Consistency. There’s a word/term I am surpassingly good at executing. I am consistently inconsistent. In fact, if I was consistent, I would be 7 novels deep as opposed to two. I would not again be rewriting the second one and would also not be stuck on the breakout one or anything at all, because when you do a thin enough, there are more days you’re good at doing it than there are days that you are bad at doing it. Take this bog for example. I’ve missed eight days over the past decade and a half. So, in that sense, I am a lot better at doing it than not. In fact, the last time I missed a post was 241 days ago. A Monday, apparently. March 10th 2025. It feels like I’ve lived an entire life since that day. I don’t know what I was doing back then at all. I can tell you what I wrote the day after…
It took 828 days for me to fail. A slow burn that led me from the excitement and remorsefulness of the change from 6-7 to the fall into 8. The 8th iteration of this blog–this moment of writing every single day–is going to be a different moment for me. It is a new beginning in many ways. I need to make this time meaningful to myself and to whatever audience I possess. I didn’t always do that. I often walked ass-backwards into a last minute post that was meaningful to nobody–not even me. I was mailing it in to get through that day to the next. I did this several times over the last 828. I didn’t, therefore, create a lasting and meaningful space for writing or for personal reflections.
I did not get it done, and that reflects on who I have been over these nearly three years. I’ve been a man at his wits end. I’ve been a man unmoored in some ways; A man who doesn’t lock in and focus on the things that matter. I have let myself down over this period. I have let down the most important people in my life as well–primarily as a result of being lax in communication, private and not up front with information, not firm in parenting, and checked out on the things that are most important to them. All of this is bad. All of this is in need of change.
It is time for me to begin again.
Each year feels like I am living an entire life as of late. Each year is a cycle of madness and wonder and my own inconsistency. I don’t remember the man who missed a blog after 828 days and only ten days before his 50th. Heck, I’ve been married and toured the planet since then. What I haven’t done is write enough. So, that is the thing to consider. What we are consistent in is what we are defined by. I am defined by my inconsistency. I am defined by the lapses and restarts as opposed to steady production.
The beauty of life is that we get to redefine ourselves within a window of reason. I can be consistent in my habits and health, though I have not. It will be hard to do, but it will be worth it. I just need to have the courage and the will to follow through. Thus far, I have not. So, what is it going to take? Knowing my life is shorter ahead than it is behind hasn’t done that for me. So, what will? How do I convince my spirit to sing in tune? I suppose if I knew the answer, my financial woes would be gone.
Some Thoughts:
- What’s crazy about the financial woes is that it would not take much to clear the deck of all of it. Unfortunately, that extra little bit we need to be where we want to be always is just beyond our financial reach.