he has not shown a pro level floor.

I’m excited about the secondary. I think the G-men can compete against Wrs this year. I also think the way that WR1 Malik Nabers is abusing everyone in that secondary is more about him than them. He’s going to be a big deal this season, if the line can give Wilson (and eventually Winston) enough time to get the ball out. As for QB, I do think they are taking it slow with Dart. I do see them letting him learn for a season with the assurance that they won’t be fired this year and probably letting him run it next year. Dart will not start meaningful games. That’s what Winston is for–that and his incredible locker room presence.

That is a brief look at the roster in ten. I have more to say, but no time to do it… so Saturday?

as I watch this I am watching Jane Eyre for the first time e… in bed as I blog on my phone because I didn’t think about the blog or writing at all today. It was class, then exercise and then squeeze in some gaming and that was all because date night filled my soul. I need to get myself back to the place where the writing happens earlier—not middle of the night early but early enough that my mind is still of a flow that makes some sense.

it was to be a waiver Wednesday today but that is beyond me at this hour. Instead my mind flutters and I await dreams of the dark tower as I know they must soon come as they have every night in recent memory in some form. It could be that I’m manifesting my own dreamspace and moving there from the wastelands and the lands before and beyond mid world. Or, I could be completely worn out and falling into nightmare.

Jane Eyre is of little help with that last part…

It is 4:53 by the clock on my computer. I have been awake for over three hours. I am a bit tired, coming off three hours of sleep, and I am a lot worried about the growing deterioration of my mind as a result of not getting good sleep in weeks. I can make a half dozen excuses about why the situation is as it is, but the one truth I return to is that I am not doing enough physically or mentally to settle myself by the end of the night. I’ve gone from walking 5+ miles a day to walking 5+ minutes a day and rarely leaving the house–even to empty the garbage. I’ve gone from two or more hours of morning writing to not doing any fiction at all and struggling to keep up with the blog. In truth, the only writing I seem to be accomplishing is prepping for this semester. Most of that is editorial in nature. I’m trying to shoehorn existing material into a form that works for my purposes. The more creative endeavors–the two classes I have on Wednesday that still need building–aren’t even getting done. I lack creative energy.

I need to move by body to get it back.

I need to find peace to get it back. Part of that is location, of course. Heck, most of it I believe to be locational. I do not do well here with the space and responsibilities and vibe. I’ve complained about the nature of this for days and yet I continue to spiral dangerously. So, what is to be done about this?

For now, I’m going to work in a few hours. I’ll see if being in front of students helps me get moving.

It ought to be a refelction on a semester start. This was the first day of my teaching semester with several online classes making their start. I didn’t start them on time, because it is that kind of year. I’m not at the top of my game with this janky return to the desert, but I am working on getting myself back and getting myself right. I need to do it faster and I need to do it in a healthy fashion. I am not the person I was before summer and I am trying to move forward/be better.

That means remembering the blog at least.

As I write, I am enjoying the marble league in the background. The time on the episode aligns with the ten for the blog, so I have that visual and audio cue to let me know when time is up as opposed to checking a watch or a timer. I need to get back to some organization in my life. Today I moved and sweated a little bit and cleaned a little bit and got to a point where I was actually doing stuff. I don’t know if it is enough to get a good night’s sleep, because I haven’t had one of those since I landed.

I need to get right. I want to get right. I intend to get back on schedule. I set myself up to be the first review in this upcoming Grad course, and that ought to get me rolling and working on the draft of the novel. It has to be solid. I want to make that move to general fiction and make it powerfully. I don’t know if this is the right story or the right character and I am losing faith in my ability to write it. That being said, I want to give it my all. I’m learning in this class and learning again. I need that learning. I need that routine.

I need to get back to doing it.

lying in bed tonight unable to sleep, I realized three things in quick succession:

1. The majority of my unhappiness can be traced back to living here.
2. I’m both restless and aimless.
3. I did not blog.

Just like that I almost blew another iteration not even a year into the damn thing. 168 days is nothing. Yet it is evidence that coming back here is ruinous to me. I haven’t exercised in over a week and I’ve hardly left the house under the 110+ heat wave. Still, all of it is excuse. I have weights here. I have a space I can clean up and worm in. I have all that I need to be healthy and successful in this space but I’ve chosen surrender and the boredom that comes with it. I’m not even writing.

all of it is a result of the malaise inherited from the here and the static nature of here. I’m living in a dead end frat house in a culdesac of people who don’t exist outside their home

more excuses for not doing anything. I’m never going to run out of those, so I may Berber do anything again except accept the fact that I’m not me when I’m here. .

Football.

I should leave it at that.

No, I want to say more. The countdown has begun for the first week of both my players’ seasons and they are both incredibly jacked to be out there. One is looking to move to the Power 4 after the season and one is looking for his first collegiate offer. Both have the opportunities to do so. More and more we are seeing the FCS do well against FBS teams–especially outside of the power 4. Last year Idaho State went 3-5 in conference play. Today they fought UNLV to the bitter end, falling 31-38. They weren’t a good team. UNLV was a top 25 team last year. So, the FCS is bringing heat. It leads me to believe conference play will be stronger this season and that the week two clash between UNC and Colorado State could raise eyebrows.

The difference between the two D1 divisions is money, but the FBS doesn’t simply have better teams across the board. Some conferences would struggle to beat some FCS conferences. Unilaterally the top schools in FBS are better than the top FCS squads, but that comes back to the money conversation. Michigan’s Freshman QB makes more in NIL than the entire UNC roster combined. He makes more than three Big Sky teams put together. 10.5 million minimum over 4 years, with incentives that could push the number to 12 million. That is one player. That is more than Brock Purdy made on his first contract and that man went to the Super Bowl as the starting QB.

Yeah it is out of control. I just want to see my kid get his share of the winnings before the tide turns against this practice. A fraction of money like that can set him up for life. Throw in his engineering degree and he’s set to be peak. That’s the future. The present is Chadron State in 7 days.

The count is on.

Since leaving the USA earlier this summer I have re-discovered a simple, yet painful truth. The way we live in this country is deleterious. The more I watch and even participate in the culture, the more I realize the profound and simple truth of it. We, as a country, lack patience, carry hate and anger, and feast on the concepts of constantly being either right or in the right, and seeking revenge on those who would claim otherwise. It is no wonder that our leader, our Avatar in a true sense, is Donald J Trump, a man who embodies everything I’ve listed above. We are reflected in him. Now, I do not have the time to break down the entirety of this argument, but I can start with the one that I think most applies to me and this moment–Patience.

Since returning, my patience has dwindled. It shadows that lack of patience I witness all around me. The more I see of this lack, the more I see of the lack within myself. It has always been there, of course. I was born a New Yorker. When they cut the umbilical cord, they harvest our newborn patience with it, likely feeding it into some machine deep within the MTA that slows trains and busses causing them to run exactly 6 minutes later than we need them to run. This poor-man’s Omelas machine has stripped me of the basic level of patience I see elsewhere–especially in British Colombia. Correction–Especially in Catalan Spain. Those folks are as patient as the mountains waiting for the winter snow to bleed off. Perhaps my troubles with here were reignited there during the slow afternoons when we turned our bodies in the sun like pottery setting in an oven.

The problems did begin. That they have not ended, that I have this awareness of how impatient and harried everyone around me appears to be is causing me qualms. As I’ve stated since I returned: I do not want to be here. I am ready to be elsewhere and have a life less harried. I am ready for the next act. Now begins the preparation for such.

It’s fall preseason and that means I am watching film!

Kid didn’t look good. Looked like the heat got him. He wasn’t thinking straight, taking bad angles and he dove way too often. I keep thinking about that not-so-old adage, “You can’t do epic shit with basic bitches” and it has me thinking he needs to be thinking about how he stays focused and trains right outside of what is happening with the team. The #1 thing the kid needs to do in-play is stay under control. Bring your feet. Don’t lose them.

The number one thing the kid needs to do overall is show the passion. You watch the film and there are moments he pops. He looks the part for sure. He has the size and speed to be that guy in the secondary, but he has to show he’s hungry. He looks well fed. He does not always finish plays the way he should and needs to read the QB better on the broken plays.

All of this is fixable. I still believe in the kid and believe he has a D1 chance. The window to make the most of that is closing, so he needs to act now. The season starts next week. He needs to bring it.